Inspirational Thought of the Week

Oh my, where did the weekend go?
Oh man, Monday snuck up so fast
No one keeps me in the loop when I kick back
Guess it’s up to me to stay in the loop

Oh, stayin’ in the loop, stayin’ in the loop
Stayin’ in the loop, stayin’ in the loop, yeah
Stayin’ in the loop, stayin’ in the loop
Stayin’ in the loop, yeah, uh
Gotta stay up in the loop, stayin’ in the loop
Stayin’ in the loop, stayin’ in the loop, yeah
Stayin’ in the loop, stayin’ in the loop
Stayin’ in the loop, yeah

“The Loop”, by Toro y Moi

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where being kept in the loop rarely happens, we have been pondering the concept of the end of the regular season in the NFL. After a long 18 weeks that have looped around from the second weekend of September to the first weekend of January, we have 14 teams who are going to the playoffs and 18 who are not. Out of those 18 teams, some of them finished strong and with mediocre records not good enough for the playoffs(for a couple of them, good enough to potentially win the crappiest division in all of the game). But then we have the really bad teams who were eliminated from playoff contention way back in November and progressively into December. What to make of those teams who either fired their head coach in-season or on “Black Monday”? Well, they are worthy of the Floundering Five and being in the running for the Golden Undies Award, which will come at the end of the league year following SB60. Until then, there will be plenty of room to make note of all the teams who are looking for their next head coach and those who do hire them or waiting in the wings since their HC pick is still coaching as an offensive or defensive coordinator in the playoffs(!) for their current team. How interesting indeed.

These rankings will also make note of how bad four of these horrid teams have played throughout the season and in their season finale games. Ironically, the same four teams from Weak 17 are back in, but in a different order. So, stay tuned for that. Also, for the Coveted Fifth Spot, we have one of the losers in the “division championship” games in there due to another devastating double-digit point choke job. But there was a heartbreaking ending that could have gone the other way and had that team as a division winner hosting a playoff game next week on a Monday night to conclude STUPID Wild Card Weekend. Instead, they lost and finished their season in second place and out of the playoff field for the first time in four years. How tough indeed. At least they had control of their fate, unlike two teams in the cruddiest division in all of football. So, let’s plunge into these regular season finale rankings and acknowledge the fact that this is only the fifth Week 18 ever and that Week 18 might not even last as long as Week 17 did in terms of having its reign of being the final week of the regular season due to the greed of the league for dolla bills. Money talks, but it can’t dance and it can’t walk. Thanks a lot for those lyrics, Neil Diamond and Lightning & Thunder.

With apologies to Chris Harris, Jeffrey Simmons, Rivaldo Fairweather, McClendon Curtis, and Tyler Loop, here are the Regular Season Finale Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. New Yuck GlennJUTS(3-14)

So, the GlennJUTS have finally completed their long descent back down to the top bottom spot following a five-game losing streak to close out the season. A blowout loss to the BufferLow HillBillies in the final regular season game(and likely final game ever) at Rich/Ralph Wilson/Highmark Stadium by a final score of 35-8. Josh Allen only came in for one snap for the retro red helmet wearing HillBillies and Mitchell(or Mista) Trubisky came in to play at QB for the rest of the game. The Gangrene defense nearly picked off Trubisky a couple of times, but they failed to do so and accomplished something never achieved in NFL history. That thing is not getting an interception throughout the entirety of an NFL season. And this was a 17-game season, so there’s really no excuse. A tough fall from grace for Aaron Glenn, who is locked in as head coach of a last place team that has missed the playoffs in 15 straight seasons. With no wins in division games in the AFC Least and finishing in last place for the first time in the division since 2022, this franchise has crash landed again. Only with close wins over three teams(two of them from OH-IO and the other on a game-winning kick against the Atlanta ChokingBirds), the GlennJUTS are going to have the number two overall pick in the 2026 NFL draft. Ahead of everybody but a team with Silver and Black colors who will be in line to draft some guy named Fernando, New Yuck’s AFC team will have to settle for drafting the next best prospect or take a roll at the dice in free agency again. Because Justin Fields had a flop of a season and Tyrod Taylor didn’t do much better. But with close losses against a few teams(and going winless in three games played in the Sunshine State against all the teams in that state of FloRida), the GlennJUTS are just one possession away from being a contending team. As is everyone else. And hey, I must note that I also predicted that this team would be the exact record that they are now at 3-14 after moving on from Aaron Rodgers. Talk about being a correct predictor I am. Then again, it’s easy for any fan with half a brain to predict that the Gangrene team will suck, year in and year out. It’s almost the same guarantee that there will be six more weeks of winter from Punxsutawney Phil on GroundHog Day. Ouch. That must hurt for the suckers who continue to support this joke of an NFL franchise. At least their stadium will host a few good World Cup games, including the grand finale. Preseason games will be a hard thing to follow up from that grand event at the Messy Jersey Dump, which is a great venue for hosting succer but not American football.

2. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(3-14)

Coming in at number two in these final rankings is a team that finished with the same record as they had last season in the Titanic Buffoons, who suffered a tough season-ending defeat against the Jack In The Cracked Jags. The Buffoons got an early score by Cam Ward, who banged up his shoulder when diving into the end zone. Ward was taken out and backup Brandon Allen played for the rest of the game. The offense and defense for Tennessee was pretty bad the rest of the way, as Trevor “Dude Where’s My Car?” Lawrence led six scoring drives and the Jags defense got a pick-6 off Allen to push the lead to 21-7. In the end, JITC scored 41 unanswered points to win by a massive blowout margin against the Buffoons, who were outscored by a grand total of 130 points in division games alone. Their only close game in the AFC Sourth was against the Houston Texthens in Weak 11 at crumbling Nissan Stadium, which apparently hosted the NCAA FCS Championship game between Illinois State and Montana State. Eventually, the new stadium will be completed as the old stadium built for the then-expansion OilBoys hosted its most recent playoff game in the 2021 Divisional Round that was a loss to the Cincinnata Burrows. That will probably be the last playoff game the current stadium hosts, with the most famous one being the Music City Miracle on Jan 8, 2000 against BufferLow. 26 years ago, that happened to fuel Tennessee to its only SB appearance in franchise history. That’s what it will take for the next head coach hired by Amy Adams Strunk to turn around this franchise. At least they have the QB to build around. Now the front office will have to execute big time in this titanic rebuild in NashBille. One of their only three wins this season came on the road in a surprising comeback that served as their only win until a couple of them in December, and that win was against the…

3. Arizona WhiteyBirds(3-14)

So, this desert pigeon flock had the worst stretch of any team this NFL season conclude with a loss against the Lost Mangeles Lambs, whom weren’t looking their best for the first few quarters and that allowed Arizona to keep it close. Heck, they even had a 20-16 lead over LM with a few minutes left in the third quarter. But the Lambs scored 21 unanswered points against the WhiteyBirds, who were robbed of a potential scoring chance following an odd blindside block foul that negated a deep bomb pass by Jacoby Brissett to Michael Wilson. The Lambs secured the top Wild Card spot in the NFC and Arizona finished with zero divisional wins in 2025. They weren’t outscored as much as Tennessee was in divisional games, but the YellowBeaks closed out their season on a nine-game losing streak, with three of those losses being one-possession defeats. For his efforts in leading Arizona for the last three seasons following losing a SB as the defensive coordinator of the Phatterdelphia Seagles at the Big Toaster Stadium, Jonathan “Fire The Air Raid” Gannon was canned from his position. More than likely, the WhiteyBirds are probably going to hire an offensive-minded head coach, and oddly enough their most recent head coach that was an offensive guru in Kliff Kingsbury was just fired from his position as offensive coordinator of the WokeShington CommandSkins. So, a reunion in Arizona is always possible but probably not likely since Kyler Murray might get traded following only five games played this season. A new era in the desert will begin, but after finishing nine games behind the second and third place teams in the NFC Wusst, it will be a long flight back up to the top for the WhiteyBirds, who wear white a little too much to signify the color of bird excrement. How fitting for a franchise that hasn’t tasted real success since its days in Chicago. Talk about an 80-year period of despair. At least their stadium hosts the Fiesta Bowl occurring on ThorsDay night between Ole Piss and the Yew. Who would’ve had that matchup on their bingo card in the College Football Playoff at the beginning of the season? Certainly not fans of the Crudinals, who couldn’t care less about the state of their team after a 2-0 start unfortunately devolved into hell after that same venue hosted a memorial service for a martyred political activist who had made the Phoenix metro area his family’s home. I guess blessed ground doesn’t always apply to every team. It certainly did to a team that we will discuss below in the CFS.

4. BradyDoors of the (No Longer) Punk Carroll Ark(3-14)

To conclude their rough season, the BradyDoors managed to win a game against the injury-decimated Kansas City Chefs, who are going into the offseason on an active six-game losing streak. The nine-game losing streak for the Silver and BlackJack ended in a game where no touchdowns were scored, four field goals were kicked by both sides and a safety on Shane Buechele(who?) by the Doors led to a fumbled dynamic kickoff that led to the Chefs getting a late go-ahead field goal only to be offset by a long game-winning kick made by Daniel Carlson. Got all that? If you didn’t, then that’s okay since there were more important games occurring. At least this eyepatched team finally got its first home win against KC in a long time, dating back to 2017 before Patrick MaHonEs was the main QB for the Chefs. Aidan O’Connell actually played for most of the game following Kenny PickettShovel getting hit hard, so the A’OC of VegAss got his chance to get another win in his odd three-season stint playing for the Silver and BlackJack. Following the game, Punk Carroll was unsurprisingly fired as his attempt to coach a team that had Geno Smith at QB and had clinched the number one pick for in the NFL draft the first time since 2007 was poor. A three-year deal signed didn’t last that long and just like that, Andy Reid is once again the oldest active head coach in the NFL(unless some guy named Bill Belichick The Science Guy gets poached away from his head-coaching post on Tobacco Road). John Spytek(yes that is his actual name) will lead a search for the head-coaching job that will include Tom Brady, who will need to call three playoff games on FUX Sports during that time period. Hopefully none of the candidates they are looking into will be coaching in games that Brady calls or that will bring up a potential tampering violation that I don’t think they want to deal with. But it’s the same franchise once run by Al Davis, the most anti-establishment owner in all of the league’s history, so his son Mark and TB12 will definitely continue his envelope-pushing legacy in VegAss. At least the BradyDoors of the Lost VegAss Ark are now in line to pick Fernando Mendoza at number one after he potentially leads Indiana to a very unlikely CFP title, unless it ends in heartbreak in the Peach Bowl or in his hometown area of Miami, FloRida. They wouldn’t be the first franchise to bank college success as their winning ticket. Let’s see how that plays out in a matter of a few months.

5. Poop-A-Loop Misses A Kick Wide Right And The Beltimore RuffHens’ Ascent From The Depths Of In-Season Purgatory Comes Up A Little Short(0-a lot of angry fans online sending unnecessary threats)

For the regular season finale of the CFS, we have a team that has gone under a massive decline from AFC Championship Game participants two years ago to being mediocre and on the verge of playoff elimination. The Beltimore RuffHens had a roller coaster season in 2025, from an ugly 1-5 start to a rebound that propelled them back up towards the top of the AFC Norteh. A massive Weak 14 game against the RodgersBurgh Stellers was lost by the RuffHens due to a couple of controversial officiating rulings and clutch play by the road team. Barely remaining alive for the division title following a loss to the New VrabelLand PottyHats at home and a loss by RodgersBurgh to the Cleveland ClownShow after a Beltimore road win over the Grinch Bay Fatkers at Lambeau Field, the RuffHens had one last chance to get into the playoffs if they could defeat the Stellers at AcreSure Stadium in a regular season finale game on Sunday night football. Beltimore defeated Mike Tomlin’s team last season in the Wuss Card Round at their Fake Bank Stadium for Men & Thugs, where they had an awful home field record of 3-6. They were a better road team this season and whoever won this win-or-go home game for the AFC Norteh division title would host a Monday night football game to conclude STUPID Wild Card Weekend. Whoever lost this game could potentially fire their head coach, so it would either be John Harbaugh’s Swan Song or Mike Tomlin’s bitter 9-8 ending in the Steel City.

The game started with a bold fourth down conversion attempted by the RuffHens offense and Lamarkable Jackson completed a deep long pass to DeVontez Walker that gave them an early lead with a touchdown. The game was low-scoring early on, with RodgersBurgh trying a fourth down tight end Tush Push conversion attempt with Connor Hayward trying to get pushed across the line of scrimmage by his brother Cameron Hayward. But the play came up short of the line to gain and it was a huge missed opportunity for the Stellers early on. The Beltimore offense took advantage of good field position with a field goal by Tyler Loop from 40 yards out. With a 10-0 lead, the RuffHens were in good position but this has become a point of contention for their fans. There have been a load of double-digit leads choked by Beltimore, making them a lot more like the Atlanta ChokingBirds. Heck, even in Weak 1 this year, they choked a late 15-point lead to BufferLow that warranted them a spot in the CFS on Opening Week. The Stellers responded with a score on a long 57-yard kick made by Chris Boswell. To end the first half, Aaron Rodgers led a long drive that went into RuffHens’ territory and they tried to score a touchdown, but they failed after a pass interference penalty by Kyle Hamilton coerced Arthur Smith to take a chance at scoring a touchdown with only two seconds left and Kenneth Gainwell was stuffed on that play. So, with a fortunate 10-3 lead at halftime, Beltimore was in the driver’s seat. However, RodgersBurgh got the ball to start out the second half and got back into the red zone, where the tight end tush push was tried again by the younger Heyward and this time it was successful. The score was tied at 10 apiece following the PAT by Boswell and now the RuffHens had work to do.

A major mistake was made by Jackson on a third down pass that was deflected by Alex Highsmith and left tackle Ronnie Stanley before being picked off by T.J Watt, who had just returned from surgery on a collapsed lung to get a huge pick. Inside Beltimore territory, the Stellers almost scored a TD but had to settle for a chip shot kick made by Boswell to take their first lead of the night. After both teams traded punts, the RuffHens had another massive deep pass play as Jackson found Zay Flowers behind a weakened pass defense for the home team and Flowers caught the long pass and went into the end zone for the score. Beltimore was up 17-13 following the beautiful hookup between Lamarvellous Flowers. But the RodgersBurgh offense responded as Discount Double Cheek found Pat Freiermuth for a massive gain into the red zone and Gainwell scored a touchdown this time. With around a few minutes left, it was looking likely that the last team to possess the ball could potentially win the game or we would be heading for overtime. On a third and short play, Jackson threw another deep pass to Flowers, who caught it with another blown coverage by the pass defense of the Stellers and he went all the way to the end zone to score. Lamarvellous Flowers struck again as it was a 24-20 lead with the made PAT by Loop. But there was still plenty of time for Rodgers to lead a drive for a game-winning score. On the two-minute drill drive, Rodgers completed some big passes that went into Beltimore territory and he threw a clutch third down fadeaway pass to Calvin Austin III for the go-ahead score. However, on the PAT attempt Boswell shanked it wide right of the goalposts and it was no good. So, now with under a minute left, the RuffHens looked to take advantage of RodgersBurgh scoring “too soon” and the missed extra point with a potential game-winning field goal by the rookie kicker in Loop.

Following a great kickoff return by Keaton Mitchell, the Beltimore offense looked to get into field goal range for Loop. With three timeouts left, the timing was in their control as the Stellers had used up all their second half timeouts. But a fourth down conversion occurred at midfield that determined whether Loop would get a chance to kick the RuffHens into the playoffs. Jackson dropped back to pass and completed an amazing pass to Isaiah Likely, who made the catch at the 24-yard line for a huge first down. John Harbaugh called his team’s second timeout and on the next play, Jackson went backwards for a kneeldown at the 26-yard line to have the ball placed in the middle of the field for Loop to kick from 44 yards out. Harbaugh called his team’s final timeout with two seconds left and the game-winning field goal attempt would be tried by Loop, who had a solid season in making 30 of his 33 field goal attempts. The ball was snapped and then held down by punter Jordan Stout. Loop went forward to kick the ball, which went up but sailed a little to the right past the goalpost and it was no good. The Stellers fans in attendance went wild as they had successfully survived against their fierce rivals from MaryLand. The season for Beltimore was done. All due to a huge missed kick by Tyler Loop, who got some unnecessary hate online for a kick in a cold and freezing setting at an opponent’s riverside stadium. Tough luck there.

And as of TwosDay afternoon, John Harbaugh was officially fired as head coach of the RuffHens. Following 18 seasons of solid success and two main franchise QBs that he coached, the older Harbaugh is out of a job(but probably not for long) following a five-season stretch of double-digits leads squandered and playoff failures. What happens next for this team and who will be their new head coach is unknown at this point. But one thing is for sure, having to rely on a rookie kicker to get you into the playoffs rarely ends well. In this case, it was a brutal ending for the RuffHens, who once again lost in SchittsBurgh with Lamar Jackson as the QB and lost a winner-take-all game for the AFC Norteh. They might not have gone far if they made it into the playoffs since that defense of Houston’s is relentless, so watch out Discount Double Cheek. You are in for a tough career-ending game on Monday night. But for Jackson and Beltimore, it was a tough ending to a roller coaster season following two devastating playoff losses in a row. Not how they envisioned this season going when they were deemed the favorites to win the STUPID Bowl way back when.

• Waiting List: New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(winning two games in a row to compromise your draft position), WokeShington CommandSkins(firing their OC and DC after a 5-12 season), Cleveland ClownShow(Myles Garrett finally gets the asterisked sack record but Kevin Stefanski gets the boot), KC Chefs(losing six in a row to close out a miserable SB hangover season), Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies(losing seven in a row following an 8-2 start and having no wins stateside since before Halloween), The Dramatic End To The Race For 💩 Mountain That Concluded With The Team Who Won The Game Between The Two Teams Eligible To Win The Division Seeing Their Playoff Hopes Go Up In Smoke The Very Next Day, Cincinnata Burrows(no more?), Putting Up Three Points In A Division Champ Game For The No. 1 Seed While Wearing Cruddy Jerseys, Teams Who Rested Their Starters And Didn’t Care About Their Playoff Seed Implications, The Odds Of Week 18 Remaining The Last Week Of The Regular Season In A Few Years, Fans Whose Main Source Of Income Is Now More Limited Due To Fewer Football Games On The Schedule, Waiting Four Long Months To See What Next Season’s Schedule Will Look Like