Inspirational Thought of the Week

Out of the street, get on home
Tail shaking filly running on her own
They say she got loose on the night
She was born
Cranking it up in a school zone

“Kick it out, kick it out”, she said
“kick out your motor and drive
While you’re still alive, kick it out!”

“Kick It Out”, by Heart

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where kicking is done all the time(when it comes to stretching out legs), we have been considering the concept of the game-ending field goal and how much easier it is now for a team to achieve it. With the complexity of the dynamic kickoff complicating matters, offenses can get themselves into field goal range more easily now than ever after an opposing team scores. The flexed OT rules of both teams getting a chance to possess the ball(unless a Pick-6 occurs on the first possession of OT) with only a 10-minute period complicates matters as well. Obviously the field conditions and venue setting come into play as well when it comes to kicking field goals from a long distance, as a domed stadium gives a better chance to win the game than an outdoor setting. It all comes down to the kicker along with the offensive line walling off any defender seeking to block the kick. Safe to say that this will be the topic of how a lot of games ended in Week 11 of this NFL season(all of them on the same day in fact) and the teams who lost and put themselves in that position will be the subject matter of the Coveted Fifth Spot.

As for the main list, the bottom four remain the same with a slight tweak as one of those four teams lost on a game-winning kick by the opposition(but they are left out of the CFS due to them being hopelessly out of playoff contention). Talk about exclusion, right? And as we inch closer to Thanksgiving, we must not be remised to mention that we are thankfully going to have a good and solid time breaking down games without having to worry about the logistics of travel. As if traveling to games is something we do from the comfort of channel sliding and watching Scott HandSome switch from one game to the next on NFL RedZone, which has been hijacked by corporate advertisers. What a shame that is, but at least we have this list to give all of us solace and a place to roast the worst of the worst on a weekly basis. So, let’s bounce into it.

With apologies to Chimere Dike, Abdul Carter, AJ Cole, KT Leveston, Matt Gay, J.J McCarthy, KhaDarel Hodge and Nikko Remigio, here are the post-Week 11 Floundering Five Rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(1-9)

So, the Buffoons of NashBille remain in the top bottom spot after they lost another home game at crumbling Nissan Stadium, making them 0-5 as the only NFL team not to win a home game so far this season. Playing a sloppy game against the Houston Texthens in another Old H-Town vs. New H-Town edition, the Buffoons held their division rivals scoreless in the first half while only scoring three points on a long field goal by Joey Slye. Facing backup QB Davis Mills, the Titanic B’Foons tried their best to contain him, but gave up a touchdown on the opening drive of the second half to the Texthens after scoring another field goal in their opening drive. A couple of field goals for Matthew Wright pushed the HousTon lead to seven points, which was what Cam Ward was finally able to garner on a last-chance drive after a clutch pass to Chig Okonkwo led to a game-tying TD pass to Van Jefferson. With the extra point good, the game was tied at 13. But sadly, the Buffoons scored “too soon” as the Texthens had a minute and a half and two timeouts to use in order to get into position for a game-winning field goal kicked and made by Mr. Wright. So now at 1-9, Tennessee remains the only team in the league with only one win. They will have two straight weeks with chances to get their first home win against the Seattle SamChickens(whose namesake looked like his old ghost-seeing self on Sundae afternoon) and Jack In The Cracked Jags. Not easy being a doormat to playoff contenders right? At least these Buffoons fight hard, only to lose by mostly close margins. What more could you ask for? Some wins I guess would be nice. But nice things don’t occur to downtrodden franchises and this team in NashBille is one of those unfortunate teams.

2. New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(2-9)

Speaking of which, these Army Ants pivoted from firing Brian Daboll by deciding to start Jameis Winston after Jaxson Dart was concussed in last week’s road loss to the Chicago Bores. Famous Anus has some experience with winning but also throwing away games. However, he was confident in his abilities to win this game against the Grinch Bay Fatkers, who had lost two games against underdog teams so far this season. The game started well for the Army Ants, who got an opening drive TD but Grinch Bay scored two TDs in the second quarter(with one of those drives led by Malik Willis after JordyLove left the game due to a shoulder injury, then came back to lead the second drive). Big Blue tied the game heading into halftime, but in the second half, a couple of empty drives, including a Winston interception and game-ending strip sack by Micah Parsons doomed the G.I-Ants in this game. Now with nine losses and with an inability thus far to beat NFC Norteh teams(unlike the Phatterdelphia Seagles), New Yuck will play a road game against the Dumtroit Flyins next week. Whether Dart comes back for that game or not is unknown. But this team has talented players(with a couple of key players out) and great potential. They just need a better coaching staff, and right now Mike Kafka as the interim head coach might not cut it. So, these Fe Fi Foh Fumers will probably stay in this list or they could stomp their way out of them with some surprise wins. Their bye week isn’t until Weak 14, so they might be in this list for the next couple of weeks at least(and even a little longer). Also, Abdul Carter missed a walk-through because he reportedly slept on the job. Most people get fired for doing that, but professional athletes? Barely disciplined. The Keon Coleman situation in BufferLow is a rare example of punishment levied onto a player these days. Back in the old days, that was more common. Now? The media will hang a coach out to dry if they even think about benching a key player for even a quarter for disciplinary reasons. So, these Big Blue Bums remain below the other bad Gangrene New Yuck team, who also lost but they barely avoid getting back into the FF rankings for another week at least.

3. BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark(2-8)

Now onto the Silver and BlackJack, who only have one home win and one road win this season(somehow in Weak 1 against the now 9-2 New VrabelLand PottyHats). They hosted the newly-named Dellas CrudBoys, who were coming off the most emotionally-draining bye week any team in this century has endured. The BradyDoors also had their namesake in attendance for their second Monday Night tilt of the season(the first was a tough loss to the Lost Mangeles Dolts where TB12 himself sat in the offensive coordinator’s booth, not at all suspiciously) as Tom Terrific was there after calling a game in his mother’s home state of MinuteSoda(get to that one in a bit). Anyhow, the eyepatched team got off to a solid start defensively as Mad Maxx Crosby strip-sacked Dak Prescott and that led to only three points from Geno Smith’s weak-sauce offense. Then, after a couple of field goals were traded off, Dellas took over as Prescott started firing darts through the VegAss defense, with him throwing three TD passes in the second quarter that fired up the pro-CrudBoys crowd at the DeathStar Stadium. A deflected interception thrown by Smith led to one of those TDs, with another TD scored by Dellas on a fourth TD pass by Dak in the second half. Down by 22 points, the Doors fought back as they scored a touchdown only to have a bad punt return and a false start lead to a safety in the end zone. At 2-8, the Silver and BlackJack have gone through a cycle of losing four straight after winning one game. But they will have a chance to win next week in another “home game” off the Strip in a Blanket Fight of the Week: QB Inconsistency Over The Past 20+ Years Edition against the…

4. Cleveland ClownShow(2-8)

Yep, the greatest carnival show of a football team is coming back to VegAss after they were beaten by their old selves in the Beltimore RuffHens, who went from being fringe FF contenders to back in the actual playoff picture with four straight wins in the past few weeks. The Clowns actually capitalized on a couple of turnovers by the RuffHens, with ten points scored off a muffed punt and a pick-6 thrown by Lamarkable Jackson, who led a solid TD drive after that second mistake. After a concussion suffered at the end of the first half by Dillon Gabriel, Shedeur Sanders entered the game for his first official NFL appearance. But he struggled as a Clowns team up by six points failed to score at all in the second half. Shedeur only completed four of his 16 passes, much to the chagrin of the excited crowd in CleveLand cheering on the son of PrimeTime himself. A couple of field goals in the fourth quarter by Beltimore tied the game up and after a load of drives that ended in punts for the Clowns, the RuffHens ended up having a clutch design play on a fourth and short gamble as Mark Andrews galloped his way into the end zone for a big go-ahead score. One last chance was given by young Sanders to lead Cleveland on a potential game-tying drive, but he came up a little short in the end. A 23-16 loss has the ClownShow at 2-8 heading into a road game against the BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark. Having not won on the road since Sept 15 of last year against the Jack In The Cracked Jags, the Clowns will look to break a long losing streak on the road in a stadium located not far from a casino named Circus Circus. The road losing streak for the ClownShow actually started in Lost VegAss last season with a 20-16 loss to the Silver and BlackJack, so there’s a chance for that losing streak to end next week in that BFOTW matchup. But at least Cleveland went down(or up) a spot in this list and they are only within one or two games of not being in last place. There are a few last place teams that can say that though, so they’re not really special. Womp womp!

5. A Quad of Desperate Teams Lose On Sunday The 16th On Game-Winning Kicks By Their Opponents Over A Long Seven-Hour Stretch(0-a load of heartache)

Now onto this tough and intense version of the Coveted Fifth Spot, which always has room for heartbreak and close losses suffered by teams of different ilks. Whether they are on the verge of playoff contention or on the verge of a high draft pick, this entry has room for all of them. For this week, we had a weird assortment of games that ended with a team losing on a game-winning field goal made by their opponent. We already mentioned the Titanic Buffoons against the Texthens and that was not the only game to end that way in the early afternoon window. We had four other games on Sun, Nov 16 end the same way, in fact one of them occurred in a foreign country known for loving a game-winning kick in a different form of futból. There were a couple of others that occurred for home teams and one last one featuring the team that many thought was unstoppable due to the refs helping them out and other factors like a fanbase of “Swelce” lovers. But now that magic is gone and that once dominant team is in danger of missing the playoffs. As are the other teams in this unfortunate quad of losers. Let’s get into it, starting with a game that actually ended in the early evening hours in a country hosting its first ever NFL game.

So, at 2:30 pm local time, a game kicked off between two teams in la ciudad bonita de Madrid, España. Los Comandantes de Washington jugaron contra los Delfines de Miami in el primero partido de futból Americano en España en el Estadio Santiago Bernabéu. Had to fit in a little Spanish there and the translations of both teams facing off in this Blanket Fight of the Week: Ay Caramba Edition. Bart Simpson would definitely like that along with Bumblebee Man who says “Ay ay ay!” This game between three-win teams lived up to its billing with sloppy offensive execution by both Hawaiian-born QBs in Marcus Mariota and Tua Tagovailoa early on. The first half was a field goal fiesta as four out of five field goal attempts were made. The only one that was missed occurred with Matt Gay. To start out el medio segundo, the Comadantes had a strong drive that ended with a strong receiving TD into the end zone for Deebo Samuel. A 13-6 lead was muy fuerte para Washington. Holding Miami out of the end zone on a fourth and goal was good as well(it happened again following a muffed punt). To start out the fourth quarter, a strong drive did occur para los Defines, who scored with a one-yard TD run by Ollie “Ollie Oxen Free” Gordon. A turnover on downs in the red zone due to a Mariota pass that glided past Zach Ertz on fourth and goal hurt the Commies, who had a chance to win the game after a couple of big chunk passes by the Hawaiian Heisman himself(sorry Tua, you came up short a couple of times). But a long 56-yard field goal by Señor Gay went wide right of the goalpost. The game went into tiempo extra with the coin toss won by los Delfines, who opted to play on defense to start out el periodo de diez minutos. It turned out to be a golden decision, as the first play run by the Washington offense was a Mariota pass that was intercepted by Jonathan Jones, who would be tackled down at the 33-yard line of the Commies. Miami was en un posición perfecto for Riley Patterson to kick the game-winning field goal after they got the ball into the red zone and he made it from 29 yards out to have the Phins win this home game in Madrid by a final score of 16-13. Not bad for both the first ever games in Berlin and Madrid to go into OT and have amazing endings. But for the DC Brigade of CommandSkins(drifting closer back to WokeShington range a bit), they are now 3-8 and head into their bye week being a load of games behind the final playoff spot. Things are looking bleak for this Commies team that had an amazing season in 2024 only to have a sophomore slump occur for Jayden Daniels, who might not return for the final stretch of the season if the team truly cares about his long-term health. Having lost six straight games, the CommandSkins aren’t looking ripe right now in the NFC Least, which is dominated by the Phatterdelphia Seagles, whom they play in two of their last three games on the schedule. A bad decision it has turned out to be for the NFL schedule makers in thinking the division would come down to those two critical matchups. Phatty is flying high while the Commies are going down low. Tough luck there.

The team who started that losing streak for the CommandSkins are the Chicago Bores ironically and they faced My Minnesota Vikings Who Are Having Offensive Consistency Problems With J.J McCarthy Right Now. The ViQueens had another tasteless offensive performance as Mr. Nine continued gliding passes that went well incomplete of the good assets that he has to throw to. Meanwhile, the Bores weren’t able to build that big of a lead and a good punt return by Myles Price led to a great TD run by Jordan Mason that put Minnesota down by six points. After a missed field goal by Cairo Santos, McCarthy again fizzled out, but he would get one last chance to be a hero. And he didn’t disappoint, as the good version of Nine came out to play and completed big time passes. The only problem is that the GheyKings(a subtle reference there) were in position to force Chicago to call all of their timeouts in the red zone and instead McCarthy went for the jugular right away as he threw a TD pass to Jordan Addison that gave Minnesota the lead(the PAT by Will Reichard actually did). But some 15 or 20 seconds could have been taken off the clock and instead a bad dumbnamic kickoff returned by Devin Duvernay set up the Bores in a position to force K’OC to call the two remaining timeouts for the ViQueens while getting into comfortable field goal range for Santos. After that happened, a failed third down conversion that came up just short of the MIN 30-yard line forced Ben Johnson to run the clock and call timeout with only three seconds left. The field goal unit for Chicago came out and Santos kicked a 48-yard ball that barely squeaked through the left upright to win the game for the Bores, who now sit at 7-3 and on top of the NFC Norteh. Another heartbreaking home loss for MinuteSoda, which is familiar with kicker heartache all too well. At 4-6, the GheyKings are the best last place team in football, but they are in the CFS for the third time. Stuck in between a rock and a hard place, a couple of road games are on tap for the purple PeopleEater team as they face the Grinch Bay Fatkers and Seattle SamChickens in must-win games. We’ll see what happens going forward for this team that always seems to struggle with making the playoffs in consecutive seasons. That loss occurred a little after 2 p.m Central Time and in a time zone to the east, there was another dramatic game featuring a team at home desperate for a win.

That other home team in the afternoon window looking for a home win were the Atlanta ChokingBirds, who were at a record of 3-6 and desperate for a win to keep themselves in the NFC Sourth race. They hosted the Artists Formerly Known as the Carolina Punthers at the Birds Nest Stadium, which hosted a game between these two teams on the fifth day of the calendar year that was an OT win for Carolina. The game started with touchdown drives by both teams in the first quarter, with the Atlanta offense under Magic Mike Penix Jr scoring two TDs in the second quarter. The Black KittyKATs got a field goal to end the half down by 11 points, with them getting a TD to start out the second half. A two-point conversion attempt failed for the Black KittyKATs, who forced a fumble on the next ChokingBirds’ possession. Then, Magic Mike got hurt on a sack that ended the next drive for Atlanta with a serious ankle injury that knocked him out for the game(and could potentially keep him on the mend for the rest of the year). That meant KirkoChainz Cousins was coming in to play for the rest of the game, with him coming in after Carolina kicked another field goal. A crazy fourth quarter with empty possessions on both sides happened and a failed fourth down conversion by the Punthers led to a score for the ChokingBirds, but it was a field goal made by Zane Gonzalez. The Carolina offense responded with a big drive that ended with a touchdown pass by Bryce Young to Tetairoa McMillan and a two-point conversion that was successful. Up by three points, the Black KittyKATs had a secure-enough lead, but Kirko had some time to lead his team’s offense into field goal range and Gonzalez made a 45-yard kick to tie the game at 27. This game went into overtime and Atlanta received possession first, where Cousins unfortunately led a drive that ended in a three and out. The ensuing punt went down to the 30-yard line and Carolina got a big play right away as Young found Tommy “Shiver Me” Tremble(s) for a massive gain of 54 yards into the red zone. The game-winning field goal was already set up and it was made by Tyler Fitzgerald to give the Black KittyKATs a massive W that puts them a half game behind the Tampa Bay(ker) MayfieldNeers. As for the ChokingBirds, they choked at home again and their young QB’s season could be done. They will try to stay out of the cellar in the NFC Sourth as they travel to the Bayou to take on the New Orleans Aints, who somehow beat the Punthers in their game that occurred before their bye week. So, there is a chance for this team to be in the top echelon of sucky teams if they lose to NOLA. Yikes.

Finally, we go up to Rocky Mountain High to break down a high-stakes AFC Wusst matchup between the Kansas City Chefs and the Denver Donkeys. Well behind the first place Donkeys coming out of their bye week, the Chefs were desperate for a win in the Mile High City to get themselves in a better position in the division standings and in the AFC playoff picture. The game was a defensive field goal fest early on, with Patrick MaHonEs and Bo Nix both looking offensively flustered early on. The second half started with a near pick-6 thrown by MaHonEs, but it was negated due to a defensive penalty on Denver. Getting into the red zone, the Chefs had a chance to get a touchdown, but MaHonEs threw a ball that was picked off on third and long for a massive return by JaQuan McMillan. The Donkeys would capitalize on this with a touchdown drive that had KC respond with a massive 61-yard pass by MaHonEs that led to a 2-yard TD run by Kareem Hunt. A field goal by Denver to start out the fourth quarter was responded on by a deep pass interference penalty drawn by the Chefs, who scored another TD on a pass by MaHonEs to Travis Kelce. But the ensuing PAT was blocked by the Donkeys, who lost at ArrowHead last season on a blocked field goal by Leo Chenal on Will Lutz to end the game. So, this was an instance of blocked kick payback by Denver and it would end up being huge. After a couple of punts, the Donkeys got a game-tying field goal to knot up the score at 19. The Chefs wouldn’t do anything on their next drive and the Donkeys would not give up the ball for the rest of the game. A massive pass by Nix to Troy Franklin got the ball into the red zone after Andy Reid had called all of his team’s timeouts. The field goal unit came on for Denver and Lutz would not have the game-winning kick blocked this time. The kick was good and the Donkeys beat KC to solidify their division lead over the Kingdom at 3 and a half games. A devastating loss by the Chefs, who are now 5-5 through 10 games. Wow. That’s a rough reckoning. The AFC Wusst is pretty much out of reach for them now, so their only realistic avenue is sneaking through the Wild Card. But all three Wild Card teams have beaten Kansas City and hold the head-to-head tiebreaker over them. So, it’s going to be a rough formula to have the Chefs into the playoffs. There was also another almost game-winning kick in the afternoon window as the Seattle SamChickens nearly beat the Lost Mangeles BlackLambs with a game-winning kick of a 61-yard field goal by Jason Myers sailing wide right. So, it was a wild Sunday to say the least. Let’s see if something like this occurs later on in the season and if those losses decrease or absolutely destroy those teams’ playoff chances, then it will certainly be mentioned in the CFS.

• Waiting List: New Yuck GlennJUTS, New Orleans Aints, Arizona BlackyBirds(47 Completions By Brissett And They Still Lose By Nearly 20 Pts), Cincinatta Bungles(Ja’Marr Chase Getting Himself Suspended For Spitting On Jalen Ramsey), Getting Blown Out Heading Into Your Bye Week, Losing A Shootout In BufferLow, Going For It On Fourth Down Time After Time And Failing Time After Time, Thanksgiving Travel Plans Complicated By Airport Delays And Flight Cancellations