Inspirational Thought of the Week

I’ll tell you why I can’t find ya
Every time to your place you’ve gone fishin’
Well, how you know?
Well, there’s a sign upon your door (uh-huh)
Gone fishin’ (I’m real gone, man)
You ain’t working anymore (could be!)
There’s your hoe out in the sun
Where you left a row half-done
You claim that hoein’ ain’t no fun (but I can prove it!)
You ain’t got no ambition

Gone fishin, ‘
By a shady, wady pool (shangri-la! really la!)
I’m wishin’
I could be that kind of fool (shall I twist your arm?)
I’d say “no more work for mine” (welcome to the club)
On my door, I’d hang a sign, “gone fishin’”
Instead of just wishin’

“Gone Fishin”, by Louis Armstrong

Here at Floundering Five Headquarters, located in a place where “gone fishing” signs are never posted but teams who post those signs are viewed, we have been considering the cycle of teams who rise up only to fall and those who stumble out of the gate to surge up to the top of the standings. Firstly, it must be mentioned that there are now going to be five(!) different teams who have been in the top bottom spot this season. The Chicago Bores were in the top bottom spot after they started out 0-2 and weren’t looking good after both of those losses were to NFC Norteh division rivals. Then, all of a sudden, the Bores won nine out of ten games(before this week) and are serious contenders for the top seed in the Not Fair Conference. Meanwhile, you have another team who started out well at a fantastic record of 7-1 only to see themselves lose four of their next five matchups(the only win occurring in a foreign country in OT). And now they are relying on a retired-for-five-years QB who is about to potentially become a first-ballot Hall of Fame member to save their season and at least lift them into the playoffs. Funny how life changes within a few months for these football teams.

That team who has fallen out of the playoff picture entirely will be mentioned in a trio of teams in the Coveted Fifth Spot whose playoff chances were significantly damaged in Weak 14. All of those teams come from the Absolutely F***ed Conference, so that will be interesting to break down. As for the rest of the list, we do have a new top-bottom team after a wild Blanket Fight of the Week: Rookie QB Edition and we also have a team who was shutout against a team who suffered a scoreless game the week before. How funny is that? Not so funny for that team, but still amusing for us to break down. Let’s reel in these bad teams like a fisherman reels in fish on sailboats, in shallow rivers or on top of frozen icebeds over lakes.

With apologies to Greedy Vance, Marcus Mbow, Kevin Stefanski, Ben Sinnott, Alec Pierce, Jalen Rivers and Bryan Cook, here are the post-Week 14 Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark(2-11)

So, the eyepatched team is the new top bottom team in the league because they are on an active seven-game losing streak and an active 11-game in-division games losing streak. They have not won a game against an AFC Wusst opponent since former head coach Antonio Pierce led an unholy prayer that ended with him blurting out the actual name of this team. His successor Punk Carroll has not succeeded at all in his place and back-to-back weeks of division losses to the Lost Mangeles Dolts and Denver Donkeys have extended the divisional losing streak to 11 games over two seasons. Even more baffling is the BradyDoors’ decision to settle for a field goal(a flipping field goal) from Daniel Carlson with five seconds left just so they could cover the spread. Nothing says catering to Vegas bettors more than that. At least the Silver and BlackJack are only four games behind the Kansas City Chefs, who are on the edge of being eliminated from serious playoff contention. Meanwhile, Geno Smith got hurt again and Kenny PickettShovel actually finished the game in his place, throwing a garbage time TD pass before leading that spread-covering field goal drive to conclude a game. It was an ultra-rare instance of a walk-off field goal that didn’t win or tie the game. How rare! Now the next opponent for this battered and bruised team will be a team under such intense pressure to win on Sundae the 14th after an embarrassing loss on Monday night football due to their QB committing four turnovers, including two on one play. Man, won’t that be something. At least the BradyDoors aren’t the only team going through a long, two-month long losing streak. They will actually play a home game on the Strip in a few weeks against the…

2. New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(2-11)

So, the Army Ants might have actually coveted the spread against the Flailing Byes of Open Week Inc. because they no longer have the longest active losing streak in the NFL. Funny how a late season bye week will do that for you. Instead, they are tied for second with the BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark and the team with a longer streak of sucky results are their next opponent, the WokeShington CommandSkins, who have gone from a 12-win Wuss Card to a horrid record in the regular season once again. With Jaxson Dart watching videos on how to avoid getting crushed by opposing linebackers during the bye, he will hopefully lead Big Blue to their third victory in a Blanket Fight of the Week: NFC Least Big News City Edition. If they lose, then they might be the top bottom team. Or it might be one or two other teams. Who knows at this point? But if not for all the road choke jobs that the Fe Fi Foh Fumers had under the Big Tomater Brian Daboll, then maybe they might have a fighting chance to win the weakened NFC Least division due to the Dellas CrudBoys and Phatterdelphia Seagles losing this past week. But the football gods have frowned on these fools, as since Daboll and the injured-against-the-Seagles running back Cam “Be My” Skattebo decided to breach protocol and go into the injury tent to check on a possibly-concussed Dart in a Thursday night game at JetLife Stadium, the Army Ants have gone winless. Seven straight losses, including one in Phatty where Skattebo’s season ended. Karma is a bitchy force, ain’t it?

3. Cleveland ClownShow(3-10)

After a few weeks out of this list, the Greatest ClownShow in Northeast Ohio returns to the list after they somehow lost a frigid, snowy(not as bad as BufferLow) home game to the Tennessee Titanic Buffoons, whose offense put on its best showing in a while. The loss wasn’t for a lack of effort from SHEdeur Sanders, who threw for three touchdown passes, including one that led to a two-point conversion attempt that didn’t have to be attempted that failed and another one that also failed due to a botched trick play that he wasn’t on the field for. Kevin Stefanski really might be coaching his way out of CleveLand, or simply hoping his “every third year since 2020, we actually get into the playoffs” excuse works this time. After all, the AFC Norteh is actually weaker now than it has been in years in displacing the AFC Sourth as the new “crap mountain” division of that conference formed out of the old AFL and the OG Clowns unwilling joined it after the merger in 1970. Enough of history, let’s look forward to the next matchup, where Sanders and company will go to Chicago to take on a Bores team that just got knocked out of first place by the Grinch Bay Fatkers, whom the ClownShow beat for one of their three victories this season. Either Cleveland or Tennessee has to win in order for the playoff chances of a team in a state currently going through an “ICE-storm” to stay alive. What are the odds? My bet is that SHEdeur’s crew has more of a shot than Cam Ward’s one does, but the Buffoons could prove me wrong. They sure did by winning this BFOTW with two efficient halves of offense. Losing to the top bottom team for the past several weeks definitely guarantees you a spot in the FF, so welcome back in ClownShow! How long you stay in is totally up to you in these next few weeks.

4. W0keShingt0n C0mmandSkins(3-10)

In at number four is a team that was well overdue to crack these rankings but they mostly stayed on the outskirts and in the Coveted Fifth Spot for a couple of appearances. However, the CommandSkins had a long active losing streak continue against My Minnesota Vikings Who Went From Being Shutout To Delivering One on Sundae. In spite of welcoming Jayden Daniels back(only to have him get hurt again on an interception return), WokeShington had a scoreless effort and surrendered three touchdown passes to J.J McCarthy, who has been the most memed athlete on the Internet due to his alter ego “Nine” showing itself in an infamous postgame victory speech given by Kevin O’Connell… in Week 9. But Daniels caught the “Nine” disease along with Marcus Mariota, who threw an interception and fumbled the ball. A limited amount of possessions occurred for the CommandSkins, who have now lost eight straight games after starting out 3-2. Two of their victories came against the Army Ants and BradyDoors at home in the first three weeks and their only win over a team in playoff contention is against the Lost Mangeles Dolts, who made a litany of mistakes to lead them to defeat back in Weak 5. Now back where they were before Dan Snyder had to sell the team, WokeShington will seek to prevent its decline to last place in the NFC Least when they travel up the I-95 to take on the New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants in a BFOTW matchup that nobody saw coming. At least no one who thought that Daniels would have a sophomore sting of a season in 2025. And the funny thing is that the CommandSkins have not even face the dysfunctional Phatterdelphia Seagles yet. They will in two of the last three weeks. The NFL schedule-makers clearly didn’t nail that pairing as they thought the hard-to-win-titles in back-to-back years division would be decided between these two teams. The division could get decided, though, just not the way they thought. Womp womp!

5. A Trio Of AFC Teams Lose Big In Snow, Rain & Frigid Conditions, Increasing Their Chances Of Goin’ Fishing After Weak 18(0-a load of unsold playoff tix)

So, for this week’s CFS, we have an insane mixture of teams who thought that they would be having a solid chance to make it into the playoffs(?) heading into December, but instead they had those chances buoyed by tough defeats. Two of these teams have been going through collapses, while the other one was just hoping for a jolt of energy in the form of the return of their mockery namesake in order to win a very mediocre division. And ironically, all of these teams played in different conditions. One of them played in a “Snow Bowl”, the other in rainy conditions on a grass field in a stadium that will be renovated into an indoor venue to the benefit of future visitors and the last one in clear but chilly conditions in the evening. An interesting spread of weather there to add to the conditions that fishers must be wary about, whether on the high seas or on top of frozen glaciers. Safe to say that the ice is cracking or has already cracked for these teams’ playoff hopes. Let’s plunge into it.

Firstly, we have the Cincinnata Burrows, who after the proverbial return of Joe Burreaux on Thanksgiving night still had a reason to believe that they could possibly make a run similar to the one they made at the end of 2024 in almost cracking the playoff field in the AFC. Their only chance to do so is to win the AFC Norteh and they played against a team desperate to stay on the right side of the playoff picture in the BufferLow HillBillies, who were trying to make up ground on the New VrabelLand PottyHats(on their late Week 14 bye). The Burrows got off to a good start in this snowy game at “Highmark” Stadium(might be the last one of those in that venue’s long history ending after this football season) in scoring two touchdowns in their first two drives. But Josh Allen did what he does best, which is playing clutch in any potential condition in a big-time regular season game. In spite of holding a ten-point lead at halftime and in the fourth quarter, Cincy couldn’t stop the snow-powered QB on the white-covered turf that is his home field. Allen ran for an epic touchdown to lower the lead to three and then Burrow threw a ball that was intercepted by Christian Benford, who took the ball all the way to the house for a frigid pick-6 that gave BufferLow the lead. Burrow then got picked off again and the HillBillies added onto their lead with a clutch Allen TD pass into the whitened end zone. The Burrow-led offense tried their best to stay in the fight, with a touchdown pass to Teeeee Higgins followed by an unsuccessful two-point conversion. But Allen ended the game with an epic run on third and 15 that ended in a snowy slide for a first down. The Bungles lost on the same day that the RodgersBurgh Stellers won an epic game over the Beltimore RuffHens to take control of the division. Being three games back of a team that has a similar division record and better in-conference record than them is not good for Cincinnata, who will host the RuffHens in a high-stakes rematch that could determine if either one of these teams has even an inkling of a chance to stay in the playoff hunt. On the verge of elimination and having suffered their most losses in a season since 2020(due to Burrow missing so many games along with the failure of their defense), the Bungles are definitely on the verge of goin’ fishing for the third straight year at the start of January. Not what they expected with a star QB who can’t stay healthy behind a feckless offensive line and a defense which might have to bid adieu to the banged-up Trey Hendrickson eventually. Tough luck indeed in the Queen City on the north side of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Now onto Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies, who appeared in this list two weeks ago after choking a double-digit lead to the Kansas City Chefs(foreshadowing I am here) in a game that they could have won to remain in first place in the AFC Sourth before their hard stretch of playing against the other two good teams in the division began. Well, they lost to the Houston Texthens in a close and tight home game at the Mucus Spoiled Emporium and were bumped out of first place before their matchup against that team who leapfrogged them in the Jack In The Cracked Jags, who have gone from the Golden Undies winner at the end of the 2024 league year to a bonafide playoff contender in 2025. The Jags hosted the Hippies in holding a decade-long winning streak over the Horseshoe franchise in Duuuuval County. It was a rainy Sunday on the Floridian Peninsula and the retro-jersey wearing spotted kitty cats looked to take advantage of that. The rainy turf might be the culprit for killing the playoff hopes of Indy as Daniel “Indiana” Jones suffered a non-contact injury to his right Achilles(which is opposite the leg where he was dealing with a fractured fibula that he somehow played through) in the second quarter. Jones had already thrown an INT that led to a TD for the Jags and this devastating injury occurred while the Hippies were trailing 14-7. Jones slammed his helmet on the ground as he had suffered another debilitating lower extremity injury in the state of Florida(see Oct 2023 against the Miami Delphins). Having to walk off in the rain slowly, Jones was replaced by Riley Leonard, who had no real game experience at the NFL level. Leonard couldn’t lead any real touchdown drives in time and the JAX offense overwhelmed the Hippies’ defense. Losing 36-19 and losing their surprise QB on a one-year deal to an Achilles tear was bad. But also Leonard suffered a knee injury on a safety sack and he had to play through that. So, with an 8-5 record Indy finds itself out of the AFC playoff picture as the Texthens are edging them out for the 7 seed currently. With three out of four games on the road in the remaining schedule and all four games against playoff contenders in both conferences, what does Carlie Irsay-Gordon, the daughter of the late-great Jim Irsay, and the entire Hippies front office decide to do? They decide to dial up the guy who was their QB the last time they made the playoffs in Philip Rivers, who is 44 years old and has been retired for the last five years. Rivers had a tryout on Tuesday and the Hippies signed him to their practice squad, as the only other active QB on the HoofShoed team is Brett Rypien. Anthony Richardson is out with an orbital fracture suffered in a pregame practice with no helmets on, so the nuclear option has arrived. The dadgum QB from Lower Alabama that made his living playing QB for the San Diago/Lost Mangeles Dolts before playing one season in the Speedway City is back and whether he appears or not is a mystery. With a couple of his offensive teammates from 2020 still on the active roster, Rivers might have a more smooth transition back into action than originally thought. But what a wild world we live in. Aaron Rodgers might be a little ticked that Old Philip, who just turned 44 on Monday, is going to pass him for being the oldest-active QB/player in the league for a few weeks at least. There’s even a chance that they play each other in the playoffs. How wild would that be? As wild as seeing an old grizzly bear fight against an old black bear in the woods.

Now onto the final team in this trifecta of potential “fishers”, the Kansas City Chefs return into the CFS for a second straight week as they have fallen on hard times. They had a potential last-ditch effort to win at home, where they were 5-1 heading into a Sundae night duel against the Houston Texthens. Another game against a Lone Star State team after losing in Big D on Thanksgiving, the Chefs Kingdom looked to succeed in a playoff rematch against Houston. But they had a bad night offensively, as Patrick MaHonEs had a scoreless first half that was aided by a clanked field goal by Harrison Butker. Some momentum in the third quarter occurred as the KC defense held its ground and a couple of scoring drives occurred for the Chefs. But the fourth quarter opened with a deep pass by MaHonEs that was intercepted and then on their next drive, with the score still tied, on fourth and short in their own territory, what does Andy Reid decide to do? He decides to keep his offense on the field to go for it and MaHonEs threw an incomplete pass to Rashee Rice, whose hands couldn’t catch the frigid ball. The Texthens scored a touchdown off that dumb decision and then the same thing happened again on a fourth and four(an incomplete pass to Rice, Rice baby!). Still getting the ball back while down by one possession, the Chefs needed a mistake-free drive. But that didn’t happen as MaHonEs threw a ball that was in the hands of Travis Kelce(whose fiancée Taylor Swift was present), who lost control of the ball and it was intercepted by Azeez Al-Shaair. Oh boy. Houston drained off time and got a field goal off the third pick thrown by number 15 and the game ended with a 20-10 score in favor of the road team. The Kingdom had fallen at Arrowhead and the streak of nine consecutive division titles for the Chefs is now finished. Being 6-7(Gen Alpha losing their minds on this one) and five games back of the Denver Donkeys with four weeks left and now two games(essentially three games) back of the Texthens for the final Wild Card spot, KC must now stagger its way to a desperate home game against the Lost Mangeles Dolts, who also hold a head-to-head edge over them due to a Weak 1 win in São Paulo. Things are not looking good for the Chefs, who might be sitting on the couch for the first time in a decade during the playoff rounds. Who would have thought that would happen? There is still some hope left for at least one of these teams, but the bill will probably come due for all of them around the real “Holiday Season” period. That’s all for this fishing expedition edition of the CFS.

• Waiting List: Tennessee Titanic Buffoons, New Yuck GlennJUTS, New Orleans Aints, The Team Who Lost To The Aints And Failed To Increase Their Lead Over 💩 Mountain, Arizona YellowBeaks, Atlanta ChokingBirds, Losing Due To A Couple of Controversial Officiating Decisions, Coming Short Against Your Historic Rivals In Epic Fashion, Throwing Four Interceptions And Blowing A Chance To Increase Your Chances of Winning A Weak-Sauce Division, The End of Bye Weeks In 2025, Holiday Gift Shopping Prices