Inspirational Thought of the Week

Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, holds a lotta rain

Love hurts
Ooh-ooh, love hurts

“Love Hurts” by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where love never really hurts unless it’s tough love, we have been viewing the endless lexicon of head coaching news in terms of teams who have fired their HCs and potential openings for each of the fired HCs to pursue. But we have also kept an eye on the playoff action that occurred during no-longer STUPID Wild Card Weekend. Apparently, the big wigs at NFL decided to remove the “Super” from Wild Card Weekend and keep the first round of playoff competition at its lower level below that of Divisional Weekend, the Conference Championship games and of course the STUPID Bowl, now featuring a melding of the Fake Bowl Games occurring on the Tuesday of the week leading up to the Big Game. In this case, there were six teams who moved onto the next round and six teams that were eliminated. Some of them in epic but heartbreaking fashion, others in a whimpering pounding. Two of those teams will make it into the Coveted Fifth Spot for this week, now completely devoted to covering teams who suffer heartwrenching defeats in the playoffs. Hey, it’s better to have made it into the tournament than to settle for a mediocre record that wasn’t good enough to crack the mold. Or is it? I’m not sure. Heartbreak has many forms and some people simply can’t handle the stress that comes with regular season success, which don’t get you too far in the playoffs usually. As Joan Jett says, love hurts. Hey, those are the names of two QBs who went completely incognito in the second half of their teams’ Wild Card games. Perhaps I should change or switch out one of the teams that I had in the list. But since we’re focusing on two teams who lost on their HOME fields during WCW, we’ll just stick to Joan’s heritage state below.

Meanwhile, you have eight(now nine) open head coaching slots(two of them that were already vacant to begin with and six of them added on due to the terror of Black Monday/Tuesday) and most of the teams in search of a new field general are focused on some guy named John who got canned following a failed attempt to win a mediocre division with the team he had been coaching for nearly two decades worth of time. Four of those teams shall be discussed below, including a pair of teams that didn’t finish with awful records but they still went ahead and cleared house with their head coach/GM. Who said a reset would ever hurt? Well… it’s usually a good mixture of hit and miss, so it might come back to haunt those teams in the end. Sometimes being slow to anger and having sound judgement will save you a lot of trouble. Apparently the old owners of two teams that haven’t tasted championship success in more than 50 years or ever at all didn’t get that memo. Let’s bounce into this wild and whacky Wild Card Weekend list.

With apologies to Xavier Restrepo, Justin Shorter, Tahj Washington, Divine Deablo, Tariq Castro-Fields and Ben Skowronek, here are the post-Wild Card Weekend Floundering Five Rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

Starting first with this sunk ship of a franchise, who had to see Mike Vrabel win a playoff game over the weekend with the PottyHats, the Titanic Buffoons are trying to find their next head coach. Following one and a half failed seasons with Brian Callahan and having Mike McCoy as the interim head coach, the Buffoons front office is searching for its eighth head coach since moving to Tennessee(not counting their time as the OilBoys, also is this a bad time to mention that the Texthens got their first road playoff win in franchise history?). Candidates such as Matt Nagy(aka Numbskull) and Raheem Morris along with Mike McDaniel have emerged. They would also want to interview John Harbaugh, who beat them in a Wild Card game five years ago with the RuffHens, but it’s probably not likely when all the other teams with head coaching slots not named Beltimore are vying for his services. General manager Mike Borgonzi will have a heck of a task ahead of him, as the new head coach that he will hire can hopefully lead this team to not be the worst football team in their state behind the Memphis Tigers, Tennessee Volunteers, and Vanderbilt Commodores, who have all gotten great over the past few years. Meanwhile, the Buffoons have sunk down and remain at the bottom of the NFL food chain, like the Titanic lays at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. That doesn’t bode well for this team that was just one win away from a SB appearance six years ago. Life really does come at you fast.

2. BradyDoors of the Lost VegAss Ark(Reg Season Record: 3-14)

Now onto the eyepatched team, which is in line with a lot of other clubs in hiring a new head coach. This next head coach hired by the Doors will definitely be way younger than Punk Carroll was last year and him being fired after one season of inept leadership in spite of having a three-year contract is not surprising considering the massive revolving door that this team has gone through since trading Jon Gruden to Tampa Bay way back when. Something like that might not be repeated, unless a team trades their current head coach for the number one pick to VegAss. But Mark Davis would be a fool to pass up a chance to draft a franchise QB. However, the last time that happened at the top of the draft, things didn’t work out with some guy named JaMarcus in JokeLand. Perhaps Fernando Mendoza will be different, assuming that’s who they draft. Thankfully, Tom Brady only saw one potential head coaching candidate during his broadcasted game this week and ironically it’s the Cheerleader known as Robert Saleh, who didn’t do well in his previous head coaching gig but everyone deserves a second chance, right? Hopefully the Silver and BlackJack don’t screw up this head coaching hire and that they can win their first playoff game since the 2002 AFC Championship Game. Man, that’s so long ago that my mom was still pregnant with my sister at the time. Maybe that was a cursing moment for the Doors, or maybe some play called the Tuck(or F***) Rule play in a Divisional Round game still haunts them. Probably the latter. And only two playoff appearances in the last 20, 15 and 10 years respectively is kind of rough. Although dumbing it down on the time scale kind of makes some of their fans feel better. Gambling does that as well.

3. Miami Delphins(Reg Season Record: 7-10)

So, back in the top/bottom four of this list for the first time since around Halloween-time, the Delphins did something that they weren’t willing to do during the season but they ended up getting it over with after the year was over in firing Mike “Squints” McDaniel after four seasons of mostly mediocre records. Only qualifying for the playoffs twice as a Wuss Card and losing to the BufferLow HillBillies and Kansas City Chefs(in very frigid temperatures), the Phins missed the playoffs with under .500 records these past two seasons and in spite of a strong 5-3 finish to the season, the Fake Minority’s contract had expired and he was canned. But he will definitely land a job somewhere, whether it’s as a coordinator or head coach of a team that finished with a worse record than the DolphLundgrens. General manager Chris Grier was canned in November and his replacement has already been hired. Enter the Jon-Eric Sullivan experience, straight from the Grinch Bay Fatkers down to South Beach. Now that the GM search has been concluded, the Phins are officially in the John Harbaugh sweepstakes but they might need to figure out their QB situation because Tua Tagovailoa said following his unceremonious benching after being eliminated from playoff contention that he thought getting a fresh start “would be dope”. So, is a trade in order? Or will he have that fresh start with a new offensive coordinator and great head coach in MyAmMe? We don’t know at this point. But what we do know is that Hard Rock Stadium is going to be hosting the CFP National Championship game on MLK Day and that matchup will feature the local college team in the Yew taking on the Indiana Hoosiers, who have a Miami native in Fernando Mendoza at QB. So, as a lot of Canes fans fill up the seats at the stadium that has gone by a lot of names in its 40-year lifetime, the Phins have to wonder “If only…” they had the same luck in playing for a championship on their home field. In spite of the luck they had under Don Shula way back when and all the Super Bowls(before they became STUPID due to brainrot ads and halftime shows) that South Beach has hosted, the Dragos have never played for a championship at their home venue ever. Meanwhile the Canes are looking to win a third title that has occurred on their fertile tropical home soil that is rather close to the Equator. At least Miami will have a champion either through its college football program or a hometown hero. Not every area can say that. A win-win either way. Meanwhile, it’s been 40-plus years since the Phins have made it to a SB. If the theory holds that only a Shula can coach the Flipper team to a SB, then they should hire Don’s grandson Chris Shula, who is the current defensive coordinator of the Lost Mangeles Lambs. But Stephen Ross probably won’t do that, since the last time he had a defensive-minded head coach, it didn’t end so well for the coach in question. Brian Flores, cough cough.

4. Atlanta ChokingBirds(Reg Season Record: 8-9)

In this head coaching/GM fired list are the ChokingBirds, who decided to fire both Raheem Morris and Terry Fontenot on the night after their season concluded with them deciding who the winner of 💩 Mountain would be. In spite of a strong finish, Arthur Blank is sick of having the same records from coaches year in and year out(Arthur Smith finished 7-10 in all of his three seasons, while Morris went back-to-back years at 8-9). So, now a new GM and head coach must be hired by the ChokingBirds, who have not had a consistent hold at both positions since Thomas Dimitroff and Dan Quinn held each of those positions. Now holding the longest active playoff drought in the NFC to themselves after the Carolina Black KittyKATs got in due to common opponent tiebreakers, Atlanta was the first team to have the opportunity to interview John Harbaugh for its head-coaching position. Again, we have to look at the inherent flaws in each of the teams courting Harbaugh to be their next HC. For the ChokingBirds, they have an improved defense with young star pass rushers while also having world-class offensive assets in Bijan Robinson, Drake London and Kyle Pitts. But the real problem is the QB position. Magic Mike Penix can’t stay healthy with debilitating leg injuries(three of them across his collegiate and professional careers so far) and KirkoChainz Cousins is probably on his way out since he didn’t sign up to be the backup QB to a young but fragile passer. So, who’s gonna be the QB in Week 1 next year for the ChokingBirds? We don’t know. Speaking of blast to the past, there was a major 21-3 chokejob by the Grinch Bay Fatkers against the Chicago Bores on Saturday night. That fact was made more funny due to Matt LaFleur being an offensive assistant for Atlanta in its SB51 team that had a colossal chokejob of 28-3. Kyle Shanahan was the offensive coordinator of that team and he was in the booth to witness that collapse shown again in the “80 For Brady” film released a few years ago. Shanahan has at least gotten to two SBs on his own, while LaFleur has come up short of the George Halas Trophy every single season in Grinch Bay. Unreal that it’s been nine years since Tom Brady’s masterpiece of a comeback and the most memed scoreboard of all time has been around ever since. Yikes. It must be a living shame to be a fan of that team. At least their stadium is nice and will host its second SB in a couple of years. What a consolation prize that is.

5. PencilVeinya PAin: Steegles Both Get Beaten On Home Fields In Lackluster Performances, Featuring The Ends For Kevin Patullo, Mike “MoFo” Tomlin And Maybe Aaron Rodgers In The Keystone State(0-a load of trashed pierogis and cheesesteaks)

So, for this Wild Card Weekend edition of the Coveted Fifth Spot, we could have gone in any specific direction across the spectrum. We almost had chances to roast the Lost Mangeles Lambs and BufferLow HillBillies for losing games on the road against feline teams(games which they each won by three points). There was also an epic chokejob by a green and gold team in the Windy City that deserves ridicule as well(but the Fatkers were the 7 seed for like the third straight year). Instead, we will be gearing our focus on the two teams who call the Keystone State of PencilVeinya home. For the first year since 2017, both of these teams were hosting home playoff games in the same playoff round in the same year. The Phatterdelphia Seagles were playing on WCW for the third straight season and the fourth time in the last five years with Jalen HurtsHisTeam and Nick SIRianni as the QB and head coach. Hosting a battered and bruised Sand Fransicko FortingMiners team that happened to have one more win than they did should have been a boon. Meanwhile, you had the RodgersBurgh Stellers playing their first real home playoff game in roughly eight years(an empty home game five years ago against the Cleveland Clowns doesn’t count) as they hosted the Houston Texthens, who had never won a road playoff game in the very short time that they have been around. But as noted below, both of these PA teams came up short of their aspirations in heartbreaking fashions. Let’s jump into this dirty sloppy mess.

On Wild Card Sunday, the final NFC matchup for the weekend was played between the Miners and Seagles. Without their top-two pass rushers and Ricky Pearsall, Sand Fransicko was banged up heading into this game that they were playing in because they failed to secure the top seed in the NFC in having a clean path to SB 60, occurring at their home venue of the Big Bellbottom. The Seagles were playing their fourth home playoff game over the last two postseasons, with an undefeated home record in the playoffs under Sir Sirianni and with Hurts at QB. However, they had an 11-6 record with three of the losses having happened at the Linc. The pressure was on for an offense without Lane Johnson available at right tackle to get the job done, especially considering that a lot of them were benched in a kind-of-significant Weak 18 game that Phatty lost against the WokeShington CommandSkins. The game started with Brock Purdy, hungry for playoff redemption at the stadium where he suffered a devastating UCL injury that doomed the Miners, leading a TD drive downfield. But Hurts responded with a strong drive that ended with a Dallas Goedert TD run. However, the PAT by Jake Smelliot was clanked off the left upright, putting the Seagles down 7-6. A drive that ended in a failed fourth down conversion for Phatty was followed with a long 16-play drive that went for 94 yards and featured one Tush Push on fourth down that ended with a Hurts TD pass to Goedert to give the Seagles the lead. However, Sand Fransicko scored a field goal on a drive that featured George Kittie suffering a torn ACL. The next three offensive drives for Phatty were punts, but an interception by Quinyon Mitchell on Purdy held the (Under)Miners down. Before the end of quarter three, the Seagles got a field goal by Smelliot that put them up 16-10. But to start out the fourth quarter, Sand Fran ran a very good trick play that featured Jauan Jennings throwing a daring TD pass to Christian McCaffrey. The extra point was made and the Miners had the lead back. The next drive for Phatty was a three-and-out, but Purdy got picked off again by Mitchell and the Seagles would score a field goal off that turnover. However, Sand Fransicko had a golden drive led by Purdy that ended with a TD pass to McCaffrey by “Fabelman” that had the Miners up by more than three points. Phatty needed a TD and they would get into position to score it with a minute and a half of time left. But a couple of bad plays by Hurts forced the Seagles into a fourth down and following a timeout taken by Sirianni, the pass by Hurts to Goedert was broken up by Eric Kendricks, who got himself some redemption in the City of Brotherly Shove. The FortingMiners had won and Phatty was eliminated. The game also featured a heated exchange from A.J Brown with Sirianni that had to be distanced off by the notorious security guard of the team known as Big Dom. And this just in, Kevin Patullo has been fired as the offensive coordinator of this team. He failed to replicate a good offensive scheme led by Kellen Moore and others in past successful seasons and just like that a new offensive coordinator will be hired for the fourth time in the last four offseasons for the Seagles, who were eliminated in the Wuss Card round for the third time in five years. Tough luck, but not as bad as the other PA team that must be discussed below.

The next night, the RodgersBurgh Stellers played a home playoff game some eight years in the making and they hosted the Houston Texthens, who had gone 0-6 in road playoff games in their franchise’s history. But with a strong defense and solid offense with a 12-win record and nine straight wins heading into the postseason, Houston was looking pretty good. The Stellers were only in this position due to them getting lucky in winning the AFC Norteh championship game over the Beltimore RuffHens and having their field be blessed by a local pastor, who sprinkled “holy water” over the turf at AcreSure Stadium. Now in the first playoff game for Aaron Rodgers since 2021 and the third straight season playing on Wild Card Weekend, the Stellers were looking for their first playoff win since the 2016 AFC Divisional Round against the Kansas City Chefs. However, they had an inefficient offensive showing with a lack of run offense and old man Aaron could barely throw the ball straight downfield. In spite of C.J Stroud fumbling the ball uncontrollably and throwing a foolish red zone interception at the beginning of the second half, the Texthens still held the lead for the majority of the game following a long 14-play TD drive at the beginning of the second quarter. Only two field goals by Chris Boswell were the scores for the Stellers, who couldn’t score a touchdown in the red zone in either of those drives. After a scoreless third quarter, in the fourth quarter Rodgers got sacked and lost the ball, which was recovered by Sheldon Rankins, who ran the ball back for 43 yards and a touchdown. The Texthens got a second offensive TD and then for his potential final pass of his long career, Rodgers threw a ball that was picked off by Calen Bullock, who ran it back for 50 yards for a pick-6. With a 30-6 defeat, the Stellers suffered their seventh consecutive playoff loss. Seven. And I might add, to seven different opponents. From the dynasty-destined New Angland PottyHats with Brady and Belichick. The undercat Jack In The Cracked Jags in their Sacksonville era. The Baker Mayfield-led Cleveland Clowns. The Chefs in Ben Roethlisberger’s final game. The BufferLow HilBillies in a snowstorm-delayed game that was played on a Monday afternoon. Then they were beaten in Beltimore by Lamar Jackson and that was the end of Rumpelstiltskin’s time as a Steller. And now the end for both Mike Tomlin and maybe Rodgers, who was teasing that this season could potentially be his last rodeo. Well, if it’s the end for Discount Double Cheek, he went out the same way that Tom Brady did. On Monday night football at the end of Wild Card Weekend against a team from the Lone Star State. Mike “Muthaeffering” Tomlin had his own version of Black Tuesday, as he announced the day after his seventh straight postseason defeat(which ties Marvin Lewis in Cincinnata for the all-time record among losing streaks by coaches in the playoffs) that he would not be returning to coach a 20th season in SchittsBurgh. For only the third time since 1992, the Stellers ownership will be looking for a new head coach. Pretty unlikely that Tomlin’s streak of having every single season at a .500 record or better will never be repeated. 19 consecutive seasons without a losing record. That will never happen, ever again. So, it’s now nine open coaching positions in the NFL. That’s pretty wild. The most in a lot of years. A complete reshuffle of power in the AFC Norteh, as Zac Taylor is the only head coach still in his post in that black and blue division. Overall, it was a pretty rough Wild Card weekend in PA, where GroundDog Day will occur and no Steegle team will be in contention for the Lombardi Trophy for the 12th time in the past 15 seasons. I guess six more weeks of winter will have to do, or in this case, six-plus months without “real” football action within the borders of the Keystone State. Womp womp!

• Waiting List: Arizona YellowBeaks, New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants, Cleveland ClownShow, New Yuck GlennJUTS, Other Teams Watching On The Couch, Losing In A Shootout To A Team With Four More Regular Season Wins Than You, Choking A 21-3 Lead And Giving Up 25 Points To Your Long-Time Rival, Having A Missed Kick And Interception Conclude Your Season On A Sour Note, Only Scoring 3 Points And Seeing Your QB Get Beat Up In Another Playoff Loss To A Familiar Foe, The Usefulness(or Uselessness) of Bye Weeks, Promotional Ads For The Fake Bowl Games Occurring On A Tuesday During SB Week, Lackluster Commentary From Al Michaels And Tony Romo Souring The Eardrums Of Football Fans Worldwide