Inspirational Thought of the Week

If you could only read my mind
You would know that things between us
Ain’t right
I know your arms are open wide
But you’re a little on the straight side
I can’t lie 

… Your one vice
Is you’re too nice
Come around now, can’t you see?

… I want you 
All tattooed
I want you bad 

… Complete me
Mistreat me
Want you to be bad, bad, bad, bad, bad

“Want You Bad” by The Offspring

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where wanting a team to be bad never happens(unless they are opponents or rivals of the favorite teams in this household), we have finally made it to the end of the league year. We had a “new” champion and had some teams lift themselves from FF stalwarts last season to playoff teams this season. But as is the case, there are some teams who still stink and remain in these rankings of sucky-ness. There are also some newcomers who will be featured in this top/bottom ten list of teams who had a constant basis of appearances in the FF in the 2025 league year.

These rankings were done to measure each bad team’s FPI, which in NFL prediction terms(courtesy of ESPN, who has a countdown clock to next year’s CUPID Bowl that their network will be hosting) means Football Power Index. But in this case of bad teams, FPI means Flounder Pool Index. There were additive calculations done based on different stats of each team. Stats such as games lost, longest losing streak, amount of overall weekly appearances in the top/bottom four of the FF, and the amount of appearances in the Coveted Fifth Spot in a negative light. There were also point margins such as losses by more than 16 points(or two possessions) and losses at home by more than 10 points. For teams who had the guts to fire their head coach or general manager(either in-season or after the season ended), we have the names of famously bad football figures attached to those. We have the Frank Reich In-Season Fired Head Coach Bonus(plus two points), the Mark Davis Fired Head Coach After Season Ends Bonus(plus four points) and the Mike Mayock Fired General Manager Bonus(plus six points). Not all the tiebreakers will apply to each team and that is especially true with the amount of weeks spent as the top bottom team stat. But the amount of stats applied to each team’s specific Flounder Pool Index was divided by the added total of each bad team’s applied stats and voila! You get a decimal percentage total in the four to high sevens range to show how bad a team is. The higher one’s FPI* is, the higher on the list that team will be. And boy, did we have a close race for the top bottom team in this case(aka the Golden Undies Award winner).

Last season, we had two division rivals and another bad team in the same conference fight for the final three spots and an extra tiebreaker had to be applied for the bronze and silver undies award winners. This time, we had another closer race and didn’t have to use any tiebreakers for the top three spots, and the top bottom team actually finished as the second-to-worst team last season. So, if you’re gonna suck, you might as well be number one on this list. If you’re second, third or even fourth/fifth place, you still haven’t hit rock bottom yet. But be warned, there were some weird and odd calculations that had one or two of these teams higher than they should be. That’s all due to long stretches of losing and in terms of being a bad team and finishing out strong, it really does matter how you start. And that applies to a team that finished with a better record than a couple of FF stalwarts who were in the top/bottom five last season, but somehow ended up on the back end(or not as sucky end) of this top/bottom ten list. We also have a team in the “Coveted Eleventh Spot”, which is basically this list’s version of the CFS and points out the team who made the most appearances in the Coveted Fifth Spot this season and ended up with an exorbitantly high FPI. There is also the added oddity of the fewer tiebreakers that are applied could calculate to a higher FPI than usual. Meaning that teams who didn’t fire their head coach and/or general manager might wind up a bit higher on this list than originally intended. So, let’s bounce into it one last time for an awards show rankings unlike any other. Buckle up, because it’s about to get messy analyzing each of these teams’ bad seasons and what their fans have to look forward to(or dread) come the new league year of 2026.

With apologies to Jihad Ward, Bad Bunny, Braiden McGregor, Baron Browning, Khristian Boyd, Britt Reid, Deonte Banks, Brendan Bates, John Bates, Daniel Brunskill, and James Pearce Jr, here are the Golden Undies Award Tumbling Ten rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

10. Atlanta ChokingBirds(Reg Season Record: 8-9)

• Amount of Games Lost: 9
• Longest Losing Streak: 5
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four of FF: 3
• Amount of Appearances In Coveted Fifth Spot In Negative Light: 1
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 3
• Losses By More Than 10 Pts At Home: 2
• Mark Davis Fired Head Coach Bonus: +4
• Mike Mayock Fired General Manager Bonus: +6
• Amount of Stats Applied: 8
• Overall Flounder Pool Index: 4.125%

So, the Dirty Birds of HotLanta thought that they were going to have a great year and take the NFC Sourth(aka 💩 Mountain) by storm. Instead, they had a massive decline in the middle of the season, saw their struggling young QB Magic Mike Penix Jr get hurt with a torn ACL, and closed out the season strong with four straight wins led by KirkoChainz Cousins, who is now on his way out of the ATL following another cash grab scheme and a new regime with Matt Ryan as the president of football operations wanting a potential reset. In spite of finishing in a three-way tie for the NFC Sourth(which they were outdone by two losses to the division-winning Carolina Black KittyKATs), the ChokingBirds were sick of finishing under .500 for an eighth straight year and Arthur Blank decided to axe(in Home Depot spirit) Raheem Morris as the head coach after two mediocre years and Terry Fontenot as the general manager. Replacing them with Kevin Stefanski and Ian Cunningham respectively, Atlanta looks to soar a bit higher into 2026 and some of that requires them to figure out their QB room. A potential draft option or free agent move could be in order, but with Stefanski as the HC, that means the ChokingBirds are back on offensive-minded for their field general. Strange how they have shifted from offensive-minded to defensive-minded head coaches in the past 15+ years. From Mike Smith to Dan Quinn to Arthur Smith to Raheem Morris to Kevin Stefanski, the cycle continues to amaze. And besides a few exceptional seasons(2012 and 2016), Atlanta has been nothing but mediocre in that timespan. Especially in their own home stadium, which has hosted two College Football Playoff National Championship Games and a load of Peach Bowls/SEC Champ Games in that time period. Now holding the longest active playoff drought in the NFC, the ChokingBirds look not to suck eggs and potentially contend in the worst division in all of football. Making matters more awkward is the Baker Mayfield-Kevin Stefanski conundrum, as Baker did not like being cast away from CleveLand after Stefanski’s second year as the head coach of the ClownShow. Both matchups against the Suckaneers just got more spicy, if they weren’t already at that level to begin with. Also Kyle Pitts has been franchise-tagged(how rare is that for a tight end?) and James Pearce Jr just screwed himself by ramming his vehicle into the car of his ex-girlfriend competing in some women’s basketball league called Unrivaled located down in the city where our next top/bottom team hails from, and that team happens to be the…

9. Miami Delphins/Aryans/DolphLundgrens(Reg Season Record: 7-10)

• Amount of Games Lost: 10
• Longest Losing Streak: 3
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four of FF: 6
• Amount of Appearances In Coveted Fifth Spot In Negative Light: 1
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 5
• Losses At Home By More Than 10 Pts: 2
• Mark Davis Fired Head Coach After Season Ends Bonus: +4
• Mike Mayock Fired General Manager Bonus: +6
• Amount of Stats Applied: 8
• Overall Flounder Pool Index: 4.625%

Yep, the Phins are in the top/bottom ten following a record similar to their one the season before. It didn’t help that they got off to a 1-6 start with close losses at home and on the road along with a couple of blowout defeats in the MIDwest. Then going on a winning stretch in spite of having a QB who threw so many interceptions that the fans in MyAmMe wanted to be blinded by the sun was wild. Having your general manager fired mid-season and not your head coach(until the season ended) was weird. Losing Tyreek The Cheetah Hill(who was recently released along with Bradley Chubbster) to a torn ACL in Weak 3 was unfortunate, but it led to more opportunities for Jaylen PenguinWaddle and other fellow offensive pieces. After being eliminated from playoff contention following a pathetic loss to the RodgersBurgh Stellers on Monday night football, HawkTua Tagovailoa was benched for Quinn Ewers, who got his first career NFL win in a spoiler win over Tampa Bay. But getting blown out 38-10 to the New VrabelLand PottyHats to end the season must have left a bitter taste in Stephen Ross’s mouth. So bitter that he fired Mike “Squints” McDaniel shortly after. Hiring two guys from Grinch Bay to be your new head coach and general manager was odd, but hey, might as well pull from the place known as Tit-Le-Town to try and contend for your first championship in more than a half-century. Jeff Hafley is defensive-minded, so that continues an odd flip-flop trend that lasts a decade from Adam GaseFace, Brian Flores(he was done dirty by the Phins), the Fake Minority in McDaniel and now Hafley, who will definitely be popular with the defensive players of the Phins. Meanwhile, Tua Time might be running out in Sourth Beach/MyAmMe-Dade, and a potential trade of the concussed-lefty QB could be in order. A potential replacement for the Hawaiian hurler might be Malik Willis, who did well filling in for JordyLove over two seasons as the Fatkers’ backup QB. Might as well bring all the Grinch Bay players down to South Florida, right? It’s better than being second banana to the Heat, Canes, Panthers(in Hialeah), and Inter Miami CF(who are defending MLS champs with Lionel Messi). At least they’re not as bad as the Marlins, who might swim past the DolphLundgrens with a good season in 2026. It kind of stinks to be a bad fishy team, doesn’t it? I know that the Phins are named after a mammal and they once had Flipper as a live mascot(like they were at Sea World or some other attraction park with animal entertainment), but it doesn’t matter. They stink like a dead whale corpse washed on the shore. And will continue to be that way until something changes. At least they ain’t the JUTS, right? Not yet anyway.

8. WokeShington CommandSkins(Reg Season Record: 5-12)

• Amount of Games Lost: 12
• Longest Losing Streak: 8
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four of FF: 1
• Amount of Appearances In Coveted Fifth Spot In Negative Light: 4
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 5
• Losses At Home By More Than 10 Pts: 3
• Fired Offensive Coordinator Bonus: +3
• Fired Defensive Coordinator Bonus: +3
• Amount of Stats Applied: 8
• Total Flounder Pool Index: 4.875%

Now we have a team located outside of our nation’s capital who went from being a participant in the NFC title game last season to being a total wreck of injuries and tough losses this season. They went from being a Brigade of Commandos to the CommandSkins because they refuse to change their name back to its old one, so why not merge both of their team names together? Starting out 3-2, WokeShington then went on an eight-game losing streak that was ironically started by the Chicago Bores, who were in this top ten list of bad teams last year after a ten-game losing streak plundered their 2024 season. Close losses to the Bores, Miami Delphins and Denver Donkeys were offset by blowouts against the Kansas City Chefs, Seattle SamChickens, Dumtroit Flyins and My Minnesota Vikings Who Somehow Finished The Season On A Five-Game Winning Streak Following A Horrid Mid-Season Stretch. It didn’t help that Jayden Daniels suffered a litany of injuries that kept him out of a load of games and other offensive stars like Terry McLaurin, Austin Ekeler and Zach Ertz suffered devastating season-ending injuries. The defense for the CommandSkins was a mess and they at least won twice against NFC Least division rivals to close out the season with five wins. Following the conclusion of this third-place finish for WokeShington, they fired offensive coordinator Kliff Kingsbury and defensive coordinator Joe Whitt Jr. You see an added fired offensive coordinator/fired defensive coordinator bonuses added so that the CommandSkins can be accurately displayed on this list because they were up way high(or were way down) on the list with just six stats applied. Apparently being a team that only makes one appearance in the bottom four of the FF is not a good thing, especially when you get blown out a lot. So, hopefully this team under the high school gym teacher Dan Quinn will be a contender next season, or they will continue to stink with a star-studded roster. At least they have the construction of their new stadium located in Washington D.C on the grounds of their old home in RFK Stadium to look forward to. 2030 is the expected completion date for that venue and we’ll see what corporate sponsor is going to be attached to it. Hopefully it will be something like American Express Dome or American Airlines Stadium or something with American in it. It might be named after a current president, or it might not. Perhaps the field will be. I don’t know and I don’t care. It will only be the latest new fad of domed stadiums coming soon to an NFL city near you. Meaning less snow games. Well, that kind of stinks for the hardcore fans. But too bad, everything is being p***yfied these days. Speaking of which, let’s go to a team also planning the construction of a domed venue located in a suburb outside of their home city.

7. Cleveland ClownShow(Reg Season Record: 5-12)

• Amount of Games Lost: 12
• Longest Losing Streak: 4
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four of FF: 10
• Amount of Appearances In Coveted Fifth Spot In A Negative Light: 1
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 5
• Losses At Home By More Than 10 Pts: 1
• Mark Davis Fired Head Coach After Season Ends Bonus: +4
• Amount of Stats Applied: 7
• Total Flounder Pool Index: 5.286%

Behold, the greatest ClownShow from northeast Ohio is in the Golden Undies award rankings again. But they are somehow in a less worse spot than last year. Probably has something to do with improving your win total to five wins, not having a long losing streak heading into the offseason(which comes with a plus-five bonus btw), and at least competing a bit harder. But still, just five wins and another last place finish in the AFC Norteh. Wow. That’s something. Too bad that the QB carousel is still spinning since the Clowns were resurrected in 1999 and that total is now up to a good 42 QBs if I’m not mistaken. Dillon Gabriel and SHEdeur Sanders added their names to that list this season and Gabriel was benched for Sanders, who led this Orange-helmet team to two wins in his seven starts and as a reward got to participate in the scam that is the Pro Bowl Games now on SB week. There were some surprise wins for this ClownShow team, with upsets over the Grinch Bay Fatkers and RodgersBurgh Stellers(along with an end-of-season W over the Cincinnata Burrows that featured Myles Garrett being given the single-season sack record). But they were mostly the same old Clowns with close losses to Cincy, my Vikings(in London), the New Yuck GlennJUTS, the Beltimore RuffHens and the Tennessee Titanic Buffoons. Also BufferLow nearly suffered a loss in CleveLand as well. So, let’s give it up to Jimmy Haslam for having the guts to fire Kevin Stefanski after six seasons of leading this team. That’s probably the longest tenure for a head coach in northeast Ohio in like forty years(?). Well, Gemini AI just gave me an answer and Stefanski had more years in charge of the Clowns than both Marty Schottenheimer and Bill Belichick The Science Guy, who were both let go after five seasons by Art Modell, the owner of the old Cleveland team that became the Beltimore RuffHens. Now that’s a sore subject. Speaking of Beltimore, Haslam hired the RuffHens OC in Todd Monken to be the new head coach of the ClownShow. There weren’t that many takers to begin with in a saturated coaching market, but Monken will hopefully get CleveLand into the playoffs in his first season just like Stefanski did. But that happened in 2020, a pretty wild year. So, unless 2026 turns out to be a super-bizarro year in the planet we inhabit, then it’s probably likely another missed playoff berth is coming the way of Clownies fans. Along with more appearances in the Floundering Five if it continues beyond this year(hey, I didn’t think that I would be writing this note log this league year and I’ve gotten all the way to the end). And let’s just say that the ClownShow is basically a verb for all things bad in the world at this point. That’s a tough pill to swallow for anyone who supports them.

6. New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(Reg Season Record: 4-13)

• Amount of Games Lost: 13
• Longest Losing Streak: 9
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four of FF: 14
• Amount of Appearances In Coveted Fifth Spot In Negative Light: 1
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 2
• Losses At Home By More Than 10 Pts: 1
• Amount of Weeks Spent As Top Bottom Team: 1
• Frank Reich In-Season Fired Head Coach Bonus: +2
• Amount of Stats Applied: 8
• Total Flounder Pool Index: 5.375%

So, the Fi Fie Foh Fumers had themselves another rough year where they lost a lot of games on the road where they held double-digit leads. Five games where they could have won had it not been for a choke job defense and an ineffective offense at the end of games. But at least they’re on the less bad half of the Golden Undies divide, unlike last season(where they finished in fourth due to a franchise-worst 3-14 mark). At least they closed their season out strong against the BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark and the Dellas CrudBoys. With Brain Daboll getting fired mid-season due to a losing streak that went on for five more games under interim HC Mike Kafka, the Army Ants clearly needed a reset. With the potential shown from Jaxson Dart(with his reckless running abilities), Cam Skattebo(a devastating Achilles tear ended his season halfway through) and Malik Nabers(who was victimized by the cursed turf at the Messy Jersey Dump Stadium), the future should be bright for Big Blue. They got lucky to hire John Harbaugh after he got canned by the RuffHens, but be warned G.I-Ants fans, he has a checkered recent past when it comes to double-digit choke jobs as well. So, at least you’re both a match made in football purgatory. Now could you please win more than five games in a season? Seriously, your last place act in the NFC Least is kind of getting old. It doesn’t take a genius to point out that you have one of the longest active streaks of no division titles in the game. Only the Delphins, Silver and BlackJack, JUTS and Clowns have a longer division drought than the Army Ants do. Wow. That kind of sounds pretty pathetic and puny. Just be glad you’re in Jersey and not the actual Big Apple. Oddly enough, there might be another team who decides to keep the namesake of their city while playing in a different state pretty soon other than the two New Yuck teams. That will be a slight saving grace to the geographically-challenged morons who can’t read a map on their phone or on a globe.

• Coveted 11th Spot: The CFS Champ Resides In The Heartland, As The Kansas City Chefs Went Through A Lot Of Pain In A STUPID Bowl Hangover Of A Season Unlike Any Other(Reg Season Record: 6-11)
• Amount of Games Lost: 11
• Longest Losing Streak: 6(+5 bonus for it being active heading into offseason)
• Amount of Appearances In Coveted Fifth Spot In A Negative Light: 5
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 1
• Losses By One Possession: 9
• Losses At Home: 4
• Amount of Stats Applied: 6
• Total Flounder Pool Index: 6.833%

Okay, I’m going to have to do some explaining here. There were not that many stats that applied to the Chefs total and I had to add Coveted Fifth Spot specific stats such as losses by one possession(very relevant in this case) and losses at home(KC didn’t lose a single home game at ArrowHead Stadium by more than 10 points). And as it turned out, they closed out the season on an active six-game losing streak, and thus their total flounder pool index is pretty high. In fact, it is higher than the next two teams on this list who finished in last place in their divisions. So, it goes without saying that the 2025 season was a complete failure for the Kansas City Chefs, who lost so many close games in so many weird ways. Losing a SB59 rematch against the Phatterdelphia Seagles was wild, as a pick-6 thrown by Patrick MaHonEs off the hands of Travis Swelce pretty much determined the game. A loss on Monday night to the Jack In The Cracked Jags after Trevor Dude Where’s My Car Lawrence ran it in following a slight stumble was even more bananas. Of course, you had to include the yearly regular season loss to the BufferLow HillBillies in there(it’s only occurred five years in a row and due to the schedule next year, it could balloon up to six). A lucky OT win over Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies turned out to be the last win of the season for KC, who lost to the two Lone Star State teams before being eliminated against the Lost Mangeles Dolts in a game where MaHonEs suffered a devastating Achilles tear that ended his season. His status for the start of next season is currently unknown. It was a streak-busting year for the Chefs and not in a good way. First missed playoffs in a dozen years. The AFC Wusst division title reign came to an end. An awful 1-5 record in division games, as they even lost a game at the end of the season to the BradyDoors. Wowza. That’s pretty bad. So, now that the Kingdom has been punched down, how are they gonna come back? They at least have their nine one-possession losses as a reminder that them getting back into the playoffs isn’t too far off. A third-place schedule along with games against teams from mediocre division should lead to a bounce back. Being swept against the Dolts and Denver Donkeys is unlikely to happen again. With three titles to their name, the Chefs are the most successful team still in the past decade, although the PottyHats now stand as a threat to their supremacy along with all the other hungry teams in the AFC seeking a taste of that championship drink. It won’t be an easy climb back to the top, but there was once a dynasty that hit a wall following a tough leg injury to its QB. MaHonEs is really trying to copy Tom Brady’s path at this point, isn’t he? Well, best of luck to him. He’s got about a six-year wait until his next SB winning opportunity, which is set to come after the Chefs leave behind ArrowHead for some domed venue across the state line in Kansas. How the times change so fast!

5. New Orleans Aints(Reg Season Record: 6-11)

• Amount Of Games Lost: 11
• Longest Losing Streak: 4
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four Of FF: 9
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 3
• Losses At Home By More Than 10 Pts: 2
• Amount of Weeks Spent As Top Bottom Team: 4
• Amount of Stats Applied: 6
• Total Flounder Pool Index: 5.5%

Cracking the top/bottom five of this Golden Undies list are the Aints, who in Kellen Moore’s first year under command had a rocky start to the season. Spencer RattlerSnake literally was one of the biggest losers to start out his NFL career as a starting QB in NFL history, with a very bad record dating back to his debut after Derek FastCarr suffered a devastating shoulder injury at the end of last year. Then, once RattlerSnake got benched for Tyler Shough(pronounced Shuck), things started changing for the better. After hitting a low point with a 1-8 record, NOLA had a strong finish to the season with a 5-3 record. And yet, they moved up(or down) from number ten in the season finale rankings to number five. Why is that? The reason is due to the amount of weeks that they spent as the top bottom team at the beginning of the season. When you lose eight of your first nine games, you’re bound to be near or at the top of weekly lists of badness. And with tight losses to the FortingMiners, YellowBeaks and PottyHats and blowout losses to Seattle and Tampa Bay, the Aints were low on this list. Even though they beat the New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants, they still finished a spot ahead of them(or below). With some surprise wins that helped to determined the winner of the NFC Sourth(or 💩 Mountain), the Aints nearly helped get the Suckaneers into the playoffs and nearly kept the Black KittyKATs out of it, but they lost to the Atlanta ChokingBirds and failed to end the season on a five-game winning streak. But being only a couple of results away from winning the worst division in the league ain’t that bad. With Shough as a clear QB option and with good offensive pieces surrounding him and a defense with oldheads like Cameron Jordan(when will that guy ever retire?) and DeMario Davis, New Orleans is in one of the best positions to be in for a last place team. It still doesn’t change the fact that they’ve missed the playoffs in five straight seasons after four consecutive heartbreaking playoff losses. Still, the Fleur de Lis squad has a lot to look forward to in 2026, including an international trip to Paris for a “home game”. Wonder who they’ll play? I pray it’s not my Vikings, although I would like them to avoid a potential trip to the StupidDome if possible.

4. Arizona YellowBeaks/WhiteyBirds(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

• Amount of Games Lost: 14
• Longest Losing Streak: 9(+5 bonus for it being active heading into the offseason)
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four of FF: 4
• Amount of Appearances In Coveted Fifth Spot In Negative Light: 1
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 6
• Losses At Home By More Than 10 Pts: 2
• Mark Davis Fired Head Coach After Season Ends Bonus: +4
• Amount of Stats Applied: 7
• Total Flounder Pool Index: 6.429%

As the number four team and highest ranked NFC team in this list, the SmellowBeaks definitely did the most dodging of Floundering Five appearances throughout the regular season. But when you close out your season that started with a 2-0 start with a 1-14 stretch over the final 15 games, then you deserve to be this high up. A historically bad finish to say the least for Arizona, which started out the year with two wins over NFC Sourth teams. Then they suffered close losses to a wide swath of teams from Sand Fransicko all the way to Indy. Killer Kyler Murray suffered a broken foot injury in a choke job loss to the Titanic Buffoons(Emari Demercado literally cost the desert pigeon team the win with a dropped ball before crossing the goal line) and was benched for the rest of the season, leaving veteran journeyman Jacoby Brissett to take most of the snaps at QB. Brissett had some impressive performances offensively, but the only win he got was a lucky Monday night win over the Dellas CrudBoys. Close losses and blowout losses occurred, including in a game where Brissett threw for the single-game record for completed passes(47). In the end, the YellowBeaks finished with no divisional wins, six losses by double-figures(four of them by 20+ points) and so many close losses that you can’t even conclude whether this team really is what their record says they are. Jonathan Gannon was fired after three seasons of inconsistent leadership and was replaced by Mike LaFleur, who will look to bring stability to a franchise with such a long losing history. His old boss in Sean McVay made the Lost Mangeles Lambs relevant following a decade of horrid losing, and would you look at that, the football team in the Grand Canyon state is in a similar scenario. But clearly the NFC Wusst is more top-heavy than it was in 2017 with the defending-SB champs in the Seattle SamChickens, a Lambs team with an aging Matthew Stafford/loaded offense and a defense with a load of studs, and a FortingMiners team that can’t stay healthy for the life of them and yet they somehow won 12 games with a battered and bruised roster. So, it’s going to be a slow flight back up to the top for Arizona and they might need to do it with a new face at QB. Kyler Murray clearly doesn’t see eye-to-eye with his team’s new head coach or front office and following his old controversies of yore, he might want a change in scenery, making him one of the most coveted QBs in the upcoming free-agency frenzy. With no clear successor in place, the YellowBeaks will either take a flyer on a veteran has-been or turn to a very low-supply QB class in the draft. Either way, it’s going to take some time for this team to take flight, but in the end I’m sure everything will be “alright, alright!” If by alright, that a pretty nice stadium celebrating its 20-year anniversary of opening up is their home in the middle of a god-forsaken desert and more intense close games await for the RedSea fans who go to Glendale for some good times. Now if only the football team could win some of those heartthrobing games. That would be pretty nice. But nice things really don’t exist in a place that can be as hot as 130 degrees in the summer.

3. New Yuck GlennJUTS(Reg Season Record; 3-14)

• Amount of Games Lost: 14
• Longest Losing Streak: 7
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four of FF: 9
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 6
• Losses By More Than 10 Pts At Home: 4
• Amount of Weeks Spent As Top Bottom Team: 3
• Amount of Stats Applied: 6
• Total Flounder Pool Index: 7.167%

Making it up to the three spot, the GlennJUTS had a rough season as they had QB consistency problems and just a tough time against teams who finished above .500. Not a single win over those playoff-caliber or mediocre teams and with an 0-7 start, the Gangrene team was clearly meant to be a close finisher in the race for the Golden Undies award. But instead they come up with bronze as Justin Fields had an awful season with only nine games started in and a super low QB rating of 38.7. Tyrod Taylor took over midway and only had one win under his belt(Fields at least looked good against the two teams from O-H-I-O, true to his Buckeye alumni status), and the JUTS finished with some guy named Brady Cook starting for them as they lost five in a row and were outscored 178-54 in those games. Yikes. Another amazing thing accomplished in Aaron Glenn’s first season at the helm of the team he played a lot of years for in his NFL career was no interceptions at all by the defense. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. With a weak and young secondary, New Yuck just couldn’t pick the ball off. There were a lot of opportunities with opposing QBs throwing the ball near them, but their hands just weren’t ready to firmly grasp the unstable footballs thrown their way. Just incredible how one team can’t get a single interception across 17 games of play. Incredibly bad that is. Do you know what else is incredibly bad? Finishing in last place once again in the AFC Least and doing so with a broke-ass record. With nine blowout losses, the JUTS really didn’t show any effort to be even a mediocre team, although a couple of close losses had them close to eight wins. But realistically, the way the ball bounces, they could have gotten to five or six at least. But in their first year without Aaron Rodgers, the JUTS just had to stink so much that they couldn’t even be guaranteed to draft a QB in the first round. And Dante Moore’s confirmed return to the Oregon Ducks made life harder on the Gangrene team and their fans, who can’t seem to catch a break as the longest active playoff drought in North American pro sports is now at 15 seasons in a row watching playoff games on the couch not featuring the team that Joe Willie Namath led to a Guarantee SB win in Jan 1969(such a great year for New York sports teams and the world). So, where do the GlennJUTS go from here? Perhaps another veteran knockoff QB will be signed, but they are in no way in contention for the big dawgs available on the market. With a last-place schedule upcoming, a win improvement by two or three games could occur, but it just comes to show that when your team is named after an aviation vehicle that has no guarantee of taking off smoothly or landing smoothly all the time(and two of them were infamously flown into landmark buildings in the city which you have as your moniker), good things never come before takeoff or after. Touché to that!

2. BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

• Amount of Games Lost: 14
• Longest Losing Streak: 10
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four of FF: 15
• Amount of Appearances In Coveted Fifth Spot In Negative Light: 1
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 7
• Losses At Home By More Than 10 Pts: 2
• Amount of Weeks Spent As Top Bottom Team: 6
• Mark Davis Fired Head Coach After Season Ends Bonus: +4
• Amount of Stats Applied: 8
• Total Flounder Pool Index: 7.375%

Coming in second(or suck-end) place in these season finale rankings is this eyepatched team who hasn’t tasted success in such a long time that the smartphone I’m writing this on was still a pipe dream at the time. That’s how long we are talking about here. And in spite of the team-up between Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr and Peter Clay Carroll in the Sin City, this team still finished with only three wins all year. Just three. It didn’t help that they had Geno Smith at QB and he ended up being a total joke after he was traded from Seattle. Having the most interceptions in the league in spite of throwing for over 3,000 yards is less than ideal. Having to come out of games with injuries caused due to a weak sauce offensive line is even tougher. Only having Ashton Jeanty, Brock Bowers and an anonymous pot of no-name wideouts(besides Tyler Lockett and the traded-away Jakobi Meyers), is even more insulting. Then, having a defense with Maxx Crosby, Jamal Adams and a bunch of young and wasted defenders is even tougher. Especially due to the curse of committing so many penalties that the dastardly color of banana cheesy yellow becomes a death symbol to your fan base. The Doors’ special teams were good, only because the offense was so bad when they didn’t turn the ball over. And in spite of opening up the season with a win over the eventual AFC champs in the New VrabelLand PottyHats, the Silver and BlackJack still had a rough time as close losses to teams such as the Chicago Bores, Jack In The Cracked Jags and Denver Donkeys were offset by blowout losses to the Kansas City Chefs, Phatterdelphia Seagles(both of those games were actual shutouts of the same tally, 31-0), Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies and the New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants in an actual Tank Bowl game for the number one overall pick. Having the right to draft Fernando Mendoza(or trade that pick to someone else for a prized QB) sounds pretty nice, since he just won a national championship at Indiana, whose football program was labeled as one of the least successful ones in Division I FBS history before some guy named Curt Cignetti showed up on the block and whipped the program into tip-top shape. Hopefully that can occur with the hiring of recent SB champ from the Seattle SamChickens in Klint Kubiak, who replaced Old Pete Carroll after one season for the 74-year old head coach, whose tenure back coaching only last one measly season. And in spite of their sucking ways, the BradyDoors still finish with a silver medal, or in this case, the Silver Undies, which wouldn’t look good if you drop any 💩 stains onto them. Even with a ten-game losing streak, you still manage to finish in second place. If you’re going to suck so bad, you might as well take the proverbial cake and win the Golden Undies. But no, this eyepatched team just had to win one of their three games against the final team on our list, who are none other than the…

1. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

• Amount of Games Lost: 14
• Longest Losing Streak: 7
• Amount of Appearances In Top Four of FF: 15
• Losses By More Than Two Possessions, 16 Pts: 6
• Losses At Home By More Than 10 Pts: 4
• Amount of Weeks Spent As Top Bottom Team: 6
• Frank Reich In-Season Fired Head Coach Bonus: +2
• Amount of Stats Applied: 7
• Total Founder Pool Index: 7.714%

Lo and behold, the top bottom team for these Golden Undies award rankings are these Tennessee Titanic Buffoons. After a season where they lost 14 games for the second straight year, Tennessee went from being second place in last season’s GU rankings to the top bottom team. With Cam Ward as their rookie number one pick QB, the Buffoons had something to look forward to following sloppy QB play from Will “MayoBoy” Levis and Malik Willis(who is doing better off now). But Ward was bitten by the number one pick rookie curse as he got sacked 55 times with a weak O-Line protecting him. The Buffoons lost to a wide assortment of teams as they went winless in AFC Sourth division play(they were outscored 187-47 in six games) and were defeated by other teams from the West Coast to the Eastern Seaboard. Tennessee did pick up some surprising wins over three of the teams mentioned in these rankings, with surprising road wins over the Arizona YellowBeaks(who were wearing their all-black jerseys in that game I believe) and Cleveland ClownShow(if not for a bad two-point conversion attempt, they could have lost) while only having one sole home win at crumbling Nissan Stadium against the Kansas City Chefs(after MaHonEs tore his ACL and their playoff hopes had been extinguished). With nine double-digit losses, including one against the number-two team in the rankings in the BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark, the Titanic Buffoons were indeed a shipwrecked franchise from the start. Brian Callahan was canned from his head coaching job after the loss at the DeathStar Stadium and Mike McCoy coached this team for the rest of the season. Robert Saleh was hired as the next head coach in being a defensive-minded guy, reminding them of another passionate big jolly fella that they once had as a head coach who just led his true team to an appearance in SB60. Still recovering from the firing of Mike Vrabel, the Titanic Buffoons are in the middle of a rebuild in a division that saw all three of their rivals well ahead of them. They could take motivation from last season’s top bottom team in the season finale rankings in the Jack In The Cracked Jags, who fired their head coach and GM and won 13 games to win the division in 2025. So, Tennessee, you might have yourself a winner next season. Or you will be very bad and end up in the bottom of the Cumberland River bed again before your new indoor stadium is completed. You know, there used to be steamboats on the rivers of the South way back in the days of Antebellum rule and when the Stars & Bars were all the rage in the South. I’m not sure how long it took for a railroad to be built in the Volunteer State post Civil War, but that was a good replacement for the steamboat, which someone named Willie loved steering. So, hopefully the train analogy works out better for the Buffoons or they will be a literal train wreck with no stars other than a couple of good veteran defenders and some has-been offensive studs who are fading fast. Sing the country blues all you want, Tennessee fans. At least your college teams are somewhat respectable, although you will need a couple of new starting QBs at Vandy and Rocky Top. That’s all for these Golden Undies rankings. I hoped you enjoyed this entire season of Floundering Five fun as much as I did. Now next year, I definitely won’t be back because I expect to be the busiest 26-year old this side of the San Gabriel Mountains with sports reporting. Then again, I didn’t guarantee a return for 2025 last year and look what happened. So fingers crossed things go well for me or I will be back in this same position of roasting NFL teams while I remain enslaved to the same job-shut reality that thousands in my generation are stuck in. But if this is the end of the line, what a way to go out for me, the philosophically stoned author of the FF.

• Waiting List: Other Mediocre Teams Who Didn’t Make The Cut & Either Fired Their Head Coaches Or Didn’t, The End of Kwesi Adofo-Mensah’s Time In MinuteSoda, Free Agent Rumors That Are Either Gossip Or Bad Rumors, The Latest Attempt To Ban The Tush Push, The Curse of the Number One Pick QB Coming Soon To Fernando Mendoza, Roger Goodell’s Absurd International Game Agenda Expanding To Melbourne, Australia and Paris, The UFL’s Weird Rules, The Possible Retirement Of Discount Double Cheek(Or Not), My Time Writing This Column For My Own Pleasure(And Daddyo’s)