Inspirational Thought of the Week

I’ve got a flaming road of karma and a mobile phone
I was raised by the radio in a broken home,
I’ve got a broken smile and an arrogant line
I’m really no-one special but I’m in my prime.

I’ve got a hard body girlfriend
I’ve got a wallet full of cash,
You can bury my body
I’m just North London Trash
I’ve got a flaming road of karma and I’ll do it alone
I grew up with the TV in a broken home,
I’ve got match of the day, black converse
I’m really no-one special, but I’ve seen you do much worse.

I’ve got a hard body girlfriend
She helps me spend my cash,
Then we roll on my floorboards
Like nouveau North London Trash

“North London Trash” by Razorlight

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where a lot of garbage is picked up and sent to some unknown waste management plant, we have been pondering the meaning of those three words in the song above. North, London and trash aren’t really words that collide with each other, but they are the perfect three words to describe a lot of the teams in the Floundering Five this week. One of the teams actually played in the northern part of London and looked very trashy to say the least(even though they only lost by a couple of points). Another team looked like trash in a BFOTW matchup and that was the last straw needed to fire their failure of a head coach. Another team looked like disorganized trash on their home field in their home dome in a withering home-field advantage due to a rebuild in what was once one of the weakest divisions in the league. Then, another team lost in heartbreaking fashion and that set off a green light for their QB to go scorched earth on some of his teammates to the press due to missed players-only meetings or showing up late to those meetings(another in-season firing of a head coach might be on the way there).

Finally, we get to the Coveted Fifth Spot, where we have an entire division that was once one of the strongest divisions in the NFL fall into a state of suck that nobody saw coming. Only one team has a positive record in that division and the other three teams are on three-games-or-longer losing streaks and running around like their heads got chopped off. I could have easily put two of them in the top-two, but I felt this was a perfect trifecta opportunity for the CFS. Not bad indeed. As some people may also know, we are in the playoffs for baseball and as the LCS’s occur there aren’t any teams in the immediate Floundering Five bubble in those cities. But there are a couple of teams who have been stumbling as the baseball teams in their metropolis/state have been eliminated from World Series contention. So, that’s painfully ironic. Let’s see if this FF list knocks it out of the park, or if it at least makes it out of the infield for Pete’s sake.

With apologies to Andre Cisco, Brian Callahan, Jack Stoll, Storm Duck, Carson Schwesinger, “Snoop” Huntley and Skaka Heyward, here are the post-Week 6 Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. New Yuck GlennJUTS(0-6)

So, the team known as Gang Green flew over the Atlantic Ocean(and other bodies of water) to play in London against the Denver Donkeys and that game was as sloppy as poorly made eggs and bacon for breakfast for the American viewers watching back in the States. I know London games can be pretty weird, but this one was so sloppy that it could have been considered an actual Premier League game(if field goals didn’t count for three points). One touchdown was scored and it wasn’t by New Yuck, which had a few kicks by Nick Folk and a lucky safety due to a holding penalty in the end zone that gave them a brief one-point lead. But Bo Nix did just enough to barely edge out Justin Fields, who looked like a lost puppy against the blitzes brought by Vance Joseph. The JUTS had one last chance after Denver kicked a field goal to retake the field, but following an incomplete pass that was bobbled by Garrett Wilson, their offense decided to go for it on a fourth and eight from the Donkeys’ 44-yard line(would’ve been a 62-yard kick for the elder Folk kicker) and Fields got sacked for the NINTH TIME(an Ed Rooney reference there) in the game. Another close and pathetic-losing loss for the GlennJUTS, who will not have a bye week following this failed airstrike in London(unlike the Luftwaffe in WWII). That’s two years in a row losing in London in Week 5 and coming back to the USA to play a home game, except instead of a Monday night football game it’s going to be a Sunday afternoon duel with the 3-3 Carolina Black KittyKATs, who were in this top bottom spot a lot a couple of years ago but have graduated from the Floundering Five in being a good team at home. Something has got to give in between the Punthers’ bad road record and the purely sucky record of these GlennJUTS, whose head coach and new namesake has not been fired yet(unlike the Cheerleader, who lasted for parts of 4 seasons until this point last year). However, we did have a head coach fired after Week 5 and the team who did it are the..

2. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(1-5)

Yep, after losing to the BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark in failing to win two out of three games on their road trip(a lucky win in Arizona due to a dropped ball by Emari Demercado short of the end zone that spurred a pretty wild comeback), the Titanic Buffoons front office fired head coach Brian Callahan, who joins a massive list of coaches fired during the rookie seasons of number one pick QBs. Joining Matt Eberflus, Frank Reich, Urban Meyer, Hue Jackson and Jeff Fisher, among others, Callahan couldn’t get this team off to a good start in an AFC Sourth division that has surprisingly been taken over by Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies and the Jack In The Cracked Jags. Being 4-19 over 23 games isn’t good and they probably regret firing Mike Vrabel after only a couple of lousy seasons following a three-year run this franchise hadn’t seen since the likes of Steve “Air” McNair led them to SB34. At least they have an experienced interim to right the ship for the rest of the season as Mike McCoy(who once coached the formerly-named San Diago Dolts from 2013-16) will be getting another chance at being a head coach. McCoy will hopefully put some Bones spirit into curing this team of their horrible disease of losing by tough margins and not being able to protect their rookie QB up front. Hopefully with a few former Vikings and UCLA players(shoutout to Oli Udoh, Dorian Mausi, James Lynch, Femi Oladejo, Jihad Ward and Xavier Woods), the Buffoons can hopefully close out this season strong as a more-than-likely last place team for the second straight season. The road ahead won’t be easy, as the New VrabelLand PottyHats come to town as a first-place team with Mike Vrabel’s return to NashBille after his true team defeated the…

3. New Orleans Aints(1-5)

Continuing on with our three-dot connection so far in these first three slots, the Aints suffered their third home defeat so far this season(a rough predicament considering that four of their first six games were at the StupidDome) and that they have lost all three of those home games by a close margin of at least one possession(a combined total of 18 points to be exact). In this game against the PottyHats, NOLA only cracked the end zone once on a one-yard run by Taysom Hill(who returned from his ACL injury in style) and they had to settle for four field goals by Blake Grupe, who is a good guy to have on your fantasy team. But New VrabelLand proved to be too much with Drake Maye having a good encore performance to his Sunday night thriller last week and receivers such as Kayshon Shake Yo Boutte, Demario Pop Douglas and Stefon Miracle Man Diggs were too much for the Aints, who also had a tough fumble situation go against them in the fourth quarter. Losing by the obscure score of 25-19, the Fleur-de-Lis squad now sits in last place of a pretty powerful NFC Sourth where all the other teams have three or more wins. So, now the Aints must march into Chicago to take on a 3-2 Bores team with Ben Johnson as its head coach with three straight wins under their fur. If only this could be a BFOTW between first-year head coaches, but since the Bores are good that won’t be the case. Alas, I also cannot continue this connection thread to the number four spot on this list, unless I find some way to link Gamblin’ Dan Campbell’s coaching career between the three and four teams.

4. Miami Delphins/Aryans(1-5)

So, the team that wears white jerseys at home for the most times during the first half of the regular season had a devastating roller coaster defeat against the Lost Mangeles Dolts, who nearly lost after choking a 13-point lead in the fourth quarter, but because the Phins scored “too soon” that gave Justin Herbert all the time he needed to get his team into field goal range and have Dicker the Kicker make a game-winning kick with only five seconds to spare. That makes it two straight weeks of losing at the leg of the opposing kicker, tough luck to say the least. But after this tough loss, Tua Tagovailoa went off on his teammates whom did not attend players-only meetings(that may or may not have happened behind the back of the Fake Minority coach Mike McDaniel) in his postgame press conference. That was an uncool move and something that would not have happened if the Phins won. Let’s also mention that Tua had his own struggles as he threw three interceptions(two that led to 10 Dolts points) and a missed kick by Riley Patterson didn’t help matters either. But with three losses in tight situations, this team could be in a better position in a very sucky AFC with a lot of teams that are FF worthy. Speaking of which, the next game for the “Aryans” will be against one of the teams in a division that has fallen to be one of the worst ones in football after being one of the best for the past few seasons. And that is the subject matter of the CFS posted right below.

5. The Complete Collapse of the AFC Norteh: Three Teams With Sucky Records & No Signs Of Turning Things Around Anytime Soon(0-a bunch of angry griping)

As mentioned above, this is the subject matter for the Coveted Fifth Spot this week. This division was once one of the best divisions in football, with a load of playoff berths from all of its teams combined over the past several seasons. Averaging a strong overall winning percentage due to most of its teams being competitive to a degree, the AFC Norteh has sadly fallen into a state of disarray and disgust with active losing streaks by three of its teams plunging the division to be similar to how the AFC Sourth or NFC Sourth was in recent years. Sometimes divisions go through these low periods, but nobody saw this period coming so fast. But this occurs when you have a couple of major QB injuries, some bad results in out-of-division games and a whole lot of nasty bad stuff. So, let’s break down the three teams who are weighing down the AFC Norteh and this also involves the one team with a solid record in the division looking to take advantage of having an all-time legend at QB for only one guaranteed season.

First, let’s talk about the Cleveland ClownShow and how they are back to being a sucky team yet again for the second straight season. The 41st man to play at QB for the reborn orange-helmet franchise(without stripes on their lids) made his American stateside debut after making his official pro debut in a London game that was barely lost by this team. The man’s name is Dillon Gabriel, who unfortunately had himself a rough Sunday against the defense of the RodgersBurgh Stellers, who cruised to a 23-9 lead after holding Cleveland out of the end zone and forcing them to kick three field goals. The game turned on the beat-up field of AcreSure Stadium on a roughing the punter penalty on the ClownShow and that led the namesake of the home team in Aaron Rodgers to lead a TD drive that extended the lead to a seemingly insurmountable 13 points for the Clowns, who did not commit a turnover but couldn’t crack the end zone as Gabriel got sacked a lot. At 1-5, the ClownShow will have a chance to rebound in their first true home game in nearly a month as they face the equally dysfunctional Miami Delphins in a Blanket Fight of the Week: Opposite Climates of Weather Edition. So, maybe they can bounce back from this rough defeat and potentially have a chance to not be in last place in this sorry division.

The reason why that is the case is due to the Beltimore RuffHens and their horrid four-game losing streak since their only win of the season against the ClownShow. Having a home record of 1-3 is not good, with a load of points given up by their defense so far this season. After trading star defensive pass rusher Odafe Oweh to the Dolts, the RuffHens faced the Lost Mangeles Lambs in a game that they could have easily won if they had better offensive execution and Lamar Jackson available. Neither of those things happened as an opening drive field goal by Tyler Loop served to be the only points scored by Beltimore in this awful game, with an interception thrown by stand-in QB Cooper Rush and a couple of turnovers on downs occurring, including when they had three plays inside the two-yard line of LM and they could not crack the end zone on any of those plays. The Lambs had a field goal themselves to make the score a 3-3 draw at halftime and then they scored two touchdowns to start the second half, including one that came after another fumble by Zay Flowers. An aborted ball by Rush forced John Harbaugh to bring in Tyler “Snoop” Huntley, who is back on the roster for the RuffHens after starting a Wild Card game for them a few seasons ago that they lost. Unfortunately, Snoop Huntley got sacked like a rag doll and failed to crack the end zone as Beltimore had another bad performance at their Fake Bank Stadium for Men & Thugs. The defense at least tried to hold down the fort under Zach Orr, but the offense was nowhere to be found. King Henry couldn’t do crap and the Lambs got their first win over the RuffHens in a long time. At 1-5, the Hens go into their bye week with a chance to be in last place on their own due to Cleveland playing against MyAmMe, who Beltimore will play after a disjointed third straight home game against the Chicago Bores, who are looking better than what they were last season. So, watch out RuffHens, you are in for some more hell this season if you can’t turn things around faster than a crow caws.

Finally, we go to the Cincinnata Bungles, who have resumed their sucky ways after a couple of good seasons with Joe Burreaux healthy and leading this team to two consecutive AFC Championship Games at BurrowHead Stadium. After a couple of mediocre finishes short of the playoffs, Cincy was hoping to have a better start to their season than what they had produced in the past few years. It seemed like things were turning around after a 2-0 record, but they lost modern Joe Cool to a turf toe injury that might affect him for the rest of his professional career. Jake Browning failed to keep the good times going after a solid second half against the Jack In The Cracked Jags, with blowout losses against My Minnesota Vikings Who Enjoyed Their Bye Week In Resting Some Banged-Up Bodies and the Denver Donkeys. Another almost blowout against the Dumtroit Flyins dropped the Bungles to 2-3 and that forced them to go out and acquire a better QB on the trade market. Ironically, they got that player to fill that need from their in-state rivals in the Cleveland ClownShow, whom Cincinnata had not made a in-season trade with since the Dawg Pound was resurrected in 1999. How ironic and desperate. So, they got Joe Flacco for a bag of chips and they hoped that he would potentially have a chance to beat the Grinch Bay Fatkers twice(he beat those CheeseHeads in a sloppy defensive game for Cleveland in Week 3) in the same season. Except this time, the Fatkers played on their home turf in the not-yet Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field and they did a bit better offensively in this game. Flacco looked like a 40-year old QB in this game in the first half, which featured another doughnut on the scoreboard for the Bungles(though they could have gotten something from Evan McPherson, whose attempt at 67 yards was initially made but had to be redone due to a timeout called by NeedleNose Matt LaFleur and the redo was well short). Cincy did awaken in the second half with a long 17-play, 10-minute drive that ended in a Flacco TD pass, but the Grinch Bay offense scored on their next three drives to have them be at arm’s length. A nine-point loss for the Bungles occurred, so it wasn’t as bad as their previous three. Still, without Burrow, this team is pathetic and they might barely qualify as a playoff contender in an AFC filled with weak teams. But four straight Ls after losing your franchise QB is a tough pill to swallow, on top of their city’s baseball club getting beaten swiftly by the defending chumps in that sport earlier this month. So, for Cincy, it’s on to a short week home game against the RodgersBurgh Stellers, who will look to take advantage of the spotlight on Thursday night and make quick work of the Bungles. This could be a defensive game though due to the two-oldest active QBs in the game facing each other. Rodgers and Flacco might both be heading for retirement after this season and as two of the last members of the old guard to debut within the 2000s decade it will definitely be an interesting matchup. But the AFC Norteh could use some drama and this game might be the only chance for the strip-helmeted squad on the verge of the south and Midwest to stay in this rat race. We shall see if things get better or worse for this division down the line, cuz they are definitely trailing behind most of the other divisions in pro football right now.

• Waiting List: Arizona WhiteyBirds(can’t win since a memorial service for a martyred activist occurred in their stadium), BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark, Losing To Your Former RB Who Went Off On Your Defense, Losing Another Star Defender To A Season-Ending Injury, Losing Two In A Row After Starting Out 4-0, Fum-Billing The Ball Away On Monday Night, More Bye Weeks Coming And Going, Unnecessary Odd-Year Election Race Ads