Inspirational Thought of the Week

Many years since I was here
On the street I was passin’ my time away
To the left and to the right, buildings towering to the sky
It’s outta sight in the dead of night

(Ooh) Here I am, and in this city
(Ooh) With a fistful of dollars 
And baby, you’d better believe 

I’m back, back in the New York Groove 
I’m back, back in the New York Groove 
I’m back, back in the New York Groove 
Back in the New York Groove, in the New York Groove

“New York Groove” by Ace Frehley

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located well away from that massive city that’s grooving towards some dark times, we have been pondering the state of a metro area that has not one but two NFL franchises. Gotta assume people will come out for two franchises cuz it’s the two biggest cities in Murica right? Well, not exactly. One of the cities has two pretty solid teams right now, the only problem is that they placed them in an area that became the ultimate NFL fan melting pot due to transplants making up a big bulk of the population. The other city used to have both teams play within its borders in boroughs, but the fresh grass of the Garden State came calling for them both and they couldn’t resist the temptation. So, the two teams in the same metro area in the east play in the same stadium but in that different state that’s south of their Big City that they still have in their name. That’s what happens when a city becomes too cramped to host a football stadium. Gotta look to the suburbs, right? Even if that suburb they moved to is in a different state. Golly, geography really doesn’t matter in this world. All about convenience of location and turning a profit based off your false flag regional moniker. Well, the football gods have spoken and their dissent of that move for both of these teams decades ago has come back to haunt them dearly.

I mention this because both of those teams find themselves in the Floundering Five this week. One of them remains at the top(bottom), while the other found itself in the Coveted Fifth Spot due to a massive blown lead in the fourth quarter in a game they were dominating until shade covered the mile high field they were playing on and the home team’s offense came to life. So, that will be interesting to dissect. The other three teams who made the cut into the list this week are in due to bad play this past week, including one them who didn’t score at all. Being shut out is grounds for entering the FF, even if your record is better than a team who was on the list last week. So, in honor of Ace Frehley and KISS, let’s strutter into this list of stinky teams.

With apologies to Justin Fields, Jaylen Waddle, Shy Tuttle, AJ Cole, and Brian Daboll, here are the post-Week 7 Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. New Yuck GlennJUTS(0-7)

So, the JUTS are in this top bottom spot for the fourth straight week after they lost a slopfest of a game against the Carolina Black KittyKATs, who only needed to score one touchdown and have two field goals in order to win. After a half of low efficiency, Justin Fields was benched and Tyrod Taylor came in to try and right the ship. Unfortunately, he could not generate much offense as the Gangrene team went without a touchdown for the second straight week. Only a combined 17 points scored(five field goals along with a safety) in spite of holding their opponents to low totals. The defense right now ain’t the problem in New Yuck, it’s the offense. And that is sadly unfortunate for Aaron Glenn, who went from being the defensive coordinator of a team that clawed its way from the bottom to the top to going back down to the bottom for one of his former employers. How unfortunate. Whoever the QB is for the JUTS next week will be interesting to see as they glide their way to Cincinnata to take on the Bungles, who had a surprise victory with Joe Flacco as QB in the IcyHot Bowl over the RodgersBurgh Stellers. Flacco used to be on the JUTS for a couple of seasons as a backup that saw some action for this team going through a revolving door of QBs dating back 50 years to when they were still playing in Queens and had Joe Willy Namath at QB. So, it will be an awkward reunion with a shorter term “Jersey Joe” on Sunday and it might be a chance to win… or a chance to continue their winless start to 2025. But they do have an easier schedule ahead and one of the teams they could potentially beat in their latter 10 games of the season are the…

2. Miami DolphLundgrens(1-6)

Yep, the Dragos went to Cleveland and got crushed by the Halloween-jersey wearing Clowns like they got beaten by Rocky Balboa in Rocky IV(a movie I have never seen in my life, sorry Stallone, you aren’t my style). They didn’t score a TD and only managed six points but unlike their GlennJUT rivals that they beat for their only win of the season, their defense could not play in the rainy windy conditions in Cleveland. Tua Tagovailoa did not play well at all in this Blanket Fight of the Week: Battle Between Southpaw Hawaiian QBs. Dillon Gabriel did better on the other hand and had a good running back to hand it off to in Quinshon Judkins, who rocked the Phins defense like a hurricane with three TDs on the ground. A fumbled kickoff led to one of those TDs and a scoreless second half forced Mike McDaniel to bench the QB who called out his teammates last week after a tight loss at home and put in the rookie backup Quinn Ewers, who wasn’t able to lead a scoring drive either. The ClownShow beat the Delphins to stay out of these rankings and this is ironic considering that both of these teams could easily correlate with the two newest teams in Banana Ball. The Loco Beach Coconuts(a bit more Hawaiian themed, but Florida has that tropical feel as well) and the Indianapolis Clowns(the return of a famed Negro Leagues team that kept on going for many years after that league for African-American baseball players folded) are very emblematic of both teams who played in Cleveland on Oct 19, 2025 and they shall begin play in the 2026 Banana Ball World Tour. For the Delphins, they sure looked clownish and now will face off against another team with a lefty QB in the Atlanta ChokingBirds, who had Magic Mike Penix take a beating on Sunday night football. So, not sure if he will be available but Tua will be as the Phins aren’t willing to bench him yet and Stephen Ross does not have the balls to fire the Fake Minority head coach just yet. Wait a little longer and it might happen, probably before this horrid month of October ends. We shall see down in MyAmMe.

3. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(1-6)

Speaking of teams who have fired their head coach, the Buffoons down south(but not as south as South Beach) decided to can Brian Callahan right before their matchup against the New VrabelLand PottyHats, whose head coach happens to be Mike Vrabel, who returned to NashBille for the first time since Amy Adams Strunk fired him after the 2023 season. Mike McCoy’s Tennessee coaching debut as interim HC didn’t go so bad at first. Cam Ward was playing well and the Buffoons held a brief lead in the first half a couple of times over the Pots. Then, Drake Maye did what he did best and took over the game. Also the New VrabelLand defense did as well, with a pathetic slipped ball by Ward leading to an easy money defensive TD. There was no other scoring in this game after that as the Titanic B’Foons lost 31-13 with a scoreless second half. Now at 1-6, they will go take on Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies, who are 6-1 after scoring 38 against the Lost Mangeles Dolts. At the bottom of the AFC Sourth yet again, Tennessee has hit Rocky Bottom, along with their Vols losing to Bama on Saturday night. Ouchie!

4. BradyD00rs of the Punk Carr0ll Ark(2-5)

So, we might have had two teams lose after not having a single scoring drive in the second half. But the Silver and BlackJack team razed us a scoreless game, the second instance of such in the first seven weeks of this season. After breaking their losing streak, the BradyDoors went to take on the Kansas City Chefs, who are starting to get hot again after an 0-2 start and Patrick MaHonEs led four straight long TD drives to start out the game(leading into the second half) and utilized the return of Rashee Rice to his team’s advantage. The problem with that time drain was that the Punk Carroll Ark offense didn’t have much time on the field and that was lessened due to the horrible play of Geno Smith, who only threw the ball 16 times and completed 10 of those passing attempts for a measly 67 yards. Being true to the Gen Alpha phrase of love I see. The Chefs defense had the Doors completely shut out in both aspects of the game and AJ Cole only had to punt six times as a couple of turnovers(on downs and a fumble) also happened for this EyePatched team. Not surprisingly, Kenny PickettShovel made an appearance as a garbage time QB replacement and this once great franchise from the 1970s and 80s went to a record of 2-5 with a 31-0 shutout heading into their bye week. Hopefully they can make strides and do well in their Week 9 matchup against the Jack In The Cracked Jags, who haven’t been doing well of late offensively speaking. There could have been another blowout that occurred with an AFC Wusst team other than these Ark Boys, but instead a massive comeback occurred by that team. Onto that we go!

5. Back In The New Yuck Groove With A G.I-Ant ChokeJob For The Ages: Mile High Madness In The Fourth Quarter Leads To Another Road Heartbreak For Big Blue(0-a load of broken TVs in Jersey)

So, what are the odds that a team who defeated the defending champions in their most recent matchup and were set to play on the road against a playoff team from last season who defeated the Phatterdelphia Seagles would end up in the Coveted Fifth Spot? That’s a hard question to answer, so I’ll provide a summarization of it. For the first(or second) solo-team CFS of this season, we are going to the Mile High City, where the Denver Donkeys were facing the certainty of being blown out by a team with a rookie QB at the helm and a solid defense as well. This would have made this note a trifecta in joining the Jack in The Cracked Jags and Lost Mangeles Dolts as “home teams” in the AFC that got beaten badly on Sunday the 19th of October in the year of our Lord 2025. Instead, it turned into a comeback of the century on a day where Denver was honoring one of its deceased players(a gone-too-soon Demaryius Thomas, who died of a seizure in 2021) at halftime and then had his spirit descend on the team on the field and led them on a fourth quarter comeback rarely if ever seen in NFL history. The team who somehow choked against the Donkeys and gave up an absurd amount of points in the fourth quarter will be analyzed in this note. And that team is(or used to play in) New York, where the late-great guitarist Ace Frehley described as having a groove unlike anywhere else.

Since we have already mentioned the GlennJUTS(who Denver played in London the week before and beat by two points), it has to be the Big Blue Bums known as the New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants. Heading into this game, the Fe Fi Foh Fumers were 2-4 after an impressive victory on Thursday night football at home over the Seagles. A rare home primetime win for the G.I-Ants was satisfactory, but they had a chance to try and take their show on the road and win away from East Rutherford, New Jersey. They faced the Donkeys and got off to a good start in the rather warm Mile High climate. The sun bared down on Empower Field and the Army Ants dominated the Denver offense in the first half. Bo Nix couldn’t do anything against them and Jaxson Dart was able to lead two TD drives(one of which ended with a missed PAT). Up 13-0 at halftime, it was a good start for Big Blue. But then shade started covering the field as the sun sunk in the clear Rocky Mountain sky and the second half could prove to be a bit different. However in the third quarter, the Donkeys punted twice and the Army Ants score another TD, then decided to go for two to make up for the missed extra point. They didn’t convert but were still up three possessions by the uncanny score of 19-0. The next drive for Denver had a big chunk play occur with a strong run by J.K “The Joker” Dobbins getting the ball into New Yuck territory. The fourth quarter would show that this game wasn’t going to be a mere shoutout, as the Donkeys scored their first points of the game on a deflected pass in the end zone caught by Troy Franklin and in natural competitive mode, the Mad Hatter Sean Payton had his offense attempt a two-point conversion that they successfully turned on a Nix pass to Courtland Sutton. It was now 19-8, but the G.I-Ants offense responded in kind with a deflected TD pass of their own, this one a little longer in going off the hands of Wan’Dale Robinson and being caught by Theo Johnson, who ran it in for a lucky score. The made PAT made it 26-8 and a play like that should have been an obvious sign that this was Big Blue’s day and it was their game to lose. That phrase would reign true, as Denver attempted a Mile High comeback that came true.

Another long drive occurred for the Donkeys offense and they were aided by a pass interference call on a fourth down pass by an Army Ants defender. Nix led a strong drive that had him scramble into the end zone for another score and knowing the situation of the score, Payton had his offense go for two again. They converted again and the deficit was now just 10 points with a little over five minutes left. But with the clock in their favor and a potential situation for all of the timeouts of the opposing team to be taken, Big Blue was still in comfortable position. All of that changed due to a bad decision by the rookie Dart, who decided to try and throw a ball on third down after two timeouts had been taken by Denver. The pass by Dart was a duck and was intercepted by a defender named Justin Strnad, who ran all the way into the red zone to give the Donkeys a chance to go down by one possession. A rookie mistake by the QB who puts black eye paint near his left eye to look like Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith. An offside penalty helped get Denver into goal to go position as Nix threw a pass into the end that was caught by RJ Harvey for a TD. The ensuing extra point made this only a three-point game with under four minutes left. Oh boy. The Army Ants’ offense went three and out as Payton used his team’s final timeout, with a deep pass by Dart landing incomplete to give the Donkeys even more time to either tie the game or take the lead. With over two and a half minutes left, a couple of negative plays occurred to start the drive. But on third down, Nix threw a deep pass to Marvin Mims, who caught the ball and went out of bounds for a massive gain of 31 yards. Being right on the edge of field goal range, the Denver offense got into the red zone before the two-minute warning and after the break on the next play Nix had his fourth touchdown of the fourth quarter by scrambling into the end zone for the go-ahead score! You have got to be kidding me, said a load of Big Blue fans watching this collapse around the nation. The score was now 30-26 and it could have been 30-27 or 30-28 if not for a missed PAT by kicker Jude McAtamney and a missed two-point conversion by the offense. So, it was now up to Dart to lead a bold drive in order to make the home team pay for scoring “too soon”.

A kickoff into the end zone by Will Lutz had a touchback happen and that meant favorable position at the 35-yard line for the G.I-Ants offense. Dart got split sacked to start the drive and New Yuck still had one timeout left, but Brian Daboll elected not to take it at this moment with Dart throwing a deep pass that was incomplete on second down and a third down delay of game penalty occurred to make things even harder on the rookie. Dart threw another incomplete pass on third down and on 4th & 19, the game was on the line. But somehow Dart completed a daring pass up the middle to Robinson, who dove out to the line to gain and might have been short of it. But that didn’t matter as a flag was on the field for roughing the passer on a Donkeys defender. Just like that, the Big Blue offense was in opponent territory. After an injury timeout and a couple of incompletions, it was third down again and Dart threw a deep pass to the right that was incomplete but there was a flag on the field for pass interference on Denver. Making matters even better was that it occurred near the end zone and that made Sean Payton very unhappy as he went onto the field to argue with the refs. The Mad Hatter got called for unsportsmanlike conduct, moving the ball inches closer to the goal line. So, with around 40 seconds left, the Army Ants were on the verge of scoring and retaking the lead. The very next play had Dart run and reach out to break the plane, which he did for the go-ahead score. But with Denver not having any timeouts and the G.I-Ants having one, it could have been a more wise decision to not score and let the clock run down so that there would be little time for the Donkeys to respond. The dynamic kickoff in 2025 really does make end-of-game decisions more dynamic and complex. Unfortunately, bad kicking does too, as Jude McAtamney missed another PAT wide right and the lead for New Yuck was suddenly very unprotected. Denver could now win the game with a field goal on their next drive and Nix had a chance to make the Army Ants pay for scoring “too soon” now. With under 40 seconds left, the kickoff return occurred and the kick returner was taken down at the 23-yard line. So, there was a ways to go with no timeouts for the Donkeys. A sack by the Big Blue defense could basically seal off the game and a tackle in-bounds short of field goal range could be fatal as well. But on the first play, Nix threw a pass up the middle that was caught by Mims and the tackle occurred in bounds. The Denver offense hurried to spike the ball to stop the clock but helping them in this matter was an injured defender for the Army Ants who failed to get onto his side of the line of scrimmage in time. Brian Burns was trailing from behind and the ball was snapped by Nix well before he got onside, with a flag being thrown for a neutral zone infraction. Before the next play, Daboll called his team’s final timeout to draw up a good defensive formation to defend against the next pass from Nix, who would have to throw a ball to a receiver who got out of bounds in field goal range. If that didn’t happen and the clock was still running, a spike would be almost hard to get off with time left on the clock. Well, Nix took that gamble, completed a pass to Sutton, who was then tackled down in bounds, and the clock kept running. The ball was given to the ref, both the offense and defense hurried downfield and the spike snap occurred with two seconds remaining on the clock. So, now it would be a 39-yard field goal by Will Lutz for the win. The kick went up and it was… good. The Donkeys had completed an insane fourth quarter comeback where they scored all their 33 points and beat another team from New Yuck by a very slim margin. This was a devastating defensive breakdown from the Army Ants. After eight straight drives of not allowing a score, the Big Blue defense lost control and ran out of breathing room in the Mile High environment. An incredible comeback to say the least by Denver, but some unfortunate errors on the offensive and defensive end and on special teams allowed this chokejob to happen. How the G.I-Ants bounce back from this, I don’t know. But their next opponent will be the Phatterdelphia Seagles on the road after beating them at home in Week 6. That will be an interesting matchup to watch, as they look to sweep Saquon Barkley after getting swept by him the year before. But another devastating road loss for this team on the upswing offensively, with the other game where they scored “too soon” a couple of times being an OT loss to the Dellas ShotBoys in JerryWorld. Two losses like that in a season like this is rough. Could be 4-3 or 3-4, but instead are 2-5 and remain solely in last place in a rather competitive NFC Least this season. That’s rough, man.

• Waiting List: New Orleans Aints, Beltimore RuffHens, Arizona YellowBeaks, A Few Defensive Beatdowns in Primetime, Losing The IcyHot Bowl To A QB Who Has Drifted Around More Than You Have, Losing Badly In Big D, Missed Red Zone Opportunities Leading To Another Tough Loss, Halloween Costume Prices And Candy Deals At Grocery Shops