Inspirational Thought of the Week

Michael Wilbon: Tony I think both of these are gonna happen. I think that…

Tony Kornheiser: What??!

Wilbon: Denver…

Kornheiser: What?!

Wilbon: Denver is pretty darn good and some of the things Denver’s really good at like run defense and Philadelphia’s shown no inclination to really force the ball downfield, the Broncos are pretty good at. I could see it, I’m not predicting it, I could see it. And Tony, we should’ve learned from last night’s San Francisco-L.A game, learn something from Rams-49ers. These division games are hard. In my confidence pool, I don’t ever pick like 15, 16, double-digit levels of confidence for division games.

Kornheiser: Okay, so don’t you think Buffalo watched last night? Don’t you think Buffalo says to itself “This can’t happen to us since it’s a division game and we’ll have to be better?

Wilbon: *hums a little in uncertainty*

Kornheiser: So you think both could lose? Wow!

Wilbon: I think both could. It wouldn’t shock me if both lose.

Kornheiser: That is a parlay I would not touch.

Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser on “Pardon The Interruption” episode on Fri, Oct 3, 2025 discussing whether both undefeated teams could lose in Week 5 and Wilbon giving his opinion that both BufferLow and Phatterdelphia could lose in their respective home games.

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where quite a few of these sports commentary shows are watched, we have been considering the power of predictions that are given throughout the history of the world. How could some people predict events such as floods, earthquakes, wars and others so precisely? Clearly this is epitomized in the French philosopher Nostradamus, who has been mostly right in predicting events that actually occurred well after his time ended. Everyone uses his name whenever someone predicts something and it turns out to actually happen. Nowhere is this more common than in the realm of sports, where superstitions and guessing reign supreme. Most of the time, those crazy predictions end up being wrong and far-flung. But apparently one of the few “experts” with a microphone ended up being correct for once in having a hot take that caused his co-host to be baffled.

Michael Wilbon was similar to Nostradamus, for at least one day when his prediction of the two remaining unbeaten teams in the NFL being defeated and that caused a rather early celebration for the remaining living members of the 1972 Miami Delphins to have their annual get-together of their perfect championship season still being intact(even if it was only with 14 regular season games and three playoff games in a time when home-field advantage was not rewarded to teams with the best records). Two very unlikely defeats on the home fields for those teams with a zero in the loss column have suddenly shifted the balances and showed how parity-filled this league is for the year of our Lord 2025 AD. Any given Sunday, right? Except those teams they were facing weren’t teams with awful records, but they were both mediocre with two wins and two losses through their first four weeks. So, they weren’t like upsets of the century, but they were still significant and surprising to many. Especially to those who were bold enough to put a wager on the underdog teams at least covering the spread in their games. Oh, they covered and then some. So, we got that to discuss in the Coveted Fifth Spot this week.

Also, there is one team which still remains without a win after five weeks and that team isn’t a surprising candidate for that title, considering they have the longest active playoff-appearance drought in North American professional sports(and maybe even the entire globe). But what is surprising is a few teams either entering the FF for the first time this season or re-entering after losing yet again. One of the newcomers of suck is definitely a big shocker, so brace yourselves. We are five weeks in, so give yourself a high-five if your team is in a good position or give yourself a pat on the back if your team is not on this list(but remains in the Waiting List). As for those of you who are fans of teams in this list, specifically the top four, I don’t know what to say. Go do something else, like Halloween candy shopping, landscaping or something productive because this ain’t that. Let’s go into it.

With apologies to Garrett Wilson, Cody Lindenberg, Mike Green, Kayvon Thibodeaux, Joshua Palmer and anyone wearing a Donovan McNabb jersey, here are the post-Week 5 Floundering Five Rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. New Yuck GlennJUTS(0-5)

So, going up to number one for the first time this season are the JUTS, who looked like urine for the first three-plus quarters against the Dellas ShotBoys in their home game in north Jersey. It was a bright and sunny day in the Tri-State area, so that made perfect sense for them to wear their All-Black threads. As the “Jets In Black”, they got completely crushed by the offense of the ShotBoys and couldn’t muster up much resistance offensively on their end. Justin Fields continued his offensive struggles as loads of punts along with a fumble by Breeeeece Hall led to a lot of Dellas points. At least they got an opening drive field goal to hold a lead at some point and then gave up thirty unanswered points to their opponent to not have it be a wire-to-wire victory. Nice to find something bright in a black hole of suckery. And New Yuck closed out the game by getting a couple of touchdowns and two-point conversions to not lose by as big of a margin as they could have. But Aaron Glenn looked incredibly defeated on the podium of his postgame press conference. Now at 0-5 for the third time in thirty seasons(2020 with Mono Sam Darnold and Adam GaseFace and in 1996 with a post-Sack Exchange defense and a couple of years before some guy named Vinny came to the rescue), the JUTS must fly themselves overseas to play against the Denver Donkeys in London, England at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. Last time that Gang Green was in Great Britain, they lost to My Minnesota Vikings Who Just Successfully Defended Their Perfect Record In The King’s City and they fired Robert Saleh, who is back at his old gig in Sand Fransicko. Maybe a loss could potentially lead Mr. Glenn back to his old role as defensive coordinator in Dumtroit, but the Flyins’ defense seems to be doing rather decent so far without his services. So, it looks like he is stuck and so is this franchise who hasn’t made a playoff appearance since 2010. The guy who was the QB for that team just got arrested after being stabbed and he was unable to be the color analyst for a game featuring the…

2. BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark(1-4)

That’s right, for the first time this season the Silver and BlackJack have cracked the top four of the Floundering Five. Following a surprising Week 1 victory against the New VrabelLand PottyHats, the BradyDoors have lost four straight games, including a couple of close home defeats on the Viva Las Vegas Strip and a couple of larger margin losses on the road. That includes a road game against Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies, who rebounded very well off a tough loss on the road to the Lost Mangeles Lambs with a 40-point performance fueled by Daniel “Indiana” Jones’ passing and Jonathan Taylor’s noble steed running. Also, a couple of turnovers by Geno “Cheesesteak” Smith helped as well, with the ‘Doors only scoring six points on two field goals made by Daniel Carlson, who made an early kick to at least give this team an early lead. But even worse than the JUTS above, the Punk Carroll Ark carriers gave up 40 unanswered points to the Hippies, who could have scored more if not for missed two-point attempts. But still it was a blowout that was thankfully(or not-so-thankfully) overshadowed by the unfortunate situation that Mark Travis John Sanchez found himself in when he decided to stay up late at night and get into a fight with an older gentleman who parked his truck in a bad area. Being drunk, Sanchez got himself stabbed, but not without causing injuries to the poor elderly man first. And Sanchez wasn’t the one who was beat up worse, the anonymous old man is. So, he was supposed to call this game for FUX Sports, but instead was replaced by another QB of his generation in Brady Quinn. Besides the Sanchez criminal charges, this game didn’t really have much drama over it. For the BradyDoors, they will look to stop the bleeding(like Mark Sanchez had to when carving up that poor old Indy man) as they return to the DeathStar Stadium to take on the Tennessee Titanic Buffoons, who just made an incredulous comeback against another desert oasis team. So, this isn’t going to be an easy game but it might as well be a Blanket Fight of the Week: Old AFL Teams Edition for two teams who used to be located in different cities and went by different names(for the Silver and BlackJack, they had a rather racist name that entails the formal title of a Hispanic man). So, the former Señors(oops, sorry) better win or they could find themselves back on this list next week.

3. Beltimore RuffHens(1-4)

Now to one of the more surprising rankings in recent Floundering Five memory(as recent as a couple of weeks ago) as the RuffHens of Beltimore are in this bronze spot of stinking for this week’s list. Some of you may be wondering what this team who used to be the original old Cleveland ClownShow did to deserve this fate, but I’ll simply say this: Their defense and offense and entire roster have not been playing like their team name. They have historically bad numbers in defensive stats like points per game and yards per game surrendered so far through the first five weeks of the season. And they have also choked two games that they could have won against elite opponents(see the post-Week 1 Floundering Five entry for the first disaster in primetime). Following a blowout loss against the Kansas City Chefs on the road, the RuffHens returned home to play against the Houston Texthens, who had the same record heading into this game as the Modell Birds did. But Beltimore would not have LamarKable Jackson available due to a hamstring injury that he supposedly suffered in Week 4, meaning that Cooper Rush had to start in his place. With an experienced backup like Rush(not to be confused with the Canadian rock band about to start a comeback tour), the RuffHens should’ve had a chance to be competitive with HousTon. But the opposite happened as C.J Stroud turned this game into a track meet where the home team got outclassed and outran in so many ways. Allowing your opponent to score on their first eight drives of the day is very unideal. And not having a good offense to counteract that didn’t help either. Just a bunch of empty drives led by Mr. Rush, who had a couple of interceptions in his sour game. John Harbaugh isn’t doing well as a head coach at the moment and things won’t be getting much easier, as the RuffHens play host to a team that they have played every other year since 2019(in spite of them being in a different conference, thanks a lot, 17-game schedule) in the Lost Mangeles Lambs, who just had their “home” stadium invaded by a bunch of their division rivals’ fans and they lost a game that they could have come back all the way to win. So, that will be interesting and whether Mr. LamarKable decides to return or not for that game is unknown. But when you have a bunch of your fans leave early, that’s a bad sign as a football team. Who could’ve thought a team considered by many bettors and oddsmakers to be a STUPID Bowl favorite could have such a crappy start? Well, as one famous movie character who founded a shrimp restaurant chain once said “Stupid is as stupid does”. That is indeed the case for the RuffHens and their bad five-game start this season.

4. New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(1-4)

Back in this list after sifting out of it last week(and in Week 2) the Army Ants are the only NFC team in the top four after they were beaten by the last winless team in that conference in the New Orleans Aints, who won their first game at their home StupidDome with a couple of lucky bounces in their direction(or unlucky for Big Blue). Amazingly enough, the G.I-Ants had a 14-3 lead in the second quarter, but they gave up 23 unanswered points, including on a fumble by Cam Skattebo that was returned for a touchdown for 87 yards. The rookie RB was so ticked that he asked for a new glove, something that Jaxson Dart could have used as he fumbled a ball by simply losing his grasp on it. Having five drives end in turnovers(fumbles and interceptions) is not a recipe for winning and the RattlerSnake on the other side took advantage of those mishaps in getting his first career win of his NFL career. So, now at 1-4, the Army Ants must turn around to play (another!) home primetime game as they host the Phatterdelphia Seagles, who just suffered an unpleasant fate in not being unbeaten any longer. It was just revealed that the front office for Big Blue turned down a trade request for SaQuads Barkley in 2023 only to lose him to free agency the next year. Yikes. That will be spicy as this third matchup between I-95 division rivals since Barkley took his talents to South Philly occurs on ThorsDay night football. Brian Daboll better get this team ready or they will be beaten, very badly, in primetime yet again. At least Deliver Me From Nowhere is coming out later this month and just like Bruce Springsteen in the early 80s, the Big Blue Bums are dealing with some very emotionally painful things. Hopefully they will be revived and can lift themselves to higher heights eventually. For now they are in last place in the NFC Least and may remain there for a long time.

5. The Undefeateds’ (Rather Early) Final Fall: SeagLes & HillBiLlies Lose On Their Home Fields In No Longer Being Perfect In The Loss Column(0-a bunch of frustrated fans)

So, what are the odds that we would have no more undefeated teams in the NFL through five weeks of the season? That has to be roughly the earliest time in a modern post-1978 regular season where nobody has lost a single game. And with some diligent research, I can confirm that is the case. Only 1970 and 2014 are seasons with earlier or similarly early post-merger instances with no undefeated teams, with one of those seasons being more modernly relevant with 32 teams playing games on the gridiron. There only remained two teams with a perfect record through four weeks and they were both playing at home against lesser opponents, so you would think their undefeated records should have remained intact. But you would be wrong and be against the bold prediction of Michael Wilbon on PTI. It would be hard to decide which team was more likely to be on upset alert, but in this case you had one team who held a strong lead through three quarters and choked the game in the fourth quarter while another team ended up being sloppy with the ball and had to fight back from a deficit against a division rival. So, let’s get into this pair of failures that have the likes of Bob Griese, Larry Csonka and the spirits of the deceased 1972 Miami Delphins celebrating in joy.

Starting with a day game with the defending chumps that are the Phatterdelphia Seagles, who had won their first four games by close margins, including a comeback against the Lost Mangeles Lambs that featured a blocked-field goal fiasco that was the subject matter of the Week 3 edition of the CFS. The Seagles were hosting the 2-2 Denver Donkeys, who could have been undefeated if not for a couple of walk-off field goals at the end of regulation in their first two road games in Indy and Lost Mangeles. The game started with a couple of punts and made field goals by both teams, but in the second quarter Phatty scored a touchdown on a red zone pass from Jalen Hurts His Opponents To Dallas Goedert. Denver’s offense punted on six straight drives through the second and third quarters, with the Seagles scoring another touchdown with Saquon Barkley having a reception that he ran into the end zone. Heading into the fourth quarter, the Donkeys had some momentum as they got into Phatty territory and they got into the red zone, where J.K Dobbins had a TD run. Down by seven points, Denver started pressuring Hurts, who got sacked to end a drive in the early fourth quarter. The Donkeys then had a drive with massive chunk plays courtesy of Bo Nix, who has fans in Orange Crush colors “bo-lieving” that there might another championship run pretty soon in the future years to come. Nix threw a TD pass to Evan Engram and then the Mad Hatter dressed in all orange Sean Payton decided to have his offense go for two. A very odd decision, considering that there were seven and a half minutes left in regulation. But the Denver offense went for a two-point conversion and got it as another Nix pass was completed in the end zone and the Donkeys had a one-point lead. With plenty of time, the Seagles should have been able to aptly respond, but an illegal shift penalty on a fourth down pass to Devonta Smith forced Phatty to punt. An elephantine off the reserve penalty came back to haunt the birds as well. Denver then went on a long drive that featured an unnecessary roughness foul on Zach Baun on a third down tackle. I guess he forgot to pull up from the terrain of humanity down on the field. That mistake allowed the Donkeys to milk clock and for Will Klutz to kick a field goal that upped the lead to four points. So, the Seagles had to go for the touchdown. With one minute left and no timeouts, Phatty got downfield courtesy of a pass interference foul and a good completion to Jahan Dotson that went out of bounds. An incomplete pass to Goedert that could have drawn a pass interference foul but didn’t was tough. The final play of the contest was a Hurts pass towards the end zone, where both top receivers for the Seagles jumped up to catch the game-winning pass. But both Devonta Smith and A.J Brown interfered with each other along with a couple of Donkeys defensive backs and the ball landed incomplete. Game over. The undefeated reign of the defending chumps is over. Talk about a tough weekend to be a Phatterdelphia sports fan. The baseball team choked a 3-0 lead the night before(and also had a comeback attempt fall short on Monday night), then the football team chokes a two-TD lead to a good and upcoming team from Denver. Yeah, that’s not good. At least for their next game, the Seagles won’t have to go far as a Thursday night game up the road in Jersey against the FatBall G.I-Ants should be an easy win. But many people thought that for the Donkeys game and look what happened there. A multi-possession win might be in order to boost up the confidence of these crap leprechaun birdies. We shall see what happens.

As the day progressed on Sunday, we finally got to the finale of action with a primetime game between the New VrabelLand PottyHats and the last undefeated team standing in the BufferLow HillBillies, who were debuting their “Rivalry” jerseys courtesy of the SwooshTika. They wore an all-white, ice-gray number uniform. That sounds similar to the Winter Warrior threads that my Vikings debuted last year, so that might be copyright infringement. Nah, it’s not. But still those jerseys would be better worn when there are actual icy conditions in Western New York State and not when the temperature is barely below 60 degrees at night in October. But this was the potential final Sunday night game at old Rich/Ralph Wilson/Highmark Stadium, which shall be replaced by a more modern-looking venue next year. The HillBillies had a more dominant start to this season, but could have lost two of their home games against the Beltimore RuffHens(a very thrilling comeback that was featured in the Week 1 edition of the CFS) and Miami Delphins, who fell short due to a Tua Tagovailoa interception. The PottyHats were 2-2 after a couple of tough home losses and one dominant win at home. Playing a division rival that overtook the AFC Least in the post-Brady/Belichick era, the Vrabeling team didn’t want to have an early deficit behind BufferLow. This was a huge opportunity to put some pressure on the HillBillies early on for the division crown. And oh boy was this game defensive from the very start! A few early fumbles by both teams(two on the home team, one by the Hats immediately after forcing the first fumble of the game) gave this game a disruptive tone, exactly how the PottyHats wanted it. A few field goals made up the scoring in the first half and then in the second half, the HillBillies got a touchdown to take their first lead of the night. But the Pots answered right back with a strong drive that ended in a Rhamondre Stevenson TD run that reclaimed the lead. Then, in the red zone, Josh Allen got picked off by Marcus Jones, who has stepped up with his special teams flair and that turnover led to another TD by New VrabelLand. Down by ten, BufferLow answered back with an Allen TD pass to Keon Coleman and a defensive stop got them the ball back with a chance to take the lead. But they instead settled for a field goal by Matt Prater after three straight incompletions thrown by Allen. With a little over two minutes left, the PottyHats went on a big drive that forced Sean McDermott to call all of his team’s timeouts and also featured on the first play Drake Maye barely avoiding a sack as he got his jersey pulled and completing a big pass to Stefon Diggs for a first down before the two-minute warning. Diggs had his Western NY homecoming end in success as kicker Andy Borregales kicked and made a game-winning 45-yard field goal. A pitchy-pitchy woo-woo attempt by the HillBillies ended in failure and the final undefeated team had been beaten by the franchise who came closest to being the first perfect pro football champion since 1972. How fitting of a result. At 4-1, BufferLow now stands only a game ahead of their rivals from Massachusetts and the head-to-head edge currently favors Bob Kraft’s team. So, the AFC Least could end up being a two-horse race between the two teams who have had separate reigns of dominance in that division dating back to 2009(11 straight division titles for the PottyHats followed by an active streak of five division crowns in a row for the HillBillies). As this Sunday in October has taught us, any team can be defeated, in any way, fashion or place. For the Phatterdelphia Seagles and BufferLow HillBillies, two almost SB opponents from last season and two likely candidates to meet again in the Big Game, they learned that home-field advantage can’t always save them from defeat, which proves to be the greatest teacher of them all in sports and in life.

• Waiting List: Cleveland ClownShow, Miami Delphins, New Orleans Aints, Tennessee Titanic Buffoons, The Team Who Lost To Tennessee Due To A Dropped Ball Short Of The Goal Line That Caused A Meltdown On The Sidelines And On The Field, Cincinnata Bungles, Losing In A Stadium That Didn’t Feel Like Your Home Due To A Load Of Opposing Fans Buying Up Tix, Throwing Another Pick-6 TD And Costing Your Team A Monday Night Victory, NFL Trade Season In Full Effect, Horrible Fantasy Football Lineup Decisions