Inspirational Thought of the Week

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

“Demons” by Imagine Dragons

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where (not actual) demons have been dealt with over the years, we have been considering the power of “demon magic” and how some teams rely on it every year to elevate their record to be among the best in the NFL. Bill Parcells once said “You are what your record says you are”, but he didn’t take into account the power of one-possession victories to show whether a good team was actually that good when compared to other more legitimate playoff teams. Now in an era where we compare wins and losses in football based on how good they were due to the Selection Committee paradox funneled down our throats because of the money-making machine in the college ranks, we now have the ability to discern which teams are actually good and which ones are frauds from year to year. Last season, we had a load of teams in the playoff field that won a majority of their games by one-possession scores, which should be good since it shows resilience in those teams. But the one thing that cannot be overstated enough is that defeat is the greatest teacher of them all. If these teams don’t know what it’s like to lose once in a while, then they won’t make the necessary adjustments for when their season is on the line. Thus, a massive decline in wins occurred for those teams this season when compared to the last one due to the difficulty of their schedules. And the funny thing is none of them won the whole thing last year. So it’s too bad that all of those teams will now miss the playoffs this season.

Three of the demon-magic possessed teams from last season will be discussed in the Coveted Fifth Spot, which saw them all play on Christmas Day in different games and they all lost those games by ironically close margins(other than one team who shot themselves in the paws so much that they could barely stagger off the field). Other than that, we have the grand reveal of who tanked harder in the Tank Bowl and is currently in position for the number one overall pick in next year’s NFL draft(and a potential Golden Undies award at season’s end). Also, a couple of other teams will re-enter the FF due to the oddity of a couple of bad teams winning, thus those spots had to be taken up by someone. Let’s bounce into these final rankings of the 2025 calendar year before the new year of 2026 arrives, leading to an annual head sore of season labeling that used to not exist in the NFL(which now gets treated like the NBA and NHL in terms of using the hyphen by some folks even though the season ends in February).

With apologies to JJ Pegues, Stone Smartt, Isaiah Adams, Sanoussi Kane, Ale Kaho, and Jalen Royals, here are the post-Week 17 Floundering Five Rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark(2-14)

So, in the annual Tank Bowl for the number one overall pick(otherwise known as the Blanket Fight of the Week/Year: Golden Undies Bowl Edition), the BradyDoors hosted the New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants in a game between the top/bottom two teams from the most recent rankings. And before the game even started, we already knew which team was tanking the hardest, as the Silver and BlackJack shut down their star pass rusher Maxx Crosby for the season with a knee ailment. But apparently Mad Maxx didn’t want to have knee surgery before season’s end, so he frustratingly left the Intermountain Health Center facility that this forsaken team has in Henderson, Nevada. As for the game, the Army Ants put forward a more sincere effort to break their nine-game losing streak and secure their first(and only) road win of the season, something that they could have gotten way back in September and through different attempts throughout their schedule, but they finally got it in Viva Las Vegas. A red zone interception thrown by Geno Smith set up a touchdown drive by Big Blue, which had a 17-3 lead at halftime. They added to it and had a kickoff return TD after the Punk Carroll Ark carriers scored their only end zone score of the game. Another red zone interception followed for Geno, who leads the league in picks and continues his bad red zone play that he displayed in Seattle. Another TD was scored by the Army Ants off that pick and Kenny PickettShovel came in to close out this final BradyDoor drive of the Toilet Bowl, which was “won” by VegAss(now in position for the number one overall pick for the draft in SchittsBurgh). With a long ten-game losing streak, it seems some cleaning has to be done in the DeathStar Stadium, firstly by canning Ol’ Punk and then hiring a new head coach and then drafting a franchise QB by the name of Fernando Mendoza. Last time this eyepatched team had the number one pick, they selected JaMarcus Russell and he turned out to be a bust and cuss word among all of the costumed fans of this fan base from JokeLand to Lost Mangeles to the East Coast and overseas. So, they better not blow it this time. Their season finale might be a chance for them to lose the number one overall pick as they host a weakened double-digit loss Kansas(City) Chefs team that has lost five games in a row in having Chris Oladokun as their current starting QB. So, a chance to get a rare home win against the Chefs might rob the BradyDoors of the top pick and have someone else such as one of the teams below get it. But regardless of the result of the BFOTW: Worst of the Wusst New Years Edition, the Silver and BlackJack will likely be in a good position to draft their future franchise face that can hopefully sustain them for a decade like Derek FastCarr did. Only this time, more success will follow hopefully.

2. New Yuck GlennJUTS(3-13)

Now onto an team that suffered an abominable defeat in their home finale at JetLife Stadium against the New VrabelLand PottyHats, who decided to have a high-scoring first half with Drake “Drake Maye” Maye having the shortened game of his life with 19 of 21 passes completed with five touchdown passes on the weak defense of the GlennJUTS, who make their second FF appearance in a row after staying off the list for a remarkable nearly two-month stretch. Brady Cook once again showed that he isn’t like some guy named Tom and led one scoring drive in the first half before a late long TD run by Breeeeece Hall got them into double-digits. But a 42-10 loss to your longtime division rivals is a tough pill to swallow. They’re used to it in Jersey, where the housing costs and taxes are among some of the highest in the nation. A bad record for two football teams(with the exact same record of 3-13) is par for the course. To close out this miserable season, the GlennJUTS will play in the potential final game ever at formerly-known-as-Rich/Ralph Wilson Stadium in Orchard Park, New Yuck State as the BufferLow HillBillies suffered a sloppy home loss to the Phatterdelphia Seagles that drained any chance of them competing for a division title. As the current-seventh seeded team in the AFC(likely to be the six seed with a slight chance still for the top Wuss Card spot), the HillBillies will be playing in the final game at the fourth-oldest stadium in all of the NFL before moving into their more roofy but not enclosed new stadium in the same parking lot. Odd that they didn’t want to have a dome, something that every team who doesn’t have one seems to want. As for the digs of the Gangrene team, it was considered “new” some 15 years ago and now it seems like that stadium was built in the 1990s and not in the late 2000s. Tough luck there, but at least they share the Messy Jersey Dump venue with the Army Ants. Aaron Glenn might not get canned after one season of awful play, but he could be on the hook to help lead a rebuild with hopefully a fresh-faced QB. They might still have a chance to win the Mendoza sweepstakes if they can get below the BradyDoors and somehow stay lower than the…

3. Arizona WhiteyBirds(3-13)

Yep, this desert pigeon team has had by far the worst stretch of football played in terms of record this season, as they started out 2-0 only to have a 1-13 stretch through the next 14 games. That’s worse than Tennessee, Cleveland, both the New Yuck teams and even the BradyDoors in that stretch(VegAss is actually 1-14 since Week 2, so maybe they can say “Hold my beer” in this case). Either way, Arizona is bad and they continued looking that way against the Cincinnata Burrows, who continued playing good strong football since their elimination from playoff contention with a dominant showing from their namesake Joe Burreaux and his offensive assets. The Cincy defense even looked good on their home field for once in holding the WhiteyBirds to 14 points. But they still allowed Trey MCBRIDE(!) to set the single-season receptions record for a tight end, as he passed Zach Ertz(That Hurts!) in 2018 and doing so in 16 games played makes it less of an asterisk. But Arizona still got blown out by a final score of 37-14. They might potentially be in position to draft a QB, because Jacoby Brissett ain’t the solution and they might be looking to dump the constantly-injured Killer Kyler Murray for a new shiny toy. Very unlikely to get the number one overall pick, but they have a chance to put themselves in position to be in a lower position than VegAss, the GlennJUTS and the team below when they take on the Lost Mangeles Lambs in a Weak 18 game at SoFine Stadium where the Lambs might be sitting their starters since they might have nothing to play for when it comes to improving their current playoff seed. So, in spite of being eight games back of the Lambs, the WhiteyBirds could actually screw themselves over and actually break their active eight-game losing skid. This is why the NFL needs a draft lottery, like all the other sports leagues. Hello, Roger Goodell. Where are you?

4. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(3-13)

Making their return to the list after a few weeks of actually winning and being competitive, the Buffoons lost their final home game of the season after actually winning a game in NashBille against the eliminated KC Chefs. They put up a good fight against a fellow early season contender for the Golden Undies award in the New Orleans Aints, who have actually played well in a tight NFC Sourth division that they have a chance to finish in third place. The Aints had some good play from Tyler Shough, who led his Fleur-de-Lis squad back from down double-digits against Tennessee. Cam Ward also got strip-sacked by Chase Young, who basically snagged the ball out of his grip and ran it back for a TD. That play made a big difference early on and the Shough-led offense overwhelmed the Buffoons’ defense in the second half with 24 points scored. Meanwhile, Joey SlyeGuy provided the only points of the half for Tennessee, which finished with a 1-8 home record for the season. Ooof! To close out the season, the Buffoons will be taking on last year’s Golden Undies award winner in the Jack In The Cracked Jags, who have gone from 4-13 to 12-4 and on the verge of winning the AFC Sourth with 13 wins. However, they might only be good enough to be the three seed in a jam packed AFC playoff picture. At TrevorBank Stadium, the Titanic Buffoons might suffer their 14th loss of the season in matching their record from 2024. Thankfully, they will be in the market for a head coach after firing Brian Callahan early on and Mike “Bones” McCoy is probably not going to have the interim tag taken off. So, good luck to these Buffoons as they have a good shot to be the GU award winner. Or not, since they beat two fellow bad teams and the Chefs.

5. A Trio Of Demon-Magic Teams From Last Season Put Up Coal-Worthy Performances On Christmas Day And All Barely Lost(0-a lot of woeful fans in the stands and watching on Netflix/Prime)

Now we go into this week’s edition of the Coveted Fifth Spot, which had three teams playing on Christmas Day and losing on Xmas. Okie dokey you might say, teams lose all the time. But this wasn’t just any random assortment of teams who lost, it was a threesome of teams who were defeated in their penultimate games of this season, which has not been as fortunate as it was last season for each of them. All three of these teams were playoff teams in 2024, and they were expected to all return to the playoffs in 2025. But as is the case every year in the NFL, you always have a few teams who didn’t get to the playoffs the season before taking the spots of some of the teams that did. In this situation, all three of the Christmas losers were considered STUPID Bowl contenders this season, but none of them will be going to the playoffs this year. That was confirmed after the middle team in the trio lost in a game that they had to win and if they did, they would still be in the playoff chase for Weak 18. This is the Santa giving coal to naughty-good teams from last season edition of the Coveted Fifth Spot and all three of these teams have already undergone massive declines in their records from the previous season. Let’s get into it.

The Christmas trio began with the WokeShington CommandSkins hosting the delusional Dellas CrudBoys(who never seem to receive the one gift they want, which is a team that makes it to the conference championship game at the very least since 1995). The CommandSkins have had a tried and true season following a magical 12-win year in 2024, in which they won eight of their games by one possession. That tally goes up to nine if you include a doinked-in field goal that had them win their first playoff game in two decades. This season, the Commies have had injury woes in their offensive ranks, especially for Jayden Daniels, who had a Sophomore Sting of a season with bumps and bruises all over his body. WokeShington has gone from 12 wins(14 if you count the playoffs?) in 2024 to a measly four wins in 2025, with them also not having their backup QB Marcus Mariota available. That meant journeyman QB Josh Johnson had to make the start on Christmas Day at Northwest Stadium in Landover, MaryLand. Johnson put up a good fight, even with his team down 21-3. But in the end, the CommandSkins came up a little short against Dellas in getting swept by their division rivals from TexAss. Thankfully, they won’t be in last place in their division due to two wins over the Army Ants, but this season has been very frustrating for this team not located in our nation’s capital but close enough to it. They will have one last chance not to finish at 4-13 when they go on the road to take on the NFC Least repeat division champs(and actually defending chumps) in the Phatterdelphia Seagles, who are playing for a potential chance to be the 2 seed like they were last year. WokeShington has had a rough season, but they can always bounce back with an easier schedule next year, am I right? We’ll see.

Meanwhile, in the afternoon window in the Central Time Zone, we had a game kickoff between two teams who have been punished for their fraudulent demon magic seasons from 2024 that had them at the top of their division. But now they both find themselves at the bottom of it and competing to stay out of last place. The team trying to keep their slight playoff hopes alive were the Dumtroit Flyins, who were viciously trolled by the refs in their home finale against the RodgersBurgh Stellers when Carl Cheffers said “The ruling on the field is a touchdown, however…” with there being an offensive pass interference on fourth & goal by Amon-Ra St. Brown and time expired following a foolish lateral to Jared Goof that ran out the clock. Now, with their only shot at the playoffs being to win out and the Grinch Bay Fatkers to lose out, the Flyins went to take on the MinuteSoda IceKings, who were without J.J McCarthy and other offensive players but had a hungry defense wearing Winter Warrior jerseys in seeking a season sweep of Dumtroit following five straight losses to Gamblin Dan’s squad from Dec 11, 2022(my dad’s 58th birthday) to Jan 5, 2025(when the Flyins won the NFC Norteh with their 15th win and MinuteSoda had to be a 14-win Wuss Card team). Both these rivals were bounced out one-and-done in the playoffs last year and now had declining win totals. Only seven of Dumtroit’s 15 wins came by one possession, whereas my Vikings had a higher percentage of one-possession finishes. Still, seven one-possession wins is a lot when you’re in a tight division race with two other teams on your proverbial tail. In 2025, the chickens have come home to roost for the Flyins, who have suffered more one-possession losses to the hands of the Chefs, Grinch Bay, the Lambs, Seagles, Stellers and Vikings earlier in the season. Six one-possession losses and nearly a seventh one happened. The loss did occur for Dumtroit at the Big Bank, just by more than eight points. They committed not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but six turnovers on Christmas Day. You could say the Honolulu blue kitty cats were in the giving spirit, as Goff had four turnovers, including two interceptions and two muffed snaps. The IceKings offense barely did anything without those turnovers, as they scored 13 points off them and how many points did they win by? 13! What a coincidence. The Flyins were now out of playoff contention with their ninth loss of the season and a division record of 1-4. Getting swept by the two teams you beat out for the division last season is justice served cold. Looking to avoid finishing last in the NFC Norteh(where they currently preside with their 8-8 record being overruled with a head-to-head advantage favoring my Vikings for those two wins over them), Dumtroit will take on the division champs in the Chicago Bores, who clinched the Norteh after a loss by Grinch Bay to the Beltimore RuffHens on a Saturday night. So, if the Flyins had won on Christmas, their chances to make it into the playoffs for a third straight year would still be alive. Instead they need a win at Soldier Field and a MinuteSoda loss to a banged-up CheeseHead team to not finish in last. That’s some rough stuff there.

If you think Dumtroit’s decline is bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet. On Christmas night, the Kansas Schitty Chefs hosted a “ChiefsMas” game at ArrowHead Stadium against the Denver Donkeys, who were 12-3 entering this game. The Chefs won 15 games last season, and 11 of them in the regular season were by one possession. Not only did they win, they won in the most impossible ways. A foot on the line by an opposing player? Check. A pass interference call to get them into field goal range to win? Check. A coin flip determining possession and there being no both teams get to possess the ball in OT rule and having a game-winning TD without giving the other team a chance? Check. An absurd mind-controlled snap that had a fumble occur that was recovered to win the game in the final seconds? Check. A doinked field goal to win the game at the end? Check. And also a field goal that was blocked to win a game against Denver? Check. If the demon magic devil had a bride, it would be with the 2024 KC Chefs. But now the Kingdom has fallen with one-possession losses left and right, including in the Mile High City, BufferLow, Sao Paulo(of all places) and Dellas. And even at home, including when Patrick MaHonEs suffered a season-ending ACL tear against the Lost Mangeles Dolts. Now at 6-9, the Chefs played their final home game at GeeHaw Field, but had Chris Oladukun make his first career NFL start on Christmas night. What a coincidence! KC actually put up a good fight against the Donkeys, including with an early deflected interception that led to a touchdown. But that drive would be the only drive of the night in the end zone for the Chefs, who were flustered by the white-helmet wearing Denver defenders. Eventually, the BoLiever himself led a TD drive and following a couple of field goals by Harrison Butker, the Donkeys would get a huge touchdown inside two minutes by RJ Harvey. The Chefs had one last chance for a CHRIS-Mas Miracle, but Oladukun threw a pass that went through the hands of Hollywood Brown in the end zone on fourth down to end the game. Denver had won their 13th game of the season and would become AFC Wusst champs in officially ending KC’s nine-season reign as division winners(thank the Dolts for Chargering against the Texthens for that). But with double-digit losses and nine(technically 11) fewer wins than they had all of last season, the Chefs Kingdom has crumbled into disrepair and changes will have to be made. One of them might be the retirement of Travis Kelce from pro football, as he’s about to be married to his famous fiancée in Taylor Swift, who didn’t look too happy spending her Christmas night seeing her future hubby’s team stink like fruitcake. But this all comes to show that balance is always restored every NFL season. One season you could be at(or near) the top, the next you could be down in the dumps and each of these three teams in this note found that out this season. Only so many opportunities to be champions, right? We’ll see who’s frauds and who’s not in the wide open playoff field this season, with next week’s regular season finale of the CFS focusing on whoever loses the two win-or-go-home games in Weak 18.

• Waiting List: New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants, Cleveland ClownShow, The Team Who Lost To The Clowns And Might Have A Two-Game Suspension Of Their Star Receiver Come Back To Haunt Them Dearly, Chargering Away A Chance To Be Division Champs For The First Time Since 2009, Getting Run Over By A RB King On Your Home Field, The Crappy & Crazy Conclusion To The Race For 💩 Mountain Next Week, Not Being Able To Complete A Comeback Against The ChokingBirds, Giving Up 42 Pts The Day After You Become Division Champs, The End of the Line For Old Man Rivers, Not Winning A Must-Win Game In Your Crumbling Stadium Due To Sloppy Offensive Execution, New Year’s Celebrations Canceled Due To Fear Of Terrorist Plots(FOTP), The Hyphen Paradox In The NFL Season Labeling