Inspirational Thought of the Week

[Ren takes off his helmet, revealing his bandaged facial scar]

Snoke: Yes… there it is. You have too much of your father’s heart in you, young Solo.

Kylo Ren: I killed Han Solo. When the moment came, I didn’t hesitate!

Snoke: And look at you. The deed split your spirit to the bone. You were unbalanced, bested by a girl who had never held a lightsaber! YOU FAILED!

[Ren tries to attack Snoke, but he blasts Force lightning into the ground which ricochets into Ren, blasting him back; the Praetorian guards draw their weapons in response]

Snoke: Skywalker lives! The seed of the Jedi Order lives! As long as he does… hope lives in the galaxy. I thought you would be the one to snuff it out. Alas, you’re no Vader. You’re just a child in a mask.

Snoke conversing with Kylo Ren at the beginning of “Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi” at his failures in the first movie of the Star Wars sequel trilogy

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place far, far away from Mustafar, Coruscant, Tatooine, Naboo and all the other iconic Star Wars planets, we have been pondering the potential resurrection of a dormant dynasty in the NFL. We are talking about the Evil Empire that existed in the far northeast parts of the country and had a fragmented two-part reign with two main figures under the guise of their owner who literally was the architect of that empire. Now the head coach was seen as the main villain along with the quarterback who literally became the GOAT by simply being a game-manager on the offensive side of the ball and the defense was overseen by that infamously hoodied head coach. But eventually all empires must come to an end and ironically instead of the head coach being thrown down a venting shaft first, it was the quarterback who was let go and he won a championship in his first season away from the domain of the Empire franchise. The head coach was fired after failed seasons with successor QBs and eventually a reset was in order. After a flawed one-season reign from his successor, a more fitting man was picked to lead the squad and he led an instant turnaround with a young apprentice filling in at QB and plenty of other free agents acquired to lead a surprising run that led all the way to the Big Game. But they faced a team that was seeking redemption for its organization and fan base following a disappointing SB loss that resurrected the old dynasty. And oh boy, did they get some payback. With a completely new roster, the team that served in the role of being the resistance heroes defeated the team with six SB titles looking for a seventh one. I’m sure you know what and who I’m talking about, but I’ll just say it. The New VrabelLand PottyHats were defeated in a STUPID Bowl for the sixth time ever. Making them the biggest losers in the game’s history(they already were beforehand, but now they are mediocre in Big Games at 6 and 6, sounds a lot like an infamous order that Sheev Palpatine gave after swaying Anakin Skywalker to the Dark Side, also ironic since the Pots were playing against a Seattle SamChickens team that had a defense with that exact nickname).

With the analysis of the SB60 loss to occur in the final Coveted Fifth Spot analysis of the season before the Golden Undies rankings, we have all the spots of vacant head coaching positions now filled. One of them will be going to coach a basket case of a franchise that can hopefully be turned around by an offensive-minded head coach who just won a SB title guiding a run-heavy offense. In fact, all three of the remaining vacant HC spots were filled by offensive-minded candidates. One of them is the little bro of a head coach I like to call “NeedleNose” while the other is heading over to coach in a place where victories and sustained success are hard to come by. Yeesh. Also one team that has been a constant stalwart had to watch a QB they drafted way back when win on Super Sunday and clearly their fans are going through a world of trouble right now. They ain’t the only ones, but they are the ones kicking themselves the most. Let’s scramble into these final bottom five rankings of this wild and whacky season.

With apologies to Chigozie Anusiem, Kalen King, Cornelius Lucas, Mykal Walker and Kayshon Boutte, here are the post-STUPID Bowl 60 Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. BradyDoors of the Kubiaked Ark(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

For the third straight entry, the BradyDoors are in the top bottom spot. But they finally found their next head coach in Klint Kubiak, who won a SB title with the Seattle SamChickens in the same stadium that his father Gary won a championship with the Denver Donkeys 10 years beforehand. The BradyDoors announced that Kubiak would be introduced as their eighth head coach in the last 15 years and the announcement became official after the SB win by Seattle, whom the Silver and BlackJack play next season ironically. Kubiak will inherit a team that is likely to make massive changes to its QB room and offensive line along with the defense. It won’t be an easy road ahead for the eyepatched team, but with a last-place schedule for the second straight season you would think they would be more lucky in 2026. Alas, having to be hired by a team who has only made two playoff appearances in the past 20 seasons and with no playoff wins since 2002 is not a good deal. But perhaps things will turn around in a division with two QBs recovering from severe lower body injuries and another with a playoff choking QB in an area where this team has more fans in than most other NFL fan bases. Clearly, Fernando Mendoza is expected to be the QB for the BradyDoors next season with them having the number one overall pick. But success rates in the first season of number one picks is very low. Maybe in the second or third season of the number 1 QB there might be more of a chance of team success, like with Caleb Williams in his second year with the Chicago Bores and Bryce Young in his third year with the Carolina Black KittyKATs. So, you never know with these number one picks. Mendoza is a national champion and perhaps he could bring that winning mentality to a team too used to losing loads of games. It’s all a matter of execution and good coaching. Hopefully Klint Kubiak doesn’t let Fernando down.

2. Arizona YellowBeaks(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

Now onto this low-flying team who announced in the week leading up to SB60 that they would be hiring Mike LaFleur from the Lost Mangeles Lambs as their newest head coach. Continuing the expansion of the coaching tree of Sean McVay(who might be the youngest guy to ever have one of those in NFL history), LaFleur will look to bring a winning mentality to a team desperate for a reset in so many ways. If Mike is half the head coach that his brother Matt LaFleur is, then maybe the YellowBeaks can be at least playoff contenders one of these years. A potential trade of Killer Kyler Murray is possible and an acquisition of a veteran QB in free agency like KirkoChainz Cousins, Malik Willis or someone else could be in order. There could potentially be a bridge QB to fill in for a year before looking towards the 2027 NFL draft, which is expected to be filled with more rich prospects at the quarterback position than this season’s draft. So, it’s going to be a long winding wait for Arizona to potentially be a legit team in a loaded NFC Wusst, which they went winless in this past season. Finishing in last place for the third time in the past four seasons, the YellowBeaks look to make important strides with hard decisions ahead for their front office to make in the offseason.

3. Cleveland Monkees(Reg Season Record: 5-12)

Now onto this team with a slightly new nickname(I could still use the ClownShow from time to time) as they hired Todd Monken to be their new head coach. Monken took the job following a few seasons coordinating a Beltimore RuffHens offense with Lamarkable Jackson, Derrick KingHenry, and other amazing offensive pieces. With Monken as the head coach now in CleveLand, there is expected to be an offensive boost, regardless of who the QB is. But this team is known for blundering under high expectations. Even more insane was that SHEdeur Sanders participated in the Fake Bowl Games(exclusively flag football) and he threw two interceptions inside the Moscone Center in downtown Sand Fransicko. The other notable thing that occurred during SB Week for the ClownShow(which has never appeared in a Big Game since the SB era began) was that Myles Garrett won the Defensive Player of the Year Award at the NFL Honors Show. At least this franchise which will now have a nickname harkening to a famous rock and roll band from the 1960s who might be enshrined in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has the privilege of having someone who has the sack record. However long that notion lasts is unknown. Hopefully it will be for twenty-plus years like it was for Michael Strahan, whose record was matched by T.J Watt in 2021 before being surpassed by Garrett this past season. For now, the big question is who the QB next season for the Monkees will be. There are a lot of options on the open market who could be better than any of the internal candidates for QB in CleveLand and hopefully whoever is the QB can lead the Clowns into the playoffs in continuing the every-third year trend that has occurred so far in this decade of Horrors. I can connect a year that had significant chaotic events with a ClownShow playoff appearance. 2020 was a whole load of crazy bad stuff. During the 2023 season, there was an awful massacre that occurred in the Middle East and I don’t want to talk about that, but in both instances CleveLand made the playoffs as a Wuss Card team. Perhaps there will be a potential appearance in 2026, depending on how much crazy stuff occurs in the world. Then again, I could be wrong. But after the AFC Norteh’s less than impressive season, the division is fresh for the taking. You never know what could happen with the Monkees, who will hopefully turn their fans into believers once again in BelieveLand.

4. New Yuck GlennJUTS(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

What a week for this Gangrene team. They were praised for drafting Sam Darnold, then being dumb enough to trade him to Carolina and somehow have the guy they drafted to succeed Darnold be even worse than his time in New Yuck. Then having veteran flameouts in 40-year old Aaron Rodgers(whose Achilles tear set the franchise back so many years) and a former high draft pick in Justin Fields is wild. Now the fans of the JUTS had to watch Darnold lead a Seattle team whose defense also featured a former draft pick of their franchise in Leonard Williams to the STUPID Bowl and a victory over a division rival of the Gangrene team. Darnold now has as many rings as the entire GlennJUTS team has in their franchise history. Their fans can be happy that Broadway Joe Namath gave them a fantastic victory way back when in Jan 1969 in the Guarantee Bowl over the Beltimore Colts. But for the majority of fans of this low-altitude team, most of them can’t remember the victory in the third edition of the then-named AFL-NFL Championship Game because they were either infant children or they weren’t even born yet. How wild is that? Pretty much no teams in NFL history have that long of a STUPID Bowl title/appearance drought. But that’s the reality of a team that moved out of Shea Stadium in Queens in the early 1980s in joining the G.I-Ants as Jersey tenants, has gone through a revolving door of QBs(with some good exceptions like Ken O’Brien, Vinny Testaverde and Mark Sanchez), had the New Yuck Sack Exchange defense fail to lead the team to a Lamar Hunt trophy, had Rex Ryan nearly complete destiny as his father Buddy was the defensive line coach for the SB3 team, and has gone through a revolving door of head coaches since Reckless Rex was fired. Man, can things get any worse for this franchise? Sure, you can go winless across a 17-game season. The GlennJUTS should be happy that they won three games, but that’s a bit of a low point. Whatever happens next for this team cannot erase the fact that the spotlight is constantly on whoever the QB of this team is, even though they aren’t located in the Big Apple. These Jersey Boys just can’t seem to catch a break, but hopefully a last place schedule and games against the NFC Norteh and AFC Wusst can garner better results in 2026. Good luck, Aaron Glenn. You’re gonna need it.

5. The Dynasty Resurrection Fails: PottyHats Get Beat In SB60 As Drake “Drake Maye” Maye Looks Sloppy Against Seattle On Big Stage(0-a load of whining fans who hated the quality of this game)

So, for this STUPID Bowl LX edition of the Coveted Fifth Spot, we have a team who looked to return to its spot of glory in the pantheon of champions following a season where they took advantage of a “cupcake” schedule, including in the playoffs. But they were resoundingly defeated on the big stage in a rematch bowl(too many of those these days, right?) against the Seattle SeaChickens, who used their powerful defense to sack a young QB a gazillion times and hold this team scoreless through three quarters. In what can be described as a defensive slopfest, the New VrabelLand PottyHats were defeated at Levi’s Stadium by the SamChickens, who used field goals and great defense to gain their second championship in team history. Drake Maye tried to mimic Tom Brady in every way in terms of leading a PottyHats team in his second season to a Big Game where their opponent was an NFC West opponent. This game seemingly would resurrect their dynasty, but instead it came to show how hard winning a championship was.

If not for a streaker somehow coming onto the field(strange that three of the last six SBs have featured instances of streakers running onto the field, your security measures suck NFL), New VrabelLand could have been the first team to be shut out in a STUPID Bowl ever. Whether Robert Kraft intentionally sent that streaker onto the field to fuel a couple of momentous passes by Maye to Mack Hollins for a touchdown that got the team down by a dozen is unknown, but committing three turnovers and having one of them returned for a touchdown was the nail in the coffin for the PottyHats. With their 12th appearance in the STUPID Bowl(their first was forty years beforehand when they lost to the Shuffling Chicago Bores, who probably started the trend of the Big Game becoming bastardized), the PottyHats are now a record of 6-6. Meaning they are the biggest winners in SB history(still tied with some team from the town of SchittsBurgh) while also being the team that has lost in the Big Game the most times(they held that mark before this game, but being an even .500 is loco). Drake “Drake Maye” Maye and Mike Vrabel failed to resurrect the PottyHats dynasty and clearly all of us play the role of Snoke telling Kylo Ren “You’re no Vader”. Maye barely performed worse than Sam Darnold, who thankfully didn’t see enough ghosts in this one and committed no turnovers. For all the work of the Pots’ defense holding the SamChickens offense out of the end zone, it was a moot effort due to the lack of offensive execution from young Maye.

Who knows if this team with their specific core will be back in this position a year or two or three from now? The AFC is looking mighty tough and the BufferLow HillBillies are hungry for a big playoff run that goes all the way to L.A next season. The Kansas City Chefs could rise up again with a returned from ACL Patrick MaHonEs and the Denver Donkeys could have won the AFC title game had Bo Nix not gotten hurt. Let’s not forget the Beltimore RuffHens with their star-studded team under a new head coach and the first place schedule the PottyHats will face next year will show if they are truly legit or not. So, it’s a tough defeat for a team that had an impressive turnaround from two straight last-place finishes in the division to winning the division, running the playoff gauntlet and making it to the STUPID Bowl in a one-season span. The future is bright for New VrabelLand, but the question remains: Will this version of them form into a championship pantheon or did they just miss their best chance to win the Big Game? Ask Dan Marino how he felt when he lost at Stanford Stadium as a second-year QB. He never got back to the Big Game. Let’s hope Drake Maye doesn’t suffer the same fate.

• Waiting List: Tennessee Titanic Buffoons, New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants, Every Other Team Who Has Never Won A STUPID Bowl or Been to One, The Ugly Fake Bowl Games Featuring Micah Parsons Vrooming Onto The Field In His Lightning McQueen Motorscooter Everytime The NFC Team Made A Big Play, The Proverbial End of Football Season(Unless You Count Offseason News, The Draft and the UFL), The Politicized Segregation of Halftime Show Viewers