Inspirational Thought of the Week

On a warm summer’s evening
On a train bound for nowhere
I met up with a gambler
We were both too tired to sleep
So, we took turns a-staring
Out the window at the darkness
‘Til boredom overtook us
And he began to speak

He said, “Son, I’ve made a life
Out of reading people’s faces
And knowing what their cards were
By the way they held their eyes
So, if you don’t mind my saying
I can see you’re out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey
I’ll give you some advice.”

So, I handed him my bottle
And he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette
And asked me for a light
And the night got deathly quiet
And his face lost all expression
Said, “If you’re gonna play the game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right

You got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sitting at the table
There’ll be time enough for counting
When the dealing’s done.

“The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers

Here at Floundering Five Headquarters, located in a place where gambling is done casually in a fun and moneyless basis, we have been considering the transformation that the NFL has gone through when it comes to one thing. That one thing revolves around greed, the greed to score more points. And analytics give coaches from coast-to-coast the excuse they need to validate their successes or defend against their failures. Even in the biggest of games when every decision a coach makes determines who wins and who loses. Of course the players have to make the plays that decide the result of the game as well. That part still exists. But over the past decade, it seems that coaches have been taking control of the game into their hands and using a tactic of attempting fourth down conversions either in a favorable spot of the field or an unfavorable spot of the field in the hopes of gaining a first down or a touchdown(in goal-to-go situations). Once upon a time, most head coaches in the NFL were not this ballsy and bold to attempt fourth downs unless the game was literally on the line(on a team’s last-ditch drive). But due to the “success” that occurred with one team that happened to win a STUPID Bowl, that gave more teams the credence to go for it on fourth downs from a few yards out because the analytics strategy worked for one championship team. These days, it seems almost mandatory for teams to go for it on fourth down whenever they feel like it, whether it be in the first quarter, second quarter, third quarter or most realistically the fourth quarter. The dumbnamic kickoff’s touchback clause(most of them have the ball go out to the 35-yard line unless bouncing in the landing zone and then into the end zone, thus putting the ball at the 20) has basically made going for it on fourth down a similar strategy as putting on your shoes before going outside. Very few people go outside walking barefoot(I do when I’m not leaving the house) and very few NFL offensive playcallers hold themselves back from going for it on fourth down. But these coaches gamble at their own risk, because if their offenses fail on a fourth down conversion, then it could make the difference between victory and defeat. Especially if you are in field goal range and in a low-scoring game or tightly knit game in the playoffs.

The above alibi will be the subject of two teams’ devastating defeats in the conference championship games that make up the penultimate Coveted Fifth Spot analysis for this season. Wild how times flies right, and we’re going to have two teams who have mostly managed to avoid the FF this season so far. Nobody is immune from being roasted. Nobody. Especially teams who have yet to hire their head coach and those who have in terms of making a questionable decision as to whom they hired. Whether it be waiting on your preferred candidate to be available for signing a contract due to him still coaching in the playoffs or being turned down because you’re a dumpster fire franchise with no outside interest in taking the job, that’s how it goes. So, we’ll have a ball with that.

As we approach the end of January and the beginning of February, we must acknowledge the fact that twenty-three years ago today(Jan 26) was the last time a STUPID Bowl was played in this month. Ever since then, every Big Game has occurred in February and from the first Sunday of the month to the second Sunday of the month. And the can continues to be promised to be kicked down the road even further due to capitalistic greed and wanting an official SB Monday holiday to replace “Presidents’ Day”. Oh boy, the NFL thinks that it is a god and deity. Unfortunately, they might be partially right due to the amount of people they get to violate the Sabbath every Sunday in the months of September thru February. The kickoffs don’t start until well after church services conclude in the local areas, but if you haven’t noticed our time zones go on different clocks, leading to conflicts of interest from fans in time zones to the west of where their teams are playing. I’m cursed by this and so are plenty of other fans. So, on that tough note, let’s move into the rankings for this week(and thank God there’s no football next Sunday and the SB has a late-afternoon to early evening kickoff depending on what time zone you’re in).

With apologies to Adam Butler, Pharaoh Brown, Isaiah Wooden, Aaron Brewer, John Franklin-Meyers and Matthew Stafford, here are the post-Conference Championship Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. BradyDoors of the Lost VegAss Ark(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

Remaining in the top bottom spot, the BradyDoors are still looking to find its next head coach. After Robert Saleh was hired by the Titanic Buffoons last week, they had to pivot to other options. Now that their namesake is done calling games for the season, he can have a more active role in searching for and hiring that head coach. Ironic that the last time the Silver and BlackJack made a SB, they were in JokeLand and had Rich Gannon as their QB and Jerry Rice as one of his receivers. They also had Charles Woodson, who eventually won a SB in a game that he didn’t play in. That was also the last Big Game to occur in January. Since then, February has been the month of confetti and crowning champions in the NFL exclusively and will eventually surpass January for being the month with the most STUPID Bowls played ever(it’s not like March is going to ever have a SB, or is it?). In looking to solve their head-coaching carousel they have dealt with for the past almost 25 years, the eyepatched team has to make the right hire. They are eyeing candidates such as Sean McDermott(although he might want to coach elsewhere or sit out a year after getting ousted by the incompetent leadership in BufferLow) and the offensive coordinator of the Seattle SamChickens Klint Kubiak, who could be hired by the…

2. Arizona SmellowBeaks(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

Yep, the Desert Pigeon team still is waiting for their potential head coach as they are interviewing candidates but aren’t announcing who they’re interviewing, which is a little suspicious. They assumably interviewed Klint Kubiak for a potential head coaching role, and could be involved with Sean McDermott. One guy they won’t be hiring is Grant Udinski, who announced that if he isn’t hired by the BufferLow HillBillies to be their next head coach, he will return to his role as the offensive coordinator of the Jack In The Cracked Jags. Either way, the WhiteyBirds have a lot of issues such as who their QB going forward will be. With Dante Moore declaring that he will be returning to the University of Oregon, that puts the draft plans for Arizona in flux. Killer Kyler Murray could be traded and the YellowBeaks might want to trade for a veteran QB with some playoff experience(more than what their pathetic franchise has in the past several years). The last time this team appeared in a conference championship game was ten years ago and seeing Seattle go to its fourth SB in the past twenty years is rough. But their other two division rivals have gone to a combined five SBs in that timeframe as well and the only SB appearance in this team’s franchise history occurred in 2008 with Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald and Calais Campbell(who was a rookie defensive tackle on that team and might retire after coming back for one season). They obviously lost to the Stellers, who hired a head coach that Arizona defeated in three playoff appearances in a row. That’s wild. So is the fact that their stadium in Glendale has hosted three neutral site playoff games since Feb 2009. That includes Sam Darnold losing to a Lost Mangeles Lambs team in a game that had to be moved due to horrid fires that hit the Lost Mangeles area last January. Darnold was the QB on a 14-3 Vikings team that should have won the NFC Norteh and could have played against the NFC Sourth champion if not for dumb tiebreakers like “record against common opponents”. Right below in the CFS, Darnold’s redemption against the Lambs will be described in summarized form, so stayed tuned for that. Also, another fun fact is that the YellowBeaks last three playoff appearances have come in seasons where they have hosted the Vikings at their Big Toaster Stadium, in which they won each of those three games. So, they’ll have 2027 to look forward to for that. Other than that, they’ll continue to fly low and be in a perpetual basement in a top-heavy division out west.

3. Cleveland ClownShow(Reg Season Record: 5-12)

Now onto a team that hasn’t appeared in a conference championship game in nearly 40 years, dating to a tragic fumble that cost the old version of this franchise a SB berth. The greatest ClownShow in northeast Ohio hasn’t been able to hire anybody since letting go of Kevin Stefanski, who was hired by the Atlanta ChokingBirds, whom the Clowns will host next season. That will be an awkward reunion. Other than Baker Mayfield(whom the Clowns will face in a road game next season in Tampa Bay), there will be a couple of odd games in 2026. Hosting the Houston Texthens, who gave them Deshaun Watson in a trade that has worked out better for the youngest NFL franchise(this version of the ClownShow is the second-youngest technically) will be another bugaboo. So, on the topic of head coach interviews, the wunderkind Udinski has turned them down and the candidate that many people have in mind to be the next head coach of the Orange-helmet team is Jim Schwartz, who was formerly the defensive coordinator way back when for this team built on defenders. But it might be a while until this team gets a head coach hired. They had to watch their old selves in the Beltimore RuffHens hire Jesse Minter, so on a yearly basis Minter will be coming to CleveLand. Also, their next-door division rivals are the FattsBurgh Stellers now that Mike McCarthy will be coaching his hometown team in “replacing” Mike Tomlin. But that’s not even the oddest news regarding this team. The weirdest news that came out on this Monday after the conference championship games was that SHEdeur Sanders was announced as a Fake Bowl Games replacement for Drake “Drake Maye” Maye, who will be playing in SB60. Apparently the Fake Bowl Games occurring the same week leading up to the STUPID Bowl occurring in the “host city” of the game(San Francisco is 40-plus miles northwest of Levi’s Stadium) doesn’t mean that players selected to the game on the teams playing in the SB will be participating in it. Making the premise even more stupid. So, SHEdeur with only seven career starts and eight game appearances will be replacing Maye as a QB on the AFC team. Technically, Maye didn’t play in every game of his rookie season and was a QB in the Fake Bowl Games of 2025 in Orlando. But still, there are other QBs they could have considered out of the AFC. I guess a lot of them said “Nah, I’m good”, were injured(Bo Nix as an example) or just had different priorities, so they had to go with SHEdeur. That’s the world we live in today, where All-Star events in two of the most popular sports leagues in the world are treated like an exhibition event for fun. That’s the meaning of it, but I suppose the fear of risking injury ain’t worth it for some guys. It’s literally written into some dudes’ contracts that they can’t do “extreme events”, so I guess some of the FBG events qualify as that. At least Deion’s son will be participating in the Fake Bowl Games occurring in primetime on the Tuesday night of STUPID Bowl week. It’s for the fans I guess and now the suckers who have tickets for the Big Game have immediate access to potentially attend the entertaining events at the Moscone Center in downtown SF. Hip hip hooray for that. Let’s see how long that tradition lasts. Might be as long as the team captain format that went for a few years when the game was still in Hawaii.

4. Miami Delphins(Reg Season Record: 7-10)

Speaking of tropical conditions(something nice to hear for the entire nation getting iced out right now), the DolphLundgrens hired their new head coach in Jeff Hafley, who was the defensive coordinator these past few years in Grinch Bay. It seems that hiring out of the smallest metro area in all the NFL seems to be the strategy for Miami, who hired its new GM Jon-Eric Sullivan from TitLeTown. They also promoted passing game coordinator Bobby Slowik to be their new offensive coordinator, while Mike McDaniel was officially hired as the new OC of the Lost Mangeles Dolts. So, with Hafley as the new head coach, the Phins hope to compete in the AFC Least, which just saw the New VrabelLand PottyHats make it to their 12th SB ever and the 10th one in this century. That also counts for all the Big Game appearances for that division in this century. Whoa. The Delphins haven’t even won a playoff game since 2000 when they won in overtime over Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies at their current stadium that just hosted a College Football Playoff National Championship game. Losing its past five playoff appearances in the Wuss Card Round and only winning one division title in that timeframe is a rough predicament for DolFans to reckon with. The last time this team even played in a conference championship game was in the 1992 playoffs when they were beaten by the HillBillies, who made their third straight SB appearance that ended in failure. Also hiring Hafley and passing on Don Shula’s grandson(whose team was eliminated this past week) is kind of insulting to the fan base. But Hafley oversaw a mostly successful defense for the Fatkers other than Micah Parsons getting hurt near the end of the season and everything falling apart. The main reason why the Phins closed out strong in 2025 was due to their defense, so there’s some room for hope there. However, they might have to move on from HawkTua Tagovailoa, whose concussion problems and inaccuracy have come home to roost. Who they find as a replacement is unknown. For now, they continue swimming in a cesspool of their own making. At least their weather is better than 99.9991% of the country this time of year.

5. Bad Fourth-Down Gambling Costs Two Livestock-Themed Teams Chances At Playing In SB60(0-a load of angry fans at analytics that they asked for)

This edition of the Coveted Fifth Spot will analyze two teams’ horrid decisions to attempt fourth down conversions in moments where taking a field goal would have been more beneficial to their team’s chances of victory in the conference championship games. As I mentioned in the preview paragraph, gambling on fourth downs has become something so normalized that not going for it has actually become the more surprising choice to make. But it shows discipline and apparently nobody is willing to learn from those mistakes. There have been a couple of ringleaders to this madness. Dumb Pederson with the Seagles basically greenlit all of it and other offensive-minded head coaches have continued that legacy. Gamblin’ Dan Campbell basically cost himself and his Dumtroit Flyins a chance at going to the SB two years ago due to failed fourth down conversions when attempting a field goal would be a more logical move(now a lot of this has occurred due to historic mistrust of kickers in big moments, so let’s not pretend that’s not a factor). Now once again, two head coaches found themselves in similar situations on Conference Championship Sunday on whether to go for it on fourth down. One of them was in the first half of a game that got messy in the second half in terms of the weather being very unfavorable to offensive players. The other occurred with the game on the line in the fourth quarter, a more logical time to go for it but still taking the field goal would put that team down by one point and another kick would have won them the game. And it just happened to be that both of these head coaches have the same first name and actually played each other before in a Conference Championship Game. They had a chance to meet up in SB60, and instead they will play in the imaginary Final Arrivals To Paradise Bowl.

Firstly let’s start with the home long shot Denver Donkeys, who lost Bo Nix to a fractured ankle in their AFC Divisional win over the BufferLow HillBillies. Having to rely on Jarrett Stidham against the New VrabelLand PottyHats, Denver hoped to get to a surprise SB with Mile High altitude advantage and a QB who hadn’t started a real game in more than two years. Against a PottyHats team whose offense had committed some turnovers so far in the playoffs, a potential defensive game needed to happen in order for the Donkeys to have a chance to win. Apparently, that memo was well received as points were at a premium in this AFC title tilt. A lot of punting occurred in this game, but there were moments where scoring happened or could have happened. Stidham, as a former PottyHat QB, had an amazing throw on the second drive of the day to Marvin Mims Jr that got Denver into the red zone. Then, Stiddy threw a TD pass to Courtland Sutton that put the Donkeys on the board. Up 7-0, the home team’s defense got some good stops on Drake “Drake Maye” Maye, but at the beginning of the second quarter the Stidham-led offense got back into the red zone and into scoring range. Following a third down scramble by Stidham that came up just a yard short(a lot of people would say that Bo Nix could have picked up that first down), it was fourth and one. A chance to kick a field goal to go up 10-0 on a cold day(with some snowy weather to come from over the mountains to the west) would be a great decision to make. However, after calling a timeout, the Mad Stocking Cap Wearer Sean Payton decided to keep his offense out there on the field to go for it on fourth down. One yard was all that was needed, so you would think a running play was drawn up. Nope. You’d be wrong. Instead, Stidham stepped back to pass in play-action formation and was pressured right away. He threw a pass that was thrown well short of the intended target and incomplete. That would come back to cost the Donkeys, who forced a punt on New VrabelLand on the next drive, but then they made a mistake as Stidham was pressured and made a backup QB mistake in throwing the ball backwards while getting sacked. The PottyHats recovered it and it would have been a touchdown if not for the refs dumbly blowing their whistles. The backwards pass counted as a fumble and Maye scored a rushing touchdown off of it. Now tied at 7, the game was going to get wild. The first half ended with Will Klutz attempting a 54-yard field goal in the cold windy conditions and that kick was missed wide right of the goalpost. Well, there was still some time left and Andy Borregales attempted an even longer 64-yard kick that was way wide left of the post. So, both teams failed to take the lead into the half. Then, the second half came and so did the snow. Slowly but surely Empower Field turned into a snow globe with flurries coming down with fury and the field turned so white that CBS tried to use yard markers on its broadcast screens and it didn’t work. To open up the second half, the New Angland offense had a long strong drive that went into the red zone and they wildly chose to go for it on fourth down being one yard away from the line to gain. Maye lunged forward in a mush pile and the refs ruled it a first down. Payton decided to challenge the call and lost the challenge and a timeout(that was huge). Well, the PottyHats did not score a touchdown and elected to take a short field goal by Borregales, who made a 23-yard kick. Many people didn’t know it at the time, but that score would be a game-winning one. Another missed kick by Borregales occurred in the whiteout conditions and after having a few punts, Denver got into field goal range with only four and a half minutes left. Will Klutz attempted a 45-yard kick and it was tipped by a PottyHats defensive lineman, with the tip changing the trajectory of the ball that went wide left of the goalpost. With one last chance left, the Donkeys needed to take a shot downfield. Stidham did just that and the pass was intercepted by Christian Gonzalez. Drake Maye ended the game on a third down scramble after the two-minute warning and this team that was the ire of so many NFL fanbases throughout the first two decades of the 21st century was going back to the STUPID Bowl. Wow. Unreal. If the game was tied 10-10 due to a different decision made by Payton, then maybe the game would be heading into overtime and who knows what would happen at that point. But this just comes to show that even the longer-tenured head coaches in the NFL can be sucked into the whirlpool of analytical greed. And that costs the teams they coach very dearly. But with no Bo Nix, the Donkeys would have barely stood a chance against whoever came out of the NFC.

The nightcap to Conference Championship Sunday were the Lost Mangeles Lambs taking on the Seattle SamChickens in a highly anticipated matinee between two fierce rivals. Sam Darnold was seeking playoff redemption over the Lambs, who beat him in his first ever playoff game in a neutral site environment. Meanwhile, Lost Mangeles was seeking its third SB appearance under Sean McVay, who is one of the younger head coaches that has literally had his career revolve around analytical coaching decisions. The game occurred in Seattle, where the Lambs choked a 16-point lead more than a month ago due to some weird backwards pass controversy on a two-point conversion and horrible defensive coverage. A Seattle opening drive garnered a touchdown for the home team and on the two following drives, L.M settled for two field goals. Both of them on long yardage situations. Eventually, the Lambs took the lead on a touchdown, but the SamChickens got a TD before the half ended and held a 17-13 lead. On the opening drive to the second half, the Lost Mangeles defense got a third down sack on Darnold and forced Seattle to punt. But on the punt, Xavier Smith had problems with seeing the ball and he went down to catch it, with it going off his shoulder pad and being recovered by a Seattle punt gunner. On the very next play, Darnold threw a touchdown pass to Jake Bobo. An 11-point lead was huge for the SamChickens in this game. The Lambs responded with a touchdown drive and Seattle punched back with a TD of their own. The Lambs scored again due to a taunting foul on Riq Woolen after a third down pass breakup. The very next play, Matthew Stafford found Puka Nacua for a big catch at the pylon and who was on the coverage? Woolen. Wow. Now, with the score being an 11-point margin at two different points, McVay opted both times not to go for two. Opting for PATs by Harrison Mevis, which he made. If the Lambs converted on a two-pointer, then they’d be done by three points and all they would need was a field goal to tie the game. But oddly enough, that didn’t happen and those decisions would prove to be crucial in this one. After forcing a punt by Seattle, the Lost Mangeles offense went on a good drive from the ten-yard line all the way back into scoring range. A fourth down was attempted from one yard out and Stafford had a solid scramble pick up enough yardage for the first down. Going into the red zone, a couple of completions by Stafford to Nacua set up an interesting situation. Following an incomplete pass by Stafford on third down, there were five minutes left on the clock and the ball was four yards away from the line to gain on fourth down. McVay opted for his offense to stay on the field to go for it and with the ball being so close to the end zone, a touchdown pass attempt would be likely to occur on the draw up. Stafford dropped back to pass and he looked to find rookie tight end Tyler Ferguson in the back of the end zone. The only problem with that was Devin Witherspoon was in front of Ferguson and broke up the pass easily. It was incomplete. No flags in the end zone for interference or holding. Wow. McVay basically crumbled his playsheet into his face knowing he had made a bad decision. Very suspicious for him to attempt a fourth down conversion when he could have gone for two in either instance earlier in the second half. Instead, he had to watch time wither away as he used all of his timeouts and with little time left when the Lambs got the ball back. Needing a touchdown with 25 seconds left, L.M basically ran out of time when Nacua was ruled in bounds on a catch near the sideline with a few seconds left. It was game over. Seattle was going back to the Big Game for the first time in 11 years.

Meanwhile, the Lambs have to wonder if things could have been different had a few mistakes not happened. This wasn’t as egregious as Sean Payton’s miscalculation, but it was still devastating. Good playcalling can only get you so far in a playoff run. Special teams was an issue for this team and it got exposed. Weird how both teams committed only one turnover that led to touchdowns both time. Just comes to show how razor thin things are this time of year. Any mistake could be fatal to your chances of winning. And failed fourth down conversions doomed both the Donkeys and Lambs from going to Santa Clara. If only this could lead to a learning moment for each of the teams. But it probably won’t. The dumbnamic kickoff’s dumb rules only lead more coaches to go for it on fourth down due to a load of confidence in their offenses. In the end, it’s up to the players to make a play and when they don’t make it, they have to go over what they did wrong. If only more coaches could see that this strategy of greed is what is costing them. Football used to be treated like a field-position game. Now it’s been hijacked by analytics fools who, like the rest of us, are guessing most of the time. At least the NFL isn’t the only sports league to embrace analytics, but in this case it really does determine winners and losers. Unlike in baseball, which basically uses analytical stats for eye candy. Now onto our long-awaited bye week. Finally, five months in a row of me writing and I get to take a breather. But the FF and CFS will be back for an end-of-season post-STUPID Bowl analysis and then the long awaited Golden Undies award rankings. Stay tuned, y’all. It’s not over yet.

• Waiting List: Tennessee Titanic Buffoons, New Yuck GlennJUTS, Every Other Team Just Watching On The Couch, Minter Is Coming To Beltimore, A Potential McCarthy-Rodgers Reunion In FattsBurgh, Three Quarters Of The Country Facing Horrible Icy Conditions, The Fake Bowl Games Occurring On A TuesDay Night Before SB60 And Replacement Players For Those On SB-Competing Teams, The Inevitably Horrid Anti-American Music Performances At Levi’s Stadium Competing With America250 Acknowledgements, The Head Coaching Cycle Continuing Along With The GM Cycle As Well