Kent Bewley's News Story Collection

Inspirational Thought of the Week

I don’t hate you
No, I couldn’t if I wanted to
I just hate all the hurt that you put me through
And that I blame myself for letting you
Did you know I already knew?

Couldn’t even see you through the smoke
Looking back I probably should have known
But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone

Loved me with your worst intentions
Didn’t even stop to question
Everytime you burned me down
Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven

Loved me with your worst intentions
Painted us a happy ending
Everytime you burned me down
Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
And it’s so gut wrenching
Falling in the wrong direction

“Wrong Direction” by Hailee Steinfeld

Here at Floundering Five Headquarters, located in a metro area where going on n the wrong direction occurs all the time for people who don’t use the Maps or GPS app on their phones/car screens, we have been considering the idea of karma and split allegiances that plenty of family members/loved ones of NFL players in the playoffs are dealing with. They might be rooting on their loved ones’ team to win, while silently hoping that their actual team wins or does well enough to make it competitive. But one of the wildest things that could happen is that a famous player could have an old fan allegiance from his wife come back to haunt his team’s chances to defeat that exact same team in the Divisional Round of the playoffs. If you can see who the artist of the weekly song is, then you know who I am talking about(I will elaborate further below in my CFS roast). Other than that awkward situation, there were two turnover palooza games where the teams who committed more unforced (or forced) errors were defeated in embarrassing fashion. That will involve Charlie Watson/SpiderGwen Stacy’s husband, who was cursed by his own dumb antics and the referees once again on the big stage. Also, another head coach “firing” from a team eliminated in the playoffs. What in the wide world of angry football fans is going on here?

There were also a couple of teams who hired new head coaches to start the domino rolling on head coach vacancies being filled. One of them got lucky and won a lottery ticket by hiring a coach who was coaching some 150 miles south of where they are located for the past two decades. The other just decided to roll the dice on a head coach who got fired after spending six seasons leading the team in a city named the Mistake By The Lake. So, that’s the case here. Now eventually I will have to display my long division/mathematical skills to determine which team(s) are the worst ones from this season of suckyness. But for now, we must analyze a couple more of them in these rankings after the Divisional Round, where those teams have not been since either the fifth version of the iPhone was popular or when televisions still struggled to have a really good high definition font(it was standard or nothing way back in the glory days of 2002/3). Talk about how time flies, right? Like a hot dog bun in your face! Let’s get into it.

With apologies to Ashton Jeanty, Akeem Davis-Gaither, Isaiah Hodgins, Jake Matthews, Sean McDermott and Xavier Hutchinson, here are the post-Divisional Round Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. BradyDoors of the Lost VegAss Ark(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

For the 23rd year in a row, the Divisional Round of the playoffs did not feature this eyepatched team, which has gone from being suckers in JokeLand to suckers off the Strip. With Tom Brady as a minority owner and Al Davis dead since Oct 2011, the Silver and BlackJack are still searching for their 13th different head coach since the infamous Jon Gruden trade to Tampah Bay(Gruden is among those dozen different head coaches, excluding interims). After missing on some guy named John and another named Kevin, the BradyDoors have to keep on looking. But they might be in another fired head coach sweepstakes soon, since a surprise firing of a coach who is a verifiable playoff choker happened on the morning of MLK Day. So, the fans of the Silver and BlackJack might have a dream of having a once-great again team that can constantly contend for the playoffs. That hasn’t been the case since, well, the first few years of this 21st century, which is officially in its second quarter. Yikes. 100 years really does take forever, but 25 years sure goes by fast. Whether that’s a good thing or bad thing I don’t know. But they need a coach who won’t get fired because he wasn’t liked by the owner or was forced to resign due to some weird email scandal that he got caught up in. Just no controversy and some longevity is all the fans are asking for. But those fans of the BradyDoors of the LVA know that they can’t have nice things, because they constantly get broken and damaged. Especially when the team is playing in a DeathStar Stadium that has some of the most expensive ticket prices in all the league but gets invaded by opposing fans from out of town due to the allure of seeing a football game across the street from Mandalay Bay and Luxor and Excalibur and all the other lower Strip casinos. Nothing says premium economy like that! At least their assumed number one pick QB won his national championship game for the Indiana Hoosiers on Mondae night, so they will at least have a winner to draft. The most recent Heisman Trophy/National championship QB to be drafted number one overall was Famous Anus Winston, who didn’t quite work out as planned for the Tampa Bay Suckaneers and he technically played one more season after that victory. So, really the last guy to win a Heisman and Natty in his final year in college and be drafted number one was Cam Newton, who nearly led the Carolina Black KittyKATs to a SB title ten years ago. Fernando has a kind of high bar to meet for this lowly and sucky team in Lost VegAss. That’s the case for any QB drafted number one after winning a natty.

2. Arizona SmellowBeaks(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

Now onto this desert pigeon team, which had to watch all of its fellow NFC Wusst division rivals play on Divisional Weekend and now will watch two of its foes dog it out against each other in the NFC Title game next week. Still searching for a worthy head coaching candidate, the SmellowBeaks(cuz they stink like birdie doo doo) are eyeing a potential offensive-minded candidate and one of those was just hired by another fellow winged team. But their target is Klint Kubiak, who is the offensive coordinator of the Seattle SamChickens’ run-heavy offense. Kubiak is following potentially in the footsteps of his father(his little bro Klay is getting some interviews as well after being beaten by Klint’s team over the weekend) and is very likely to be hired as a head coach in this very open-vacancy market. But until Seattle gets eliminated, more interviews will be conducted with potential candidates, including the bright-minded actual QB Guru(Kevin O’Connell might be a fraudulent holder of that title, there I said it) Grant Udinski(a wunderkind at the young age of 30 years old, he could be the Sean McVay of this decade). So, until that happens, the fans of this team can muse over their last appearance in the Divisional Round and most recent playoff win overall(they now hold the longest active playoff win drought in the NFC and fourth-longest in the league) as 10 years ago, they beat the Grinch Bay Fatkers in a thrilling game at their Big Toaster Stadium that ended with a game-winning rushing TD by Larry Fitzgerald(who might soon be announced as a first-ballot Hall of Famer at the NFL Honors Award Show). Ever since then, this redbird team has been a low-flying one and they are looking for a reset at the QB position. They have some good offensive assets, they just need a quarterback who will be disciplined, won’t get hurt constantly and won’t spend excessive amounts of time playing video games. Best of luck to them. Luck is something that is hard to come by for the WhiteyBirds/YellowBeaks in a metro area surrounded by spiky cacti and a bunch of dust just waiting to be blown up and cause a dust storm. At least it’s “winter” and spring training teams in the Cactus League will arrive soon to give the locals some entertainment other than going to Phoenix Suns games. All in due time, like a few weeks for pitchers and catchers to report.

3. New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

Now onto this stomping franchise, which just finally wrapped up contract negotiations to hire their best head coach since Tom Coughlin stepped down ten years ago. The Army Ants won the John Harbaugh sweepstakes as they got the former Beltimore RuffHens leader to be their fifth head coach in the last decade and hopefully he will coach for the entirety of the five-year deal he signed on Divisional Round Saturday. Harbaugh is now back in the NFC Least, where he served as the special teams coordinator for the Phatterdelphia Seagles under Andy Reid before being hired by Beltimore some 18 years ago this month. The older Harbaugh will now find it harder to coach against his younger bro Jim, who wished for his big bro to go coach for an NFC team and got his wish(although due to the very complex nature of the NFL schedule, they could face off again as soon as 2027 and might have another matchup against each other if Roger Goodell adds an 18th game to the schedule in a near-future year). John the G.I-Ant inherits a team with a lot of potential to compete, as they could have finished with a better record if not for five(!) road game chokejobs. Jaxson Dart’s reckless running will have to be reckoned with a better offensive playcalling system via a new coordinator and the defense for Big Blue needs a better coordinator for them to be properly coached. A potential worst-to-first could happen in the NFC Least in 2026, even though the Army Ants haven’t won the division since 2011 and have not won a Divisional Round game since then either. Funny thing, the year after the Fe Fie Foh Fumers made their most recent appearance in the STUPID Bowl, the matchup the very next season was the HarBowl between John’s RuffHens and Jim’s FortingMiners. Pretty nice for that to be a fact of your new head coach competing in a division with a inconsistent Seagles team that has a deep playoff run every other year and a shortened one every other year, a Dellas CrudBoys team whose fan base believes every year is “their year” and a WokeShington CommandSkins team that can’t decide whether they want to be contenders or pretenders with a generational QB in Jayden Daniels. So, the NFC Least could be very competitive next season. Let’s just hope that the Army Ants can be led to a record with no double-digit losses, as that was the floor for John in Beltimore. The ceiling was the roof, but let’s also keep in mind that both Harbaugh and his new team share one thing in common. That thing is a lot of double-digit choke jobs, and for Harbaugh that was something that occurred a lot over the last five years and led to his downfall in the AFC Norteh(at least him and Mike “MoFo” Tomlin went out together). Let’s hope that bad luck doesn’t rear its ugly head for the next few years in North Jersey, although it very well could. Welcome to the Big Apple metro area, John William Harbaugh!

4. Atlanta ChokingBirds(Reg Season Record: 8-9)

For the second straight week, this birdie team of the southeast is back in the bottom fourth spot, but the reason for that is they hired their newest head coach(that was fast!). Arthur Blank opted to hire a coach before a general manager and picked… Kevin Stefanski, who led the Cleveland ClownShow for six seasons. That six-year stretch featured two playoff appearances, two NFL Coach of the Year awards in both of those playoff seasons and a lot of QB inconsistency(from Baker Mayfield to DeShaun Watson to Joe Flacco to Jameis Winston, then back to Flacco and then letting SHEdeur Sanders take the reins for the rest of this past season). In Atlanta, Stefanski will get to coach a team with plenty of great offensive assets and the only problem they have at offense is with the O-Line and needing a consistent answer at QB. Oddly enough, Matt Ryan made the hire as the new president of football operations and being the most beloved player in franchise history(it would be Michael Vick if not for his dogfighting ring scandal), Ryan will look to solve a position that’s been an issue since he last played a snap in a red-and-black jersey. On divisional Saturday when the news broke that Stefanski was hired, Ryan’s vacant spot on The NFL Today show was taken up by Kirk Cousins, who might be a good studio analyst once he retires from playing football. Kirko was sitting and standing in between Nate Burleson and Kyle Long, so that was interesting. Whether he stays in the ATL or is traded elsewhere is unknown. Obviously Magic Mike Penix will have a prove-it year coming up and whether he is the guy at QB in Stefanski’s eyes is to be determined. At least the defense for the ChokingBirds is greatly improved and the guy behind that shift in Jeff Ulbrich will be staying as the DC under Stefanski’s staff. That’s good news. What isn’t is that Atlanta has the second-longest active playoff drought in the NFL and the last time they played in the Divisional Round was eight years ago when they lost barely to the underdog-mask-wearing Phatterdelphia Seagles, who went all the way to win the Minnesota Phake Bowl(my nickname for SB52). Ever since then, there have been no playoff appearances and Mercedes-Benz Stadium, aka the Birds Nest, has never hosted a home playoff game for its main tenant(a lot of Peach Bowls and two CFP title games along with annual SEC championship games, featuring two stalwart programs surrounding the ATL on both the west and east sides). So, Stefanski and Ryan along with whoever the general manager is better turn things around fast. At least they compete in the division known as 💩 Mountain and an 8-9 record was good enough to win the NFC Sourth this season. They just need to get over that hump and pray that none of their rivals surpasses it with them.

5. Always Fumbling Constantly: Turnover Palooza Takes Over Both AFC Divisional Games As The BufferLowTon TextBillies Commit A Load Of Errors And Are Denied AFC Champ Game Appearances(0-a load of butterfingered players and fans)

So, the Coveted Fifth Spot for the Divisional Round featured two AFC teams that had issues with holding onto the football in their games along with their respective opponents. But the team who usually wins the turnover battle wins the game and in this case, the teams who committed more turnovers appropriately lost. One of the games occurred in a high-altitude environment, the other in a wintry mix between rain, sleet and snow. One of the games featured a QB looking to get over a playoff hump that has defined him for the entirety of his career, while the other game featured a team that was looking to get over a hump that has hindered them for their entire franchise’s lifetime. Both teams faced off against each other in the regular season and could have faced off in a rematch in the AFC title game, but instead they both got sent home packing in tough fashions. Let’s analyze these two teams whose long SB droughts continue, especially for a city who has never had a team make it all the way to the Big Game.

The number five is fitting because both these teams committed that number of turnovers in their games. The BufferLow HillBillies had three fumbles and Josh Allen threw two “interceptions” against the Denver Donkeys(it was nearly six turnovers if not for an offsides penalty on Denver that led to a touchdown for BufferLow). Scoring 16 points off four of those turnovers, Denver won the game after a controversial interception ruling in overtime where Brandin Cooks couldn’t hold onto the ball and with it never hitting the turf, JaQuan McMillan picked it off. Bo Nix, after a solid four quarters of play(other than an odd interception thrown), benefitted from a couple of fouls called by the refs on the HillBillies, who were flagged for two pass interference fouls that got the Donkeys offense into the red zone. Will Lutz made the game-winning kick and Allen once again choked in the divisional round. Following this loss in a playoff round that didn’t feature most of the QBs that have been hurdles for BufferLow, Sean McDermott was fired after nine seasons that featured eight playoff appearances, five division titles and no SB appearances. Brandon Beane, the GM, was meanwhile promoted to president of football operations for the HillBillies, who will be moving into a new stadium following the demolition of Rich/Ralph Wilson/Highmark Stadium. Hopefully there will be brighter days ahead for BufferLow and Allen, who was jinxed by a social media post showing his wife Hailee Steinfeld wearing Denver Donkeys apparel in a game from ten years ago when she was a teenage sensation and Josh was a student-athlete at the University of Wyoming during that time. At least the Donkeys are probably not going to the SB in Santa Clara either because Nix suffered a fractured ankle after one of those bad PI calls. A designed run for negative yardage and the Mad Hatter Sean Payton immediately endorsed Jarrett Stidham as the starting QB. We’ll see how that goes, but it’s another heartbreaking loss for the team whose fan base has the name Mafia in its nickname. From 13 seconds to wide right modern version to no virtual measurements aiding them in a controversial AFC title game last year, it was clear that a change needed to be made. Hopefully the next head coach for the HillBillies can deliver them from their sucking ways in January someday.

Meanwhile, the Houston Texthens were looking for their first appearance in the AFC title game following a win last week against the RodgersBurgh Stellers in the Wild Card Round as they took on the New VrabelLand PottyHats in snowy/sleety conditions. The Texthens almost had a touchdown early on, but it was negated due to an illegal shift foul. Settling for a field goal, Houston had its first turnover of the game on a C.J Stroud interception, but that was followed by a Drake Maye fumble recovered by Azeez Al-Shaair. The Texthens scored a touchdown off that fumble and had a 10-7 lead. But on its next offensive drive, Stroud threw a wild pass that was picked off by Marcus Jones, who ran back with the ball for a pick-6. Following that blunder, things really snowballed as Stroud threw two more interceptions to have four of them in the first half and the PottyHats scored another offensive touchdown on a Maye pass to Stefon Diggs. Only being able to settle for field goals in spite of the three turnovers forced by its defense, Houston fell apart and lost 28-16. Their QB had turned into C.J McStroudthy, as they failed to make it to the AFC Championship Game in continuing their long drought of no appearances since they were founded. The HillBillies had three fumbles in their game, including a stupid backwards lateral by Allen at the end of the first half that was recovered by Denver with two seconds left and a field goal by Will Lutz occurred after that. Only one fumble for Houston, but it was a costly one in the red zone. It just comes to show that hanging onto the ball really does matter, including in the playoffs. The turnover battle does determine winners and losers, with horrid results for the losers.

• Waiting List: Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(hiring Robert Saleh and stealing my/Tom Brady’s thunder), New Yuck GlennJUTS(realizing that their most recent playoff win was 15 years ago in the Divisional Round), Cleveland ClownShow(seeing Kevin Stefanski get hired by Atlanta after firing him), Miami Delphins(hiring Jeff Hafley instead of waiting longer for Don Shula’s grandson, who could now be hired by somebody else), Failing To Score A Touchdown Again Versus Your Divisional Opponent Who Destroyed You And Your Injury-Plagued Roster, Going For It Too Much On Fourth Down And Failing To Defeat A Fair-Weather Team On Your Snowy Home Field, The End of the Line For Joe Buck & Troy Aikman In The 2025-26 Season, Continuous Ads For The Fake Bowl Games Occurring In Two Weeks Time, Only Three Significant Football Games Left Until The UFL Takes Over In The Spring