Inspirational Thought of the Week

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be
Out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be
Miles away

Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Will be near to us once more

Someday soon, we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” by Ella Fitzgerald

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where a lot of Christmases are celebrated by watching the two sports that compete for people’s attention whether they are with their families or not, we have been considering the concept of “someday soon”. The way that some of these bad teams have played this year and over the past couple of seasons has some of their fans feeling depressed like normal everyday American citizens during World War II, when travel restrictions were put in place due to a fear of an enemy invasion of mainland America. Thus, artists such as Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra had to sing the original lyrics of that now-joyous Christmas carol which included those lyrics of hope for brighter days ahead. But until then, everyone had to muddle through somehow. Keep in mind, this was before airline flying became mainstream and before Eisenhower proposed the interstate highway system(thanks for that, Ike!). Obviously this carol became popular during recent years when people were told not to gather due to fear of spreading a virus with a very-low mortality rate among most people and a lot of them bought into that media-manufactured fear. But in the case of some teams, their sucky records are a reflection of their very real dysfunctional records that will land them on Santa Ballz’s Naughty List.

A quad of these teams make the main list and they have been on losing stretches for the majority of the season. The top-bottom two teams are set to face off against each other next week in a BFOTW: Ultra-Mega Golden Undies Bowl. There are two other bad teams who actually faced off against each other earlier in the season. But there is also a pair of teams who lost big in blowing chances to take the lead in their respective divisions and now might be facing a reckoning in missing the playoffs. One of the two teams in the CFS Coal Edition might actually get a playoff berth as a gift on Christmas Day, but they might have to settle for being the same low seed in the playoffs this season. So, let’s jump into this chimney of losing teams and go Ho-Oh-No for all of them. It’s the holiday edition of the Floundering Five and it will feature some Yuletide-themed nicknames for all teams mentioned, including the teams who defeated the bad ones and the upcoming opponents for each of them. Brace yourselves for some funny nicknames.

With apologies to Kevin McAllister, Dean Martin, the Cleveland Brown show family, Kobe King, Emanuel Wilson and Riley Dixon(so close to a Reindeer name), here are the pre-Christmas Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. New Yuck GiantSnowmen(2-13)

So, this naughty big blue team that is being mocked for the giant snow monsters that appeared in “Red One” and that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson beat up on a beach is now in the top bottom spot for the first time this season. A nine-game losing streak and having the longest drought in terms of days without a win was extended by the MinuteSoda IceKings, who managed to hold off the GiantSnowmen in spite of losing J.J McHurthy to a right hand fracture and using Max Brosmer(and a strong defensive performance) to barely guide them to a win. Jaxson Dart only threw the ball a baker’s dozen times and threw an interception and the Fe Fie Foh Fumers didn’t have any real offensive scores. 10 points off turnovers and another drive aided by absurd penalties called against the IceKings’ defense that ended in a field goal. The Army Ants’ streak of not winning could extend to 80+ days if they do not win their next game against the…

2. Reindeers of Santa’s Lost Sleigh(2-13)

Yep, this SilverBell and BlackJack team is the only other team with a horrid record and with nine straight losses. Their days since last win streak is three days shorter than the GiantSnowmen, but they at least nearly won a game against the Houston TreeLights on the road. It was their final chance to spoil the playoff chances of a contending team, something the Reindeer have not been much of in the past 20 years. Ironically since the Polar Express came out and Tom Hanks voiced an angry time-tight conductor. The Reindeer lost due to a league-leading interception thrown by Geno Smith(who is always in the gift-giving spirit for other teams) that was a pick-6 and spite of two touchdowns by Ashton Jeanty and another by Brock Bowers, the Reindeer barely fell short as a game-sealing pass by C.J Stroud to Nico Collins gave them a loss. Now at 2-13, the Punk Carrolling Ark carriers will have two games at their stadium off the Strip against teams who don’t look very good. One of them are the GiantSnowmen, who currently hold the number one overall pick. The Reindeer might need to lose in order to gift-wrap that pick to themselves so they can potentially draft a star QB out of college(specifically some guy named Fernando). Then, they play against the Kansas City FruitCake Chefs, who have gone from a playoff contender to a sad mediocre team in a matter of weeks. Both games are winnable for this team, but they might lose them both in order to solidify their spot as the Golden Undies award winner. But they might need to fire their old, scrawny head coach in order to clinch that. Either way, the Reindeer of the Lost Sleigh are on the naughty list this year, unlike last season when they were on the Waiting List. Tough luck indeed.

3. CleveLand Elves(3-12)

Now onto this team with a frowning elf as their middle field logo. The CleveLand Elves are now on pace to finish with the same record as they did last season as they lost a close three-point game against the BufferLow DollarBills, who had some missed opportunities that kept the orange helmet team in it for a little while. But two interceptions thrown by SHEdeur Sanders led to 10 points for the opposition and Quinshon Judkins suffered a devastating leg injury in the second quarter. One good moment was that Myles Garrett got an apparent “half sack” on Josh Allen to be only one sack away from setting the all-time single-season sack record. He will have a chance to do that against the RodgersBurgh FactoryWorkers next week in the home finale for the Elves, who have been ironically naughty this year. Close losses always sting and it seems that there are more of those suffered by bad teams this year than last year. So, the coal these teams are receiving isn’t as bitter, or is it? Worse to almost be good enough to contend in a weak division or worse to have no chance at all? I dunno. Either way, another season-ending six game losing skid is on tap for CleveLand after getting a third win in Weak 12. How odd is that repeat?

4. New Yuck GRINCH(3-12)

Now after being kept out of the FF for the past eight weeks, this GrinchGreen team from North Jersey has returned to this naughty list after suffering an embarrassing road loss against the New Orleans SaintNicks. Brady Cook started his third straight game at QB and lost his third straight game at QB. Only having two field goals in the first half for their only scores of the game, the Grinch have lost their 12th game of the season and are in danger of finishing with 14 Ls. And even worse is that they might not be in position to draft a desirable QB in the first round due to all the other bad teams. It’s a bunch of Bah Humbug in Jersey. Now would be a good opportunity to state how insane the amount of people wearing costumes of the actual Grinch at games during this “holiday season” are. It’s starting to get annoying. There might be people who dress as Santa Claus and other Christmas characters(oddly not Jesus Christ because that would be too religious) but for almost every broadcast at a football stadium from Thanksgiving to Christmas you see someone dressed as the Grinch wearing his Santa suit from the original holiday special from 1966. It’s starting to annoy me very much. Clearly there’s a Grinch fever in our country and it might signal how much of a Grinch the person wearing a Grinch costume is in real life. If only people realized the OG Grinch was Ebenezer Scrooge, but getting dressed in a top hat and an old-fashioned suit isn’t as easy as dressing as a fuzzy green monster from Whoville. Speaking of which, the final home game of the season for the GrinchGreen team will happen next week against the New VrabelLand SantaHats, who are looking to get closer to potentially clinching the AFC Least for the first time in six years. How embarrassing it would be for a blowout loss to occur for this team? Then again, this team is as miserable as the Grinch was before his heart grew a zillion sizes due to them holding the longest active playoff drought in all of North American sports. That’s a lot of years of coal for Christmas.

5. A Pair of Ba(y)d Teams Miss Out On Chances To Solidify Their Division Leads And Instead Are In Danger Of Being On The Eliminated Teams List During The Period Of The 12 Days of X-Mas(0-a load of pouting fans in the -Bay cities)

Now onto the Holiday Coal Edition of the Coveted Fifth Spot as we will analyze a pair of teams who failed to deliver themselves the best gift they could possibly receive for Christmas. That thing would be a chance to fully control their fate for the rest of the season when it comes to their chances of winning their divisions. Both of these teams have had gargantuan collapses, but one more than the other. Both of these teams have suffered bumps and bruises when it comes to injured players, and both of them have a two-worded name for their city. One of them is in a Frozen Tundra that is much closer to the North Pole than most other teams. The other is in a paradise with much warmer temperatures than pretty much every other area in the country. But both of them have been pretty ba(y)d of lately. And potentially bad enough to miss the playoffs altogether or at the least make the playoffs only to be eliminated in the Wuss Card Round. It is the Bay teams of the NFC, and I’m not talking Sand Fransicko(the FaithfulMiners actually clinched a playoff berth this week). I’m talking about the Grinch Bay GiftPackers and Tampa Bay CakerNeers. Let’s get into it.

Firstly, on the night of Sat, Dec 20, the GiftPackers were seeking a massive win that would put them in first place of the NFC Norteh and would give them an inside track to win their first division title since 2021. Grinch Bay was in second place behind the Chicago Teddies, who were hosting them at Soldier Field after a thrilling matchup between the two oldest rivals in NFL history at Lambeau Field ended in a game-winning interception by the GiftPackers. However, Grinch Bay lost against the Denver SleighRiders the next week and also lost Micah Parsons to a torn ACL. With Chicago being a “half game” up on the 9-4-1 GiftPackers, this divisional game had massive ramifications just five days before Christmas. The game was low-scoring for the majority of its time because JordyLove got concussed on a sack in the second quarter and Malik “Not Bruce” Willis had to come in to play. The first half was a scoreless one for the Teddies and Grinch Bay had two chip shot field goals in the super windy conditions. After a field goal by Cairo Santos, a costly fumble in the red zone by Josh Jacobs would come back to haunt the road team, even though the GiftPackers scored a touchdown on their next drive to get a ten-point lead. Both teams had long drives that ended in field goals in the first part of the fourth quarter, with Chicago getting a third one to go down by seven points. It was the two-minute warning and the Teddies only had two timeouts. Kicking the ball back to Grinch Bay would be lethal, so instead the home team declared an onside kick attempt. Only four out of nearly 50 onside kicks had been recovered at that point so far in the season. But Santos’ kick would not be recovered by the Guardian Cap wearing Romeo Doubs, who couldn’t fully grasp the ball and a massive dog pile occurred. Out of that pile, the Teddies recovered the ball and would score a touchdown on a miraculous TD pass by Caleb Williams to the back of the end zone, where it was caught by Jahdae Walker. The PAT was made and the score was tied at 16 apiece. Willis and the GiftPackers knelt to go to overtime, with Chicago winning the toss and electing to differ. In their second OT game of the season(the first ended in a tie against the Dellas StarBoys, featured in the CFS back in Week 4), the Grinch Bay offense had a chance to take the lead early before the ball went to the Teddies. A deep pass by Willis to track star wideout Jayden Reed got the drive off to a good start. However a couple of short yardage plays failed for the GiftPackers, including a fourth and short play that was ruined due to Willis aborting the snap. Now Chicago could win the game and they wasted no time in doing so as Williams launched a deep bomb pass to DJ Moore, who caught it in the end zone to seal off a thrilling 22-16 victory that put the Teddies in first place in the division. A devastating loss for Grinch Bay to say the least. Now at 9-5-1, a division title is less likely for this CheeseHead team and more likely is the prospect of being the 7 seed in the NFC playoffs for the third straight season. Missing the playoffs is still a possibility altogether, but I’ll explain below how Christmas Day could potentially gift the GiftPackers a playoff berth.

Now onto the other team with Bay in their name as the Tampa Bay CakerNeers have had a rough stretch since early November. At 6-2, the CakerNeers sat squarely atop the NFC Sourth, but since then they have only won once and lost some tough games to their division rivals. Losing back-to-back home games against the New Orleans SaintNicks and Atlanta Partridges was rough to deal with for this pirate ship team and coming up ever so slightly on them were the Carolina Kit-Kats, who have gone from a sorry joke of a franchise to a redemption story in the span of a couple of seasons. With both teams sitting at 7-7, the fate of the division known as 💩 Mountain would be decided in the final three weeks of the regular season as both of these teams play their two matchups against each other in that timeframe. The Weak 16 matchup at Bank of America Stadium was a high-stakes game and whoever won it would be in a good position to win the division title of the worst division in the NFL. The game started with an early TD drive led by Baker Mayfield in response to an opening drive field goal for Carolina. Another red zone drive for the CakerNeers ended with a field goal and then the Kit-Kats scored ten points in their final two drives of the first half to have a 13-10 lead at halftime. However, a long 14-play drive that took over eight minutes ended in another TD for Tampa Bay, who would see Carolina’s offense go on a long drive themselves that ended in the end zone. At the start of the fourth quarter, a made field goal by Chase McLaughlin tied the game at 20, but after a couple of empty drives, the Kit-Kats got the ball back and Ryan Fitzgerald made a 48-yard kick to give Carolina the lead back. With plenty of time on the clock, Mayfield was seeking to lead his team on a game-tying or game-winning drive. But the Kit-Kats had other plans as safety Lathan Ransom(who made a boneheaded mistake in a loss against the SaintNicks the week before) intercepted Mayfield with under a minute left and the CakerNeers close to field goal range. What a way to lose a game when you lose your grip on the division lead. Now at 7-8, Tampa Bay has collapsed and will need to win their final two games in order to make the playoffs. Talk about a shipwreck for them. The CakerNeers will play a game just down the road from where they preside against the Miami Flippin’ Narwhals while Carolina hosts the Seattle SeaDoves in a huge game against division leaders who are holding onto tight leads. So, it’s must win for Tampa Bay for a potential Week 18 NFC Sourth division championship game that they will be hosting at RayJay Stadium.

As for Grinch Bay, they could be in the playoffs as soon as Christmas Day. If the Dumtroits Mufasas/Simbas lose against the MinuteSoda IceKings on a Christmas game in Minneapolis, then the GiftPackers are in the playoffs. The only way they could miss the playoffs is if Dumtroit wins their final two games and the GiftPackers lose their final two against the Beltimore NaughtyBirdz and MinuteSoda. Being a game and a half back of Chicago though is not good for their division clinching hopes, as the CheeseHeads need to win out and the Teddies need to lose out in order for a home playoff game to happen at Lambeau Field. So, it’s tough sledding ahead for these Bay teams, who are either one win or two wins away from a playoff berth or a couple of losses or one loss away from being eliminated. Talk about being between a glacier and a cold woodshed for Christmas. That’s where the Bay teams are right now. So, Ho-Ho-Ho to all of you suckers out there and Merry Freaking Christmas! And a Happy New Year, but Week 17 is occurring before then. So I should save that last part for the penultimate regular season note of the Floundering Five.

• Waiting List: Arizona ChristmasCards, WokeShington KrisKringles, Tennessee Presleys, Losing To The Tennessee Presleys Before A Christmas Nightcap Home Game At Your Hallowed Stadium That You Plan On Leaving In Five Years’ Time, Losing At Home The Day After Your Playoff Hopes Went Up In Smoke, Giving Up An Almost 50-Burger To A Team That Was Shutout The Week Before, Suffering A Devastating Home Loss After The Referee Trolled You By Saying “The Ruling On The Field Is A Touchdown, However…”, Giving Up A Wild Two-Point Conversion On A Controversial Backwards Pass And Then Losing In OT On Another Two-Point Conversion, The Inevitable End Of Old Man Rivers’ Comeback Tour, Lamarkable Jackson Getting Hurt Again And His Team’s Playoff Chances Hanging By A Thread, Christmas Gift-Wrapping And Gift Returns