Inspirational Thought of the Week

I’ve paid my dues
Time after time.
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime.
And bad mistakes 
I’ve made a few
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I’ve come through.

We are the champions, my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting ’til the end.
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions of the world.

“We Are The Champions”, by Queen

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where a load of championship teams have been watched over the years, we have been considering the rise and fall of championship “dynasties”. Like how do some teams rise up to win a title and can’t sustain that success over a load of years? And for those who manage to, how long does it take for all of that success to dry up? Apparently the answer for a couple of teams in the NFL is exactly like a parodied acronym for the league “Not For Long”. And over a short frame of weeks, a couple of ex-champs have gone from perennial playoff/top seed contenders to barely being able to stay relevant in the playoff chase and/or booed out of their home stadium. Life comes at you fast and hard, with both of these franchises finding out that not all that glitters is gold. A lot of it glitters due to the bright lights and if you don’t put forth your A-game, you will not have any chance to play for a championship, much less win one. And that’s the cold hard truth.

That above thing will be the subject matter of this week’s Coveted Fifth Spot, which has been devoted to tearing down some good teams lately(it’s not just bad-record teams in the FF). As for the top quad of stinky teams for this week, three of them from last week’s rankings are back in while another team who hadn’t been shut out in a game since 2007(the year where the iPhone was introduced to the world as a whole different device than what it has become today) makes it into the fourfold mess. Getting blanked is grounds for being put into the Floundering Five, no matter what your record is. And with the team who laid an egg being in last place in their division, it is even more appropriate, so that’s at least noteworthy. Let’s bounce into this post-Thanksgiving week of sorrowful teams who are stuffed with bad fortune almost like people who are stuffed after overfilling Thanksgiving dinners.

With apologies to Julius Chestnut, Younghoe Koo, Raheem Mostert, Max Brosmer, Rashee Rice and Kevin Patullo, here are the post-Week 13 Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(1-11)

Having held this spot since late October, the Buffoons lost their seventh straight game(and eleventh in a row at home) to the Jack In The Cracked Jags. An early field goal by Joey SlyeGuy was the only score that Tennessee had and that occurred on their opening drive. A fumbled kickoff return by Chimere Dike following a touchdown by the Jags led to eight points. The notable moment in the game was a fight on the sidelines where a Buffoons defender named Arden Key removed the helmet of JITC defender Anton Harrison and put his hands on his face. A total brawl there that also featured Julius Chestnut receiving a spirited “death threat” in verbal form from Jags punter Logan Cooke. In the end, safety Mike Brown of Tennessee was the only player ejected as the Buffoons lost their 11th straight home game dating back to last season. Their most recent home win at Nissan Stadium occurred in November of last year against the then New MayoLand PottyHats, whose head coach is now Mike Vrabel. Coming up next for this sinking franchise is a Blanket Fight of the Week: Class of 2025 QB Duel Edition against the Cleveland ClownShow. Whether Tennessee wins or not might not matter, because they’re looking like a team that’s going to hold the number one overall pick two years in a row. If that’s the case, then maybe the streak of QBs being drafted number one(with the exceptions of 2022 and 2017) for the past decade might end. Or the Buffoons might ship that pick off to someone who wants to draft Arch Manning or some other hotshot QB out of college. For now, the Buffoons remain in the top bottom spot and only increase their odds of winning the Golden Undies award at the end of this season.

2. New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(2-11)

So, this once-great franchise stomped their way to play on Monday night some 200 miles northeast of where their home stadium is to take on the New VrabelLand PottyHats, who had won ten games in a row entering this game. An odd extra 17th game matchup due to both these teams finishing in last place in their divisions in 2024, the Army Ants had Jaxson Dart return to the lineup after missing two games with a reckless concussion that he suffered in Chicago. You would think Dart would play a little more cautiously in this game against a tough PottyHats defense. Well, you would be wrong as Dart took a couple of hard hits early on, including one on a hit near the sideline that caused a skirmish featuring the New Yuck offensive linemen who protected their reckless QB. Meanwhile, a punt return TD by Marcus Jones of the Retro Redcoat Pots pushed the lead to double-digits and the halftime lead would be 30-7 in favor of New VrabelLand. A couple of weird moments occurred for Big Blue, including kicker Younghoe Koo having a huge swing and a miss on a field goal attempt in the second quarter. That was the biggest swing and a miss by a New Yuck team since Aaron Judge struck out loads of times in the baseball playoffs. That even flustered Danny DeVito, who said on the ManningCast “What the hell was that?” In the end, the G.I-Ants lost 33-15 and have lost seven in a row to be tied with two teams for the longest active losing streak in the NFL at an unlucky seven. One of those teams on that active losing streak that could end next week are the WokeShington CommandSkins, who lost their seventh game in a row after starting 3-2. Whether Big Blue can win that game against the Commies or not is unknown, but at least they didn’t choke a double-digit lead on the road in this instance. That has already occurred five times for them and thankfully there is only one more road game this season for the Fe Fie Foh Fumers. Perhaps they could win that road game to end a long losing streak and that road game will be against the…

3. BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark(2-10)

So, this offensively-challenged team traveled to their old stomping grounds of Lost Mangeles to face the Dolts in their yearly game at SoFine Stadium, with the Silver and BlackJack showing some fight. Both these teams traded interceptions in the first half and the score was tied 7-7 at halftime. But then, the “Super Charged” Dolts surged ahead with a couple of touchdown drives and they kept their lead high over the Punk Carroll Ark carriers, who lost their sixth straight game and were officially eliminated from playoff contention for the fourth straight season. Another double-digit loss season has this team back at rock bottom and harkening back to the Jamarcus Russell/Lane Kiffin days. One of those gentlemen has been in the news lately due to him bailing on his Ole Piss team that could make the College Football Playoff for an opportunity of a lifetime down in Baton Rogue, Loseriana. That’s interesting. So is the fact that this eyepatched team won a game against the PottyHats in Weak 1 and their only other win came against the Titanic Buffoons. Talk about winning games against one of the best teams in football and one of the worst(if not the worst) team in the league this year. Opposite extremes, am I right? Next up for the BradyDoors will be another home game on the Strip versus the Denver Donkeys, whom they almost beat on a ThorsDay night game that was one of the most sloppy games of football played in recent memory a few weeks back. At 10-2, the Donkeys are one of the best teams in the league in terms of their record, so maybe the Doors will spring an upset? With the way that their offense is playing and the sad penalty-raged state of their defense, it’s a long shot, but hey any given Sunday, right? Also the phrase “Just Win, Baby” probably applies more to women than men and the women’s basketball team in VegAss has won a lot in recent years. Mark Davis owns that team and he’s probably glad he has that to distract himself from his real job of owning one of the most embarrassing teams in football. At least his team hasn’t been shutout this season, meanwhile in the four spot we have the…

4. MinuteS0da SucKings(4-8)

So, we have this team that won 14 games last season who have now entered the top/bottom four in the FF because they got shut out by the Seattle SamChickens. They didn’t allow Sam Darnold to do much against them, but that didn’t matter because the offense for the SucKings sucked badly. So badly, with Bad Max Brosmer throwing a god-awful pick-6 and throwing three other interceptions, including one that was oddly negated on a fumble recovery. The GheyKings were without J.J McHurthy, who might have a chance to play above the bad bar set by Brosmer in Weak 13. This two-game roadie was a rough one for MinuteSoda, who had to see McHurthy get concussed and saw the Grinch Bay Fatkers defenders do a “Skol” chant with their own CheeseHead fans. That was embarrassing. Well, how about not scoring a touchdown in two straight weeks and getting shut out in a regular season game for the first time since 2007? Wow. That was the rookie season of one Adrian Peterson, who has had a pretty hard time off the field. Well, the next game for this Purple Pain team will come against the WokeShington CommandSkins, who nearly defeated the Donkeys in overtime on their home field in deciding to go for two after a touchdown and that attempt failed miserably. Having lost seven straight games, the Commies might be looking at a streak-busting win over the SucKings, whose offense is M.I.A and their defense can only do so much. Their losing streak isn’t as long as three teams on this list and WokeShington, plus the Arizona YellowBeaks have been more of a disappointment somehow. But with a shutout MinuteSoda is on this list for this week and they definitely look like a last place team now as their playoff hopes fade faster than the autumn leaves do in the Great White North. A 1-4 home record is nothing to be proud of, but they will at least have a chance to win a second home game on the season against a team with a win total lower than theirs. Funny how life changes so fast across one offseason. But for the SucKings, this is another example of a tragic comedy that they have endured far too many times in their franchise’s long painful history. Misery loves company and it seems that misery always has a reservation in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

5. Two Former Champs Lose Big And See Their Playoff/Top Seed Hopes Fade During The ThorsDay/FryDay Holidays(0-a load of sick stomach fans)

Now onto the former champion edition of the CFS, where we had both teams who played against each other in last season’s STUPID Bowl lose over a two-day stretch of food-eating and formerly brawling with each other for shopping items available at insane discounts. We had the Kansas City Chefs(a dynasty on life support) and the Phatterdelphia Seagles(a dynasty disrupted by the Kingdom in the heartland) lose on Thanksgiving and BlackEye Friday. Both losses come with incredible consequences for both these teams who were looking to hear the anthem of banner-hanging from “Queen” in February and one of them did. But the two most recent NFL champions are finding themselves going through hard times in recent weeks. Especially in Phatty, where the fans are so ticked off about the lack of efficiency from their offense that they boo so loudly that you thought that the Seagles are the road team. No, in the City of Brotherly Shove, the fans there will boo anybody, including Santa Claus. Ho oh boy. Let’s get into this mess of ex-champion teams falling flat on their faces.

Starting with the Chefs, they traveled south to their original birthplace deep in the heart of TexAss as they faced the Dellas CrudBoys in a must-win game on Thanksgiving afternoon/evening. After coming from behind and winning in OT against Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies, KC sought another big win that would keep their playoff hopes relevant as the calendar turned to December. Thankfully, the Chefs Kingdom fanbase invaded JerryWorld Stadium on Thanksgiving, with plenty of red jerseys painting the stands of the largest stadium in terms of capacity in the NFL. Never before had the CrudBoys been faced with such a neutral-site environment at their stadium, although there were a lot of Seagles fans dressed in Kelly Green jerseys a few days prior. The game started with Dak Prescott throwing an interception and that set up Patrick MaHonEs to throw a touchdown pass right away to Rashee Rice(a nice food-themed name there on Turkey Day). But Dellas responded in kind with a touchdown in the first quarter, which ended with a MaHonEs TD pass to Travis Kelce, who was definitely thankful to be the fiancé of a very beautiful pop star on this holiday occasion. But Kansas City was outscored by the CrudBoys 13-0 in the second and third quarters, with their offense taking a more conservative approach on fourth downs than usual. But to conclude the third quarter, the Chefs got into scoring range and they scored to start out the fourth quarter on another MaHonEs hookup to Rice. But that one-point lead was short-lived for the Kingdom as Prescott led another touchdown drive that ended with a two-point conversion to wisely push the lead up to seven points for the CrudBoys. The Chefs had an unsuccessful three-and-out drive and Dellas got into scoring range, with KaVontae Turpin fumbling a ball on third down in the red zone, but he recovered the ball and the CrudBoys settled for a field goal that pushed the lead to ten points. KC got a late touchdown, but the Dellas offense closed out the game with some first downs that forced Andy Reid to call all his team’s timeouts and the two-minute warning came. The Chefs lost by three points and now at 6-6, they are in serious danger of missing the playoffs altogether after failing to win their third straight SB title. With the Lost Mangeles Dolts, BufferLow HillBillies and Jack In The Cracked Jags all winning along with the Denver Donkeys keeping their four-game lead over the defending AFC chumps(for three years in a row), the Kingdom is not in a good spot. The Houston Texthens will be the next opponent for the Chefs, with Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies being the only team in the AFC Wild Card that KC has a head-to-head win over. Houston is a game ahead of them, so that Sunday night game at ArrowHead will once again be a do-or-die game for the bad-luck Chefs, who are not winning as many one-possession games as they did last season. How crazy is the NFL this year? Pretty wild.

Now onto the team who defeated KC in SB59 last season. The Phatterdelphia Seagles were coming off an appearance in the CFS pre-Thanksgiving after they choked a 21-0 lead to Dellas. Under a lot of pressure to win on BlackEye Friday against the Chicago Bores, the Seagles needed a W big time, especially after the CrudBoys’ win over the Chefs placing them ever so closer to the NFC Least division lead. The first drive of the game for Phatty came after they got a fourth down stop against Chicago, and they weren’t able to get anything. The boo birds from the fans started there, then they intensified after the Bores got a touchdown and the Seagles had to settle for a field goal made by Jake Smelliot to put them down 7-3. A couple of three-and-out drives happened in quarter number two and the home team fans continued to boo. Down only by seven points at the half, the Seagles needed to get their stuff together and fast. After another three-and-out drive, Jalen HurtsHisTeam threw an interception to Kevin Byard and even more boos rained down from the stands in the Linc. But Hurts bounced back and threw a few good passes, including a TD pass to A.J Brown. You thought that the score would be tied, but the PAT by Smelliot was missed due to the windy conditions on the evening of BlackEye Friday. The Phatty defense continued playing well and got an interception off Caleb Williams, with the Hurts offense going into the red zone. On third and short, the Seagles tried their signature “Tush Push” play to try and pick up a first down. But the craziest thing happened, which was a fumble by Hurts on the push and Nahshon Wright forced it and recovered the ball. An absolute ultra-rare instance there. And what did the Bores offense do after that amazing feat? They scored a touchdown. Another three-and-out drive by Phatty led to another end zone score for Chicago and when that happened, a load of the displeased Seagles fans started heading for the exits. Wow. Talk about a lack of confidence in your team’s offense. Even a guy dressed up as Santa walked out. The Phatty offense mustered up one last good drive that led to a touchdown and an unwise two-point conversion attempt when down by nine points that was no good. A lack of confidence in Smelliot due to his missed PAT earlier and a missed field goal by Smelliot closed out the game. A 24-15 loss now has the Seagles as the 3 seed in the NFC and their fans are afraid that their team is collapsing like they did in 2023 after getting off to a 10-1 start. Instead of winning the NFC Least that year, Phatty was the top wild card and they lost in the Wild Card round to the Tampa Bayker MayfieldNeers. The CrudBoys, with their bizarre record of 6-5-1, are basically a game and a half behind the 8-4 Seagles, who will play a not-so-easy game on Monday night in Weak 14 against the Lost Mangeles Dolts, who are the same record and are a Wild Card team in the AFC currently. So, it wasn’t a good week for the two teams that played each other in the STUPID Bowl last season. There’s still time for both of them, but they better get their acts together or they will be gone fishin’ in the early part of January.

• Waiting List: New Orleans Aints, Arizona WhiteyBirds(lost eight out of nine games since summer ended), CleveLand ClownShow, WokeShington CommandSkins, The Team Who Lost To The GlennJUTS, Losing On Thanksgiving To Your Division Rival, Getting Robbed By The Refs In A Couple of Instances In Your Home Dome, Getting Beaten Up On Both Ends Of The Trenches On Your Home Field That You Share With A College Team, Lamarkable Jackson Turning Over The Ball Five Times On Turkey Night, Overloaded Thanksgiving Leftovers, The CFP Overshadowing The NFL(Good Luck)