Inspirational Thought of the Week
I was raised outta steel
Here in the swamps of Jersey
Some misty years ago
Through the mud and the beer
The blood and the cheers
I’ve seen champions come and go
So if you’ve got the guts, mister
Yeah, if you got the balls
If you think it’s your time
Then step to the line
And bring on your wrecking ball
Bruce Springsteen, “Wrecking Ball”
Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a place where a wrecking ball(or similar vehicle of destruction) was used to dismantle old ranches and swamps, we have been considering the impact that Bruce Springsteen’s songs have had on the heartbreaking nature of fans who support teams that do nothing but bring them continuous pain and horrible results year after year after year after year. Songs like “Born To Run”, “Badlands”, “Independence Day”, “Glory Days” and others definitely strike at the spirit of fans who hope for their team’s golden eras to return and sustain them in the present. But all those fans have is memories in the form of old video clips of victories from different eras in time. The present can be harsh and depressing, but there’s always hope for the future, right? Well, not exactly if your team continues to stink and struggle.
When it comes to champions of years past, some of the teams that make this week’s cut of the Floundering Five can definitely apply that thinking towards their pain of being beaten in “wrecking ball fashion”. But there are others in this list whose fans have never experienced the sweet taste of championship glory, or at least they came close only for an epic STUPID Bowl collapse and a tackle just one yard short of tying the game right at the end to prevent them from gaining that glory. So, there are fans who don’t know what it’s like to win a title and stay in the cesspool of suckyness and failure for a while(maybe even for all their years of fandom before they pass away, that’s the Chicago Cubs syndrome there).
Bruce’s title song from his 2012 album commemorates the destruction of a stadium that he used to perform at in the “swamps of Jersey”, not far from where he grew up on the Jersey Shore and founded the E-Street Band. Both of the teams that played in that venue long gone are featured in this week’s note of the Floundering Five and are expected to stay there for many iterations to come. But one of those Jersey teams is in the Coveted Fifth Spot for this week, which features blocked field goals as the reasons why a couple of teams lost their games this week(or came close to losing, as one of the teams that had a blocked kick returned for a TD still managed to lose that game and I’m guessing you already know who that is). So, it’s definitely a good week to do a trio of teams in the CFS, since it’s three weeks into the season. How about that convenience, especially on the Boss’ 76th birthday?! In a matter of a few weeks, his biopic called Deliver Me From Nowhere will come out into theaters for a deeper look behind the personal conflicts that led him to write the songs in his Nebraska album. Can’t wait for that, but first it’s time for a deeper dive into these rankings of conflicted bad football teams.
With apologies to Tulane Stadium, the old Houston AstroDome(which hasn’t been fully demolished yet), some foregone stadium in North Jersey with the term Giants in it, the GeorgiaDome and all the venues that a team with horns on it has played in that haven’t been demolished yet, here are the post-Week 3 Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.
- New Orleans Aints(0-3)
So, the Aints came marching into Seattle wearing their third different uniform combo look(a white helmet for the first time on top of a white jersey and white pants all adorned by the tan-golden color of their Fleur-de-Lis) and they got wrecked by the SamChickens by a final score of 44-13. Giving up three TDs in the first quarter, including a 95-yard punt return by Tory Holton, this game was less close than their first two games at home against other NFC Wusst opponents. Sam Darnold completed 14 of his 18 passes against a team that could have taken a flier on him in free agency, but chose to stick with two young QBs and draft another one who made an appearance in this game after the RattlerSnake led that one sole TD drive for the Aints, who fall to 0-3 for the first time since 2016, which was the last year of their short five-year stinky period following the suspension of Sean Payton for the entire 2012 season due to the BountyGate scandal’s discoveries. A four-year window of winning division titles(and playoff heartbreak) followed, so maybe some good times are around the corner for Kellen Moore’s FDL squad. Or not, as they might be tanking for some guy named Arch who grew up in that hurricane-infested area that they call home. Who knows at this point? But there’s a real chance for this team to start 0-4 as they travel to one of the most northeasterly cities in the NFL after their sloppy stay over in the Pacific Northwest to take on the BufferLow HillBillies, who might be hungry for a blowout after another close victory at home. So, watch out you color-coded NOLA suckers, you could stay up here(or down here) for a while.
2. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(0-3)
If you thought that the Aints were a bad performing team on Sunday, the AFC had a couple of other examples. One of them are the Titanic Buffoons, who return to this list after losing their second home game in a row by multiple possessions. Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies came to NashBille and continued their streak of not punting on a single drive… until the second quarter. Daniel “Indiana” Jones relied on his trusty horse sidekick in Jonathan Taylor to run with the ball through the T.T B’Foons defense big time and score a hat trick of touchdowns. A couple of missed field goals by Joey SlyeGuy didn’t help matters for Cam Ward, who is off to an 0-3 start in his rookie season as he threw a pick-6 to start out this game and got sacked four times to increase his times sacked tally to 15 through three games. At this rate, the offensive line for the B’Foons could allow more sacks than the Chicago Bores did last season with Caleb Williams. Matters only get more awkward for this team formerly located in a city way more south than NashBille, as they travel to take on the Houston Texthens at the stadium next to where they used to play as the OilBoys in the Luv Ya Blue days. In other news, Nissan Stadium has only about 15 games left in its lifetime before it gets torn down by a wrecking ball as a new domed venue is being built right next to it off the Cumberland River. So, it might be time for this franchise to put on their wrecking ball and completely rebuild their team. Ward is part of that rebuild, but more changes must happen before this team is able to give it their best shot and see what they’ve got. At least the Texthens are 0-3 like they are, except the horned bull team has lost their three games by a combined 13 points as opposed to the larger more Titanic margin of defeat of -43 for the Buffoons. Let’s hope next week’s Blanket Fight of the Week: AFC Sourth Battle Between Old Houston And New Houston Teams is a bit closer than 21 points.
3. New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(0-3)
Speaking of teams that have seen stadiums be destroyed by wrecking balls(specifically the Polo Grounds and their old stadium across the street which now serves as a horse racetrack), the Army Ants suffered yet another 0-3 start to their season by having a primetime home loss to the Kansas Schitty Chefs, who somehow managed to win a sloppy game where Patrick Ma-HonEs nearly snatched a ball from a backwards pass out of the hands of Brian Burns, who had a defensive touchdown nearly occur in a 6-6 tie game in the second quarter. So, it was literally snatching victory out of the jaws of possible defeat. But the New Yuck Big Blue offense did no such favors towards winning as Rumpelstiltskin had another sloppy game(following his 450-yard performance that wasn’t enough to get a win against Dellas) with two interceptions and barely half of his passes completed. The crowd of G.I-Ant fans were so against him that when Jaxson Dart came in to play on featured plays during drives, they cheered the rookie and when Dart came back onto the sidelines and Rump came back onto the field they booed. That’s not a good sign. It didn’t help that the misleading amount of points scored by Big Blue(nine) occurred with a TD run by Cam (BeMy) Skattebo with a missed PAT by Jamie Gillan, nicknamed the Scottish Hammer, who was kicking in the place of banged-up placekicker Graham Gano, who came into the game to kick and make a chip-shot field goal with the Chefs leading by 10 points. Brian Daboll decided not to gamble and go for it on fourth down and that cost his team any chance of coming back against KC, which scored a game-sealing TD not long after. So, another primetime loss at JetLife Stadium for this Army Ants team, which is finally deciding to appease its angry fan base somewhat and have Dart make his first professional start next Sunday when the undefeated Lost Mangeles Dolts come into East Rutherford to play. The pressure will be on Dart to have this team avoid an 0-4 record, something that they have not started out a season with since 1937, when QBs were not known for prolific passing and the country was recovering from the Great Depression. That’s definitely a term to describe how Big Blue fans feel about Brian Daboll and Joe Schoen, who could both be canned very soon if they don’t get their act together fast. As Springsteen says, “Badlands, we gotta live it every day. Let the broken hearts stand for the price you gotta pay. Keep movin’ till it’s understood and these badlands start treatin’ us good.” Yeah, that might not be happening for this team in a division with three strong QBs and defenses(though one of those teams screwed themselves by trading away their best defensive player in decades). Primetime is a window impossible to escape for a team in such a highly-populated metro area and it doesn’t matter how many times they lose in primetime. Unless they completely relocate, playing at least two or three primetime games at home will be a requirement for a team with that false flag moniker of a city once called New Amsterdam. Why did the Dutch give up that city? Why?
4. Atlanta Ch0kingBirds(1-2)
So, after defeating My Minnesota Vikings Who Had A BounceBack Performance For The Ages last Sunday night, the Atlanta Vulcans(a nice worldplay there) teleported themselves to play in the Queen City against the Carolina Black KittyKATs, who were playing their home opener after losing their first two games on the road. Committing themselves to their kicking hero of Week 2 John Parker Romo and cutting Younghoe Koo, Atlanta was looking for a good road win. Instead they had a couple of missed field goals in the first quarter(including one that occurred after a muffed punt by Carolina) and that set a bad tone for this battle of NFC Sourth teams. Only surrendering 10 points in the first half wasn’t that bad, but the second half got worse as Magic Mike Penix threw a couple of interceptions in the third quarter and the Punthers actually cashed in with a pick-6 on one of those interceptions and a touchdown to start the fourth quarter. The game got so nasty offensively for the ChokingBirds that they pulled Penix and brought in KirkoChainz Cousins to close out the game. Even the former Captain couldn’t lead this team to a scoring drive as the ATL got shut out 30-0 in being the first team to go scoreless in a game this season. Well, let’s be fair, Kirko only threw all of his passes on one drive and some backup running back named Nathan Carter took all the carries in the final drive for the ChokingBirds that resulted in a fumble that ended the game. So, now the migratory squawkers must return home to host the DC Brigade of CommandSkins. This team could be 2-1 if not for Koo-Ka-Roo’s missed kicks in that home opener of theirs. Jayden Daniels didn’t play on Sunday for the W team, but their offense scored 41 points with the Heisman Hawaiian Marcus Mariota(who played one season for Atlanta before being benched for Desmond NightRidder). So, a must-win game is in order for the ChokingBirds, who will be in for a hard stretch after their early bye week coming soon.
5. A Trio Of Teams Who Either Got Wrecked By Blocked Field Goals Or Did The Wrecking Themselves And Still Lost Anyways(0-a bunch of failed protection)
So, we now go to this field-goal-wrecked edition of the Coveted Fifth Spot, which features three teams who all fell victim to one(or more) separate instance of having a field goal attempt be blocked by the opposing team that came back to haunt them. This applies to two of these teams, while the other team did the field-goal blocking themselves and still lost somehow. Before we dive into this game-wrecking tale, I must state that I could have done the Miley Cyrus version of “Wrecking Ball” instead of Springsteen’s. But I had to choose Bruce since it’s the Boss’ birthday and Miley’s infamous video of riding au naturel on an actual wrecking ball is kind of NSFW. Well, it totally is, but the song is still more popular than Bruce’s version, which deserves more recognition and came out roughly two years before Hannah Montana’s edition. So, technically it could be a copyright infringement by Billy Rae’s daughter, but it’s not. Onward to this trio of insane game-ending(or altering) plays.
First we begin in the city of the Liberty Bell, where the Lost Mangeles Lambs and Phatterdelphia Seagles were putting their undefeated records on the line in a playoff rematch from the season before. The game started with an immediate Tush Push score that should have been negated due to guard Tyler Steen moving before the ball got discreetly snapped to Jalen Hurts His Opponents, who scored the TD. The Lambs responded by having Matthew Stafford(whose good baseball buddy from Big D just announced he would be retiring after this baseball season) lead some good drives that ended in only two touchdowns and four field goals made by Joshua Karty, who was definitely having a kicking party on the field. That amounted to 26 unanswered points as the L.M defense held the Phatty offense down for a long period of game time. But the Seagles did respond eventually with a couple of strong drives that ended in passing touchdowns, something that they were not able to do in their first two games(which they managed to win by close margins). At the beginning of the fourth quarter, both teams traded turnovers on downs and the Lambs had a chance to extend their lead to eight with a field goal attempt by Karty from 36 yards out. But the kick was blocked by Jalen “Racin’ In The Streets” Carter and the ball bounced back towards Karty, who tried to throw the ball for a completed pass but he failed. In spite of a Carter unnecessary roughness foul after the play backing them up, the Phatty offense managed to go on a 17-play, 91-yard long drive that ended on a fourth and goal pass from Hurts to Devonta Smith into the end zone for the go-ahead TD. After the Seagles went for a two-point conversion and failed, the Lost Mangeles offense had a chance to win the game by simply having a more successful field goal attempt this time around. They got back into field goal range for Karty with only a few seconds left and this kick would be from a further distance of 44 yards. The ball was snapped, the hold was pure and the kick from Karty went up, but it was blocked by a lunging giant in Jordan Davis, who recovered the ball and ran back with it for a TD that might have ruined(or made) some sports bettors’ days. What a tough way to lose, in having not one but two field goals blocked at the line of scrimmage by two towering giant defensive lineman for the Seagles who happen to be on field goal defense teams. Good thing for Phatty they were or else they would actually have their first loss since December of last year on the road against the DC Brigade of CommandSkins. Tough luck for Lost Mangeles, who couldn’t defeat the Seagles in their own stadium after coming so close to doing so in the snow this past January in the playoffs. Lucky for them, they will have two home games coming up at SoFine Stadium, but both of their opponents are currently 3-0 in Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies and the Sand Fransicko FortingMiners, who managed to win a game by kicking a field goal that wasn’t blocked by any Arizona YellowBeak defenders. Touché on that point!
In that same morning window, there was another blocked kick instance some 431 miles to the west in CleveLand, Ohio. The CleveLand ClownShow turned themselves into a bunch of black-painted Halloween costumed goons a month ahead of that special trick-or-treating holiday as they played host to the Grinch Bay Fatkers, who were looking to start 3-0 themselves on the season. The game was by all means sloppy and ruled by the defenses of both teams, as a load of punts happened. But a field goal by Brandon McManus gave the Fatkers some points in the first half while Joe Flacco threw an interception to end the half on a sour note for the Blackies(gotta roll with the color-labeled names, right?). The third quarter saw JordyLove lead a drive that ended with a touchdown pass to some random guy named John FitzPatrick and the score was 10-0 in favor of Grinch Bay. The ClownShow had punted on six of their seven drives before a big run by Quinshon Judkins gave them some energy. Heading into the red zone and being at the one-yard line eventually, a touchdown was certain on this drive. But a chop block penalty backed CleveLand up and eventually they had to settle for a field goal, which their oddly-spelled kicker Andre Szymt made to put some points on the board. With three and a half minutes left, the Blackies’ defense needed a big stop against the Fatkers and they would get it in a massive way as Grant Delpit picked off JordyLove in plus-territory and ran it back all the way to the 4-yard line. An incredible turnover there as the ClownShow took immediate advantage of good field position in having Judkins score a red zone TD. The PAT by Szmyt was made(a missed extra point played a role in costing them victory in their home opener in Week 1) and it was a 10-10 tie score. But with still three minutes left, Grinch Bay still had some time to make things right and win this game for good. A good pass to Tucker Kraft got the Fatkers into field goal range and if they got another first down while forcing Kevin Stefanski to call all of his team’s timeouts, then Cleveland would have no time to respond to a made kick by McManus. The Clowns only had one timeout left and it was taken after the first play post two-minute warning. But a couple of inefficient runs by Josh Jacobs and a false start foul on third down didn’t help to move the ball. With less than 30 seconds left, the GB field goal team came onto the field and it would be a 43-yard kick by McManus to give the Fatkers the lead. But that kick was blocked by Shelby Harris and recovered by Greg Newsome II at the 47-yard line of the Blackies. Wow, how about that? Now with roughly 20 seconds remaining, the Cleveland offense had a chance to get into field goal range for Szmyt, who had a chance to be the hero in this game. A neutral zone infraction foul on Micah Parsons helped start this drive good and Flacco completed a couple of passes, including one that went out of bounds. The second completion to David Njoku stayed in bounds and that forced the Clowns offense to hurry up and spike the ball with two seconds to spare on the game clock. The Cleveland field goal unit came on to have Andre Szmyt attempt a game-winning 55-yard field goal, which he barely made and there was a flag on the play, but it was on Grinch Bay. What a way to lose a game that you were favored by double-digits and allow all three of your divisional opponents to gain ground on you(something that my Vikings, the Bores and Dumtroit Flyins did). A tough loss for Grinch Bay and an amazing cross-Norteh division win for the ClownShow, which managed not to start winless through three games.
Finally, we make our last stop in Grampa Bay, where the BakerNeers wore their Creamsicle white throwback jerseys for their home opener of their 50th season of play. The New Yuck GlennJUTS were in town and seeking to get their first win of the season. The game started out low-scoring, but the scoring picked up on the Bucco Bruce helmet wearing home team, which scored a TD and their defense stopped the Gangrene offense a couple of times in the first half on a turnover on downs and two actual turnovers(fumble and an interception that was returned for a score). A lot of pick-sixes and other bizarre special teams scores on this Sunday the 21st, where St. Charles of Chicago Suburbia was memorialized in Glendale, Arizona. So, the JUTS were down by 17 points in the third quarter and Tyrod Taylor wasn’t exactly producing points. But suddenly in the fourth quarter, something changed as a touchdown drive happened after a three-and-out by the BakerNeers. Grampa Bay responded by getting a field goal that had New Yuck down by the amount of their score(13, a rather holy unlucky number). But their offense remained strong and Taylor threw a tight TD pass to Allen “The Lizard” Lazard, who barely hung onto the ball in the back of the end zone. With a lot of time still remaining, the BakerNeers still had work to do up by only six and a Mayfield run down the sidelines that got the team into field goal range seemingly was the final dagger. But it wasn’t, as a field goal attempted by Chase McLaughlin after the two-minute warning(and after a delay of game penalty, how does that happen out of a commercial break?) was blocked by Will McDonald IV of the JUTS, who ran the ball back after recovering it at midfield for a touchdown. I wonder if he did that before Jordan Davis had his game-sealing blocked field goal run back for a TD? I’m sure Mr. McDonald did. The PAT by Nick Folk was good and the GlennJUTS had the lead by one point. But with plenty of time left, Baker Maker made some good stuff happen and led his team back into field goal range with a few seconds left on the clock. McLaughlin made a 36-yard kick that was unable to be blocked by the Gang Green defenders this time and the game was over and won by the CreamsicleNeers. That’s tough luck for a team that has found too many ways to lose over the years. JUTS fans can add a blocked-field goal returned for a TD wiped away by a game-winning kick by the opposing team onto their list of painful ways their team has lost a game over the years. Aaron Glenn was unable to get his first win as a head coach, but maybe he could get lucky next week when his JUTS go to take on the winless Miami Delphins down south on the Floridian Peninsula in a Monday night undercard game edition of BFOTW. So, that’s three teams being on the wrong side(or right side at first) of blocked field goal drama on Sunday afternoon. What will the CFS gods think of next? Stay tuned to find out next week.
- Waiting List: Houston Texthens, Miami Delphins, BradyDoors Of The Punk Carroll Ark, Turning The Ball Over Five Times While Wearing Your Useless Retro Redcoat Jerseys, Losing Games On Game-Winning Field Goals In The Afternoon, Season-Ending Injuries To Three Guys On Three Western Teams, Getting Blown Out In Your First Game Without Your Excitable Boy QB, Fumbling The Ball In Another Primetime Game And Costing Your Team A Chance To Win Against A Top-Tiered Team Once Again, Early Bye Weeks Coming Soon For Some
Kent Bewley's News Story Collection 