Inspirational Thought of the Week

I was standin’ with my friend
When I saw you walkin’ in
And my heart started skippin’ a beat
I was tryin’ to play it cool
But I knew it was true
That nobody would ever compete
Well, first comes love and then comes

First date, first kiss
We were checkin’ off the list
Then you were gettin’ down on your knee
And you didn’t have to guess
It was always a yes
Now there’s two less fish in the sea

Let’s set the date
Let’s hire a band
Let’s cut the cake
Tie up the cans

I love the ring of your name
You’re the ying to my yang
Oh, baby let’s give it a shot (oh)
Every wall needs a frame
Every ball needs a chain
I’m talkin’ about tying the knot
Tie it up (tie it up), mmh

“Tie It Up” by Kelly Clarkson

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where tying up occurs with shoes and other clothing accessories, we have been pondering the ability of ties. Not bow ties or fancy ties for work, but ties in the format of sporting events. Games get tied all the time and once regulation ends, there is usually an overtime period(or more than one) to determine the winner of a game. Ties are things that only occur in preseason competitions and exhibitions, because there is no reason to determine a winner in a game that doesn’t count. But in a game that does count? Oh, there is every reason for overtime/extra innings to decide who wins and who loses. But on a very rare occasion, there is one sport where a tie CAN HAPPEN and when it does it’s either a beneficiary to a team’s record or it becomes a detriment in the end when comparing playoff records of teams in the same division/conference of the team(s) who wear the tie around their neck like a garlic chain for vampires(Halloweentime is almost here after all).

Would you believe it that there is still one sport where a tie is possible because the overtime format has been tinkered with so much that now both teams need to receive possession in order to make things “more fair”? Well, how about this tidbit for these suited and tie-wearing big wigs? Life isn’t fair at all. Is it fair that people miss paying their taxes and get penalized for it? No. But that’s the way it is. Is it fair that a strong candidate doesn’t get hired due to an external factor beyond their control? No, but that’s the way that job interviews turn out sometimes. Is it fair to continue to vote for… okay I’m getting a bit too far ahead of myself, but the point of the matter is that there are winners and losers in everyday life here in America. We don’t do ties in our sports games and we don’t like them either. Heck, college football has done better to fix its overtime period to at least determine a winner in spite of the whacky rules that they have instituted over the years. But the biggest sports league in the world has games occur that are so tight that there is a chance it could end in a tie. There used to be more ties on teams’ records back in the old days cuz there was no overtime. But even with OT and due to concerns about “player safety”, the OT period is shorter in the regular season than it is in the playoffs and that really makes no sense when you are deciding to let both teams receive possession in the overtime period. No more touchdown by the receiving team wins the game baloney. We now have an OT format that allows for more ties to occur, or for the probability of ties to increase. And there are no winners or losers with a tie, but it felt like you didn’t do enough to have your point tally on the scoreboard reflect a W in that game. So ties are stupid and they will be a part of the Coveted Fifth Spot discussion on a particular game that didn’t have to end that way, but it did.

Besides that we have a pair of teams who continue to stay in the top-two tier of these rankings due to winless records and a pair of new teams that will make up the bottom(or higher) two teams on this list before going on to the outrageous CFS entry for this week. Let’s hope that tiebreakers don’t determine this list(oh wait, they already do). Hahahaha.

With apologies to Tyler Lockett, Tyler Shough, Tyler Johnson, Ty’Ron Hopper and a trio of Tyler offensive linemen, here are the post-Week 4 Floundering Five Rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. Tennessee Titanic Buff00ns(0-4)

Making their first appearance at the top-bottom spot this season, the B’Foons became the second team in as many weeks to not score at all in a game. A missed field goal by Joey SlyeGuy on the opening drive set the tone for three consecutive punts and then another missed kick by him before the half didn’t help matters either. The Texthens were doing not much better in this BFOTW: Old H-Town vs. New H-Town edition, but they eventually figured it out in the second half and scored a couple of tuddies, including one after an interception thrown by Cam Ward, who continues to have a sloppy Titanic-sinking start to his rookie season. I guess the U is a bit more like a professional team than these Buffoons from NashBille. Another late TD by the Texthens made this game a blowout and a 26-0 loss put the B’Foons at a record of 0-4 and up to this number 1 spot of losers. Brian Callahan is ticked off and might lose his job, ironically to his dad Bill, who has experience in interim-coaching a team that started out the season 0-5. So, the pressure is on for them to win next week when they travel even more west on the I-10 corridor(a fun long interstate connection there) to take on the Arizona YellowBeaks, who were one of two teams to debut “Rivalry” jerseys that can be worn in prime time games in the next four seasons courtesy of the SwooshTika. Besides that merch scam, the YellowBeaks are 2-2, so it’s not an impossible task for the Titanic Buffoons, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Speaking of which, there is a new show coming out on ABC called 9-1-1 Nashville, starring former Robin actor Chris O’Donnell. Perhaps they might be called to help deal with a (fictional) situation where old Nissan Stadium(or new Nissan Stadium) gets caught ablaze by some crazy firestorm. That’s what the football team that plays professionally in the second-most liberal-infested city in Tennessee feels like they’re in. What a difference from five years ago, am I right?

2. New Orleans Aints(0-4)

So the Aints came marching into Western New York (state) and a lot of folks were expecting them to get blown out. But they actually stayed in the fight and even almost held the lead at one point(if not for Brandin Cooks losing control of the ball in the end zone with no defenders around him). But Josh Allen and the HillBillies’ offense did just enough to roam past New Orleans, who now sit at 0-4 for the first time since 2012(the year which Sean Payton and Tom Benson had to do time in football purgatory due to the crimes committed in the BountyGate Scandal). Spencer RattlerSnake led a couple of good drives, but a “NOLA Special” play was foiled with an interception in the red zone and that was a huge missed opportunity to copy Nick Foles and Dumb Pederson in SB52. Now at 0-4, the Aints must return to the StupidDome to host the New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants, who won their first game in Jaxson Dart’s first start but lost Malik Nabers to a devastating torn ACL injury. So, they won’t have to deal with the receiver known as Leeeeeek when the Army Ants come to town. NOLA better win or they are cooked like gumbo with Cajun spice on it. Kellen Moore at least isn’t the only first-year coach looking for his first career win through four weeks, as he is also joined by the head coach of the…

3. New Yuck GlennJUTS(0-4)

Yep, in the undercard MNF game between the GlennJUTS and Miami BlackPhins, the Gang Green stinkers(who also have their own set of all-black threads) lost in a game that they could have won if not for a red zone fumble in the first quarter and a dynamic kickoff fumble at the start of the second half that led to two Miami TDs. Justin Fields came back after missing last week’s game with a concussion, and he looked kind of decent leading the offense at the stadium where he lost the College Football Playoff National Championship Game as the QB for Ohio State against the Alabama Crimson Tide in early 2021. But it wasn’t good enough as he had one passing TD and one rushing TD, with an inexplicable two-point conversion attempt before an onside kick occurring as well. In spite of their efforts, the JUTS lost their third game by one possession and must now look to rebound in their next home game at JetLife Stadium against the Dellas ShotBoys, who were involved in one of the most mind-bending games in recent memory(in an era of attention-spans lessening faster than you can say acrimonious). Aaron Glenn will hope to beat Dellas, something that he failed to do for his former employer in the Dumtroit Flyins in 2023 but did so in massive fashion last season. Glenn was so ticked at his team(played for them from 1994-2001 and was the guy who defended the Dan Marino fake spike pass in Nov. 1994) that his shouts could be heard outside the locker room. That’s definitely a tier down from where he was in Dumtroit, so he fell into a trap for an owner who prefers hiring defensive-minded head coaches(cuz Rex Ryan led them to success as a defensive-minded HC, right?). It’s pretty sad when things don’t work out the way you want them to, but as Frank Sinatra once said “That’s Life!” Definitely tough to be a JUTS fan right now, especially when the guy you broke up with is off to a 3-1 start with his new squad. I guess Aaron Rodgers wasn’t the problem after all. Who knew?

4. Carolina Black KittyKATS(1-3)

So, the Punthers make their first appearance in the FF this season following a tough loss on the road against the New VrabelLand PottyHats, who reminded the fans of the black cat team why they won SB38(kind of) and are still a more superior franchise in spite of hard times that the team in Foxborough has fallen on in recent years. An early TD by Carolina gave them a lead, but it was brief as a punt return TD by Marcus Jones led to Drake Maye leading not one, not two, not three, not four, but five consecutive TD drives before the Black KittyKATs scored again. The Punthers only punted five times along with having a missed kick by Ryan Fitzgerald and Bruce Young did so poorly that Andy Dalton came in to lead a TD drive late to get this team to double-digits in points. So, the road woes continue for the Punthers, who are 2-18 in their last 20 road games. That is bad, but thankfully their next game comes at home against the Miami Delphins, who just lost Tyreek Hill to a devastating ACL injury on Monday night. At least the powdered-blue-and-black KittyKATs won’t have to deal with the Cheetah and also play a team that is 1-3 along with them. So, that will be a Blanket Fight of the Week: Rare Meeting Between South Atlantic Coast Clubs Formed In Different Eras. One of those teams will be 1-4, or there could be a tie, which leads us to the Coveted Fifth Spot insanity of this week.

5. A Tie Game At JerryWorld??? New OT Rules Show Their Cracks As The Equal Possession Clause Causes The First Tie Game In The NFL Since 2022(0-0-1 draw)

Well, as referenced by my rant in the intro to this note, we have had a game end in a tie in the NFL this season. Ties are very rare in this sport, but unlike all the other North American sports(besides succer, a sport best left to be played by Europeans and Hispanic players) the NFL has an actual chance for a game to end in a draw. In spite of the unlikelihood of it, that possibility became more likely due to a change in the NFL’s rules regarding overtime in the regular season. Doing away with the touchdown-on-opening-drive wins game dilemma initially after a playoff classic in the 2021 AFC Divisional Round between the BufferLow HillBillies and Kansas City Chefs, the NFL decided to bring the both-teams possess the ball rule to the overtime periods in regular season games, because those games matter just as much as playoff games. Okay, but if that’s the case why have regular season overtime periods at ten minutes and playoff OT periods at 15 minutes? You seriously cannot add five flippin’ minutes to a game because of “player safety”? Instead of a game going 75 minutes maximum in the regular season, it has been stuck at 70 minutes maximum in the regular season for a decade worth of time. And if you can’t decide a winner after 70 minutes? Welp, that’s a tie then. Soccer games are 90 minutes long with extra time added for all the stoppages that occur in regular season competitions and group stage games during tournaments. I mean, I know the difference, but c’mon NFL! Get it together. If there’s one thing all Americans can agree on that they hate, it’s ties in sports competitions. There are no winners or losers, simply put it feels like a sick joke. Despite the rarity of ties, there is a higher chance of it happening now due to the stupid new OT rules, aided by the dynamic kickoff transformation and fear of having your opponent start at their 35-yard line(basically 20 yards away from field goal range of most kickers these days). Just absolute baloney.

So was trading Micah Parsons only to welcome him back one month later. The Sunday night game between the Grinch Bay Fatkers and Dellas ShotBoys was dubbed the “Game of the Year” early on due to the Parsons drama and the potential for him to sack Dak Prescott a lot. Well, the opposite happened as the ShotBoys’ offensive line did a decent job in this game, which started with Grinch Bay getting two touchdowns but then turned on its head with a blocked PAT returned by a Dellas player to the other end zone for an ultra rare defensive two-point conversion. The end of the first half changed this odd score of 13-2 with two TDs in the final 41 seconds by the ShotBoys, who picked off JordyLove and that led to them taking the lead. The second half would be more high scoring, as each team took turns changing the lead. Grinch Bay and Dellas scored touchdowns like it was no tomorrow with two of them by Josh Jacobs, a hat trick by Romeo Doubs, and Prescott throwing two extra TDs along with Javonte Williams running it in as well. With 43 seconds left, the ShotBoys might have scored “too soon” like they did in their first home game of the season against the Army Ants, who then responded with their too-soon score and then Brandon Aubrey kicked a super long field goal to force overtime, which went down to the final seconds before Aubrey made his game-winner. That was almost a tie game. Well, the Fatkers had enough time for JordyLove to lead their offense into decent range for Brandon McManus, who made a 53-yard kick to tie the game and force… overtime.

Another oddity of the new OT rules of both teams possessing the ball is the fact that now, when teams win the coin toss, they now choose to put their defense on the field first to know how many points they need to score on their drive. It used to be the team who won the toss would always say “We want the ball”, because it was either sudden-death or death by opening drive TD. But now it’s just like college football in the sense of both teams getting to possess the ball(in each OT period that follows as well for college, which has some whacky overtime rules that you wouldn’t even believe). So, Grinch Bay won the toss and deferred possession, meaning that the pressure was on the ShotBoys offense to get an opening drive TD. A good long drive for Dellas ensued with Prescott completing a long pass to Jalen Tolbert, who made an incredible catch and kept both feet down in bounds for a 34-yard gain. A lot of people might be wishing that was a TD reception, because sloppy goal to go execution followed for the ShotBoys, who settled for a chip-shot kick by Brandon Aubrey. That drive took up five minutes and twenty seconds of time in this 10-minute OT period and the score was 40-37. If Grinch Bay got a TD, they would win, but if they got a field goal and there was very little to no time left, a tie would be the result. One of the lesser significant plays that occurred to set up the drive was Aubrey’s kickoff ball landing in the “landing zone” and then hopping into the end zone, where one of the Fatkers players took a knee to have it be a touchback. But instead of the 35-yard line, the ball was placed at the 20-yard line due to the dynamic kickoff rule stating that if you kneel in the end zone with a ball that bounces in the landing zone, the ball gets placed at that old spot where all touchbacks used to be placed. That meant more field space to cover and more time to come off the clock. That’s exactly what happened, as the Fatkers offense got first downs(one of them on a 4th & 6 conversion), Dellas took its final timeout, the two-minute warning came(in the playoffs, there is no two-minute warning in the overtime period), and the Grinch Bay players were somehow not getting out of bounds to stop the clock. So, after the two-minute warning the Fatkers took their merry little time getting near the end zone as time kept ticking away(don’t want the Star team to get the ball back, especially with them having no timeouts!) and a first down run by Emanuel Wilson was then followed by a shotgun pass to Matthew Golden, who was tackled down in bounds behind the line of scrimmage. That forced NeedleNose coach Matt LaFleur to call timeout and with 28 seconds left time was running short. You would think that Grinch Bay would do everything in their power to go for the win in this situation. Instead, Love threw a short pass to Wilson and he was tackled down in bounds as well. With time running off the clock and closer to the end of overtime, the Fatkers nearly pulled a Matt Eberflus(with the former Bores head coach being on the Dellas sideline as the defensive coordinator) in letting time run all the way out, but Love got the snap off and threw a quick random pass to the end zone, where the ball was incomplete and one measly second was left on the clock. One second. Obviously, the Grinch Bay field goal unit came onto the field and Brandon McManus kicked a game-tying chip shot 34-yard field goal to conclude the game. No double overtime like in the NBA and college basketball/college football. Nothing. It all ends after only one overtime period in NFL regular season games. Can’t keep people up all night, right? They have work tomorrow and you can’t let these people be in a position to run late and run the risk of having a Human Resources meeting about tardiness, right? Unbelievable. Just unreal. Now, both these classic rivals who have played classics such as The Ice Bowl, The Dez Bryant Catch-No Catch Game and a Rodgers heartbreak OT game that had Mason Crosby break the hearts of so many Dellas fans are wearing a tie on their ledger. Whether it benefits them or not I don’t know but we will now have a twisted NFC playoff picture. The Fatkers will have a lesser chance of winning the NFC Norteh and a harder time of holding a tiebreaker over the Flyins(unless they have a tie result on their record in between now and early January). For the ShotBoys, the tie made Jerry Jones happy because at least they didn’t lose in Micah Parsons’ return to his stadium but he did get one “sack” on Dak and it came in OT near the goal-line. But it could hurt Dellas’ chances of competing for a playoff spot as a tie could deny them the chance of sneaking in as the 7 seed. Just ask the 2018 Minnesota Vikings, who had a tragic tie at Lambeau Field along with a bunch of other tough defeats that robbed them a chance to be the 6 seed in the NFC(would have been the 7 if they had that format a couple of years earlier than when it was instituted). Also, continuing a trend of giving up a load of points on your home field from the previous season(and dating back to a playoff loss against the Fatkers) is not that good. Sure, the defense didn’t lose the game but that’s because there was little time for Grinch Bay to work with because of the dumb OT rules and LaFleur’s mismanagement of the clock. So, this tie could loom large over the NFC playoff picture and it might not be the only tie this season. NFL fans just got reminded of a sobering reality that could victimize any of their teams due to the equal possession clause and lack of execution in overtime. Let’s see if another tie happens, because if it does the fans will be raving mad on social media calling for no more ties to happen ever. Because this is America, not Europe. Apparently Goodell didn’t realize that, since he was in Dublin earlier in the day(international game agendas can really get to your head after a while).

• Waiting List: Cleveland ClownShow, BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark, Cincinatta Brownings, Beltimore RuffHens, Teams Who Lost Their Bids At A Perfect Record This Week, Losing Control Of The Ball As You’re Running Into The End Zone(And That Error Robbing Your Team Of A 4-0 Start), Losing Your First International Game In A Country You Have Never Played In Prior To This Season, The STUPID Bowl Halftime Show’s Poor Choice Of A Performer(Or Perfect To Show How Woke You Really Are)