Inspirational Thought of the Week

You make me glow
But I cover up, won’t let it show
So I’m putting my defenses up
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that, I think I’d have a heart attack
I think I’d have a heart attack
I think I’d have a heart attack

Never break a sweat for the other guys
When you come around, I get paralyzed
And every time I try to be myself
It comes out wrong like a cry for help
It’s just not fair
Pain’s more trouble than love is worth
I gasp for air
It feels so good, but you know it hurts

– Demi Lovato, “Heart Attack”

Here at Floundering Five headquarters, located in a town where there seems to be a few heart attacks suffered every day, we have been pondering the return of NFL football and all of its dramatic beauties. For those who are fans of teams who “live on the edge” constantly, it feels like those folks suffer heart attacks anytime an insane sequence of plays occurs in the late stages of a game. Sometimes, a team comes through in the end and they win in the dramatic moments. Other times, those teams fall short and those fans feel a big letdown and heartache, literally, from seeing their team suffer a gruesome defeat. Other times, fans who don’t except their team to perform well either get the result they were expecting or when an insane unexpected sequence occurs that gives that team a chance to actually win, those fans go completely nuts to the point of having an aneurysm, figuratively or literally.

Now I’m not suggesting that heart attack rates increase when fans are on the edge of their seats, but an insane game sequence definitely gets the blood pumping in those veins through one’s heart. For those who know what the stakes are, that is the case. For those who are oblivious to the feeling of an intense game and how much winning matters to the hardcore, ride-or-die fans of a specific team, then bless their hearts. Being a modern day football fan with so many different ways and places(and platforms) to watch a game on is not for the faint of heart, so if their hearts aren’t meant to handle the intensity, then it’s better off for them to latch onto another hobby such as knitting, fishing, hunting or mowing the lawn. The human condition can only tolerate so much, if you’re not a true sports fan. Sorry for offending all of the folks who don’t devote their Sundays in the fall to watching gridiron action all afternoon long.

Anyway, away from the heart convo, or towards it, there were fans of two teams that had double-digit leads on primetime games. You would think one or both of those teams should be victorious, especially with them holding those leads in the second half. But you would be wrong. And those fans of the two teams who choked big time are wishing that their team didn’t leave the door open for their opponents to come storming back on Week 1. The teams who built up a big lead by scoring a lot of points or holding the other team down with their defense had double-digit leads in the fourth quarter of their games. And yet they both lost. How? Why? And what in the heck are these stupid fans doing? Throwing vulgar green objects onto the field and contacting players. Fighting with each other due to “seating conflicts”. Seriously, when did we lose all morality and respect for one another in a stadium? That answer goes back decades and rears its ugly head with those who are completely unfiltered and selfish.

Also, we have three teams who remain in these rankings from the season preview after not-so-bad(and also not so decent) performances on Sunday Sunday. There is one new addition to the top quad of stinky teams and that team stunk like rotten fish on a field made for horseshoe hippies. But the way that they looked in getting blown out by a team who inducted its recently-deceased owner into its Ring of Fame and hadn’t won a season-opening game since some wise guy named Andrew was quarterbacking their team is really not a good look. Not at all for their head coach, quarterback and wideout who might be faced with another domestic violence scandal if the league cares to deliver significant judgment(which it does, unlike many of the cities or metro areas these teams play in). So, let’s get into this Week 1 edition of sloppy and heartbreakingly unlucky teams.

With apologies to Spencer Rattler, Arden Key, Jaxson Dart, Zeek Biggers, Isaiah Hartenstein and Josh Hart, here are the post-Week 1 Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. New Orleans Aints(0-1)

So, the Aints had their home opener and wore some ugly abominable tan golden jerseys to go with their black helmets. The score should have indicated the horrendous state of their jerseys, but they actually didn’t play so bad. Only losing by seven points to the Arizona WhiteyBirds, NOLA had an early TD run by Alvin Kamara only for Spencer RattlerSnake to lead a load of drives that didn’t end in the end zone. A couple of field goals by Blake Grupe kept the Aints in it, but Killer Kyler Murray did just enough in leading a couple of TD drives. A missed kick by Grupe in between his two field goals definitely did not help matters for the Aints, who continue to struggle winning on their home field of the StupidDome. Kellen Moore couldn’t win his head coaching debut(neither could someone else that we shall mention below in the CFS), but he might have a chance to do so next week when his Fleur-de-Lis squad faces a banged-up Sand Fransicko FortingMiners team that just placed George Kittie on IR and has their starting QB slated to miss a couple of games due to a toe and neck injury. Along with a bunch of other banged-up offensive players, the Miners might be on upset alert in the Big Easy. The Aints might make their way out of this top bottom spot if they win or if somebody behind them does significantly worse than them. We shall see how this second game goes, cuz starting 0-2 lowers your odds of making the playoffs and that applies even if you’re in a sucky division like the NFC Sourth.

2. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(0-1)

Now onto the Titanic B’Foons, who had Cam Ward make his NFL debut against the Denver Donkeys in the Mile HighOnWeed City. Young Ward was helped out by the defense of his team in having them force a few turnovers against the Bo Nix offense(one on a muffed punt by Marvin Mims Jr), but unfortunately they only scored four field goals and gave up two touchdowns to the Donkeys. Ward got sacked a few times and was strip-sacked to end the game after the Mad Hatter Sean Payton decided to have his offense go for it on fourth down rather than try a field goal that could’ve been blocked or sealed off the game anyways. Comes to show how confident or cocky you are against a rookie QB. A fumble by Tony Pollard in the second quarter was the only turnover committed by the TennisSee offense on the day of the U.S Open Men’s championship match. Losing your first game as a rookie QB and number one pick isn’t the worst thing in the world and this will be a moment of learning for Cameron, who will now be playing in his home opener against the Lost Mangeles Lambs, who only scored 14 points against the Houston Texthens. So, that could be a potential winning chance for Ward… or he might need to wait his turn as his team is in danger of falling to 0-2. Thankfully, the Titanic Buffoons weren’t the only team to not score a touchdown on Sunday, as they were joined in that department by the…

3. New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(0-1)

That’s right, the New Yuck FatBall Army Ants didn’t score a touchdown either. Having Rumpelstiltskin as their starting QB, New Yuck sucked it up on offense as they only scored six points on two field goals made by Graham Gano. Army Ants fans are now calling on Jaxson Dart to be implemented as the starting QB after one game. AFTER ONE GAME. Brian Daboll did say that they could potentially use Dart on potential “feature plays”, but they didn’t use him on a single play against the ruthless defense of the DC Brigade of CommandSkins(a combo of the name that franchise decided to go towards and their old name). The Big Blue Bums punted six times and they gave up only three scores against the DC offense, with those three drives all ending in touchdowns. Another sloppy NFC Least loss for the Army Ants, who will now have to turn around and face another divisional foe in the Dellas ShotBoys. This could be an early-edition Blanket Fight of the Week matchup between these two teams at JerryWorld Stadium, where the G.I-Ants haven’t won a game in since the 15th-year anniversary of 9/11. Eight straight losses in Big D. Yikes. So, they better have Rump cook up something interesting or their fans will be calling for his head after an 0-2 start. Rumpelstiltskin didn’t start until Week 6 of last season with the Stellers, so he got lucky on that front of avoiding the early season heat. This time, in the most intensely scrutinized sports market of them all, Rump isn’t so lucky. Daboll did say that Stiltskin would start in Week 2, and I bet that ticked off a lot of people who are still Big Blue fans. If they can’t beat Dellas, they will have a real chance to start 0-3 or worse as their next opponent will be in their home opener against the Kansas City Chefs(who are trying to avoid an 0-2 start themselves). So, that could be an unlikely BFOTW matchup. We shall see how far these Fe-Fie-Foh-Fumers can tumble down after having a franchise worst 14 losses last season.

4. Miami DolphLundgrens(0-1)

What does a franchise do when its star wide receiver says that he wants to be traded, then they don’t trade him, and then they continue to devote themselves to a QB who has head issues due to concussions that he has suffered? Of course they lose 33-8 against Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies, who haven’t won a season opener since 2014 and they give up nearly 300 yards of passing to Daniel “Indiana” Jones. The Phins defense gave up so many yards and scores to Indy that they looked like a fighter that had been knocked out a zillion times. And the MyAmMe offense didn’t do much other than have a late touchdown and two-point conversion after being down 30-0. The Fake Minority in Mike McDaniel didn’t do well in coaching his offense and there was intense discourse on the sidelines between Tyreek “The Freak” Hill and his offensive teammates. And to put a water-cap on it, Mr. Hill is facing more domestic violence allegations from his former spouse and he could potentially be in trouble of being suspended by NFL if this is all true. Even though the league has refused to touch the leading receiver in receiving yards over the past few seasons, they will be coming for him eventually. Just like the cops who handcuffed him for speeding too fast in a car in Week 1 of last season for the DolphLundgrens’ home opener. The Dragos will have their home opener against the New VrabelLand PottyHats, who lost their home opener against the BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark. So, this will be a huge game between two AFC Least teams. The Phins will be wearing white again on their humid home field, which they share with the Miami Hurricanes, who are looking much better to be a College Football Playoff team than the pro team looked on Sundae in Indy. Next week, they will be the Delphins/Aryans on their Hard Rock Stadium home turf. Maybe the humidity can help them avoid an 0-2 start to this season. Or maybe not. Either way, their head coach is on the hot seat and he better get stuff under control or else he could be the first HC to be canned from his job this season. There’s usually a few in-season firings in the NFL every year; Mr. McDaniel better watch out.

5. A Pair Of Primetime Chokejobs On Back To Back Nights By The Belticago RuffBores(0-a load of fan heartbreak)

Onto this week’s edition of the Coveted Fifth Spot, where there were a couple of teams playing on the big stage of Sunday night and Monday night that both had big leads and both those teams squandered those leads in the fourth quarter. Whether over the entire quarter or in the course of under five minutes of game time, both of these teams had their chances of starting 1-0 go up in smoke due to giving up a load of late points to their opponents. One of them was a road team that choked a chance to win in the place where their season ended last “year”. The other team was on their home field and completely blew a chance to win their new head coach’s debut. Which one do you think is worse? Depends on your viewpoint of both of these teams and the size of the leads that both of them held and let wither away.

Starting with the Beltimore RuffHens, who were looking to exercise some playoff demons as they played on the road against the BufferLow HillBillies. The RuffHens lost against the HillBillies in the AFC Divisional Round last season due to a couple of crucial drops by their tight end and now the NFL schedule makers had them playing in a rematch on Sunday night of Week 1 at Highmark Stadium. The Beltimore offense with Lamar Jackson and Derrick Henry built up a big lead in the first half and then the second half with rough and tough running and clutch passing. With a 15-point lead and the BufferLow offense not being able to convert on two-point conversions after touchdowns when they didn’t have to go for dos, the RuffHens looked like they were going to coast to a victory on the road to start out their season. However, a missed PAT by their new kicker in Tyler Loop(who replaces the disgraced massage orgasming-kicker Justin Tucker) set off a firestorm of a comeback. A punt drive by the HillBillies could have resulted in an interception, but the refs took that away from Beltimore. The RuffHens punted, then an insane sequence occurred when the game was literally on the line on a 4th & 2 with under four minutes left on the clock. Josh Allen threw the ball towards the end zone, the ball was deflected into the end zone and Keon Coleman caught the ball in the end zone. An amazing play there. After wisely kicking a PAT with Matt Prater(filling in for the FishKicker Tyler Bass, who is currently on IR), BufferLow forced a fumble on Derrick Henry and recovered it. How common does a fumble occur with that guy? A deep pass by Allen set up a leaping TD by the husband of Hailee Steinfeld and then the HillBillies went for two(for a third time in the game), but they were stopped. The RuffHens had a chance to end the game with a first down conversion, but a pass to DeAndre Hopkins(who was contacted by a rogue fan after catching a spectacular TD pass and Jackson was touched as well, forcing Mr. Lamarkable to push the fan back) was tackled short of the line to gain. Beltimore could have gone for it on fourth and short, even though they were in the part of their territory where a field goal could be attempted by Prater. Instead, John Harbaugh decided to have Jordan Stout punt the ball and have his defense try and stop Mr. Allen from leading his team into field goal range. Guess what? They failed on a lot of edges, including not letting Coleman score with an unnecessary tackle by Jaire Alexander The NotSoGreat. After burning all their timeouts, the RuffHens saw the HillBillies quickly charge their field goal team onto the turf and Prater kicked the game winner, in spite of Kyle Hamilton nearly blocking the kick. That’s a rough luck situation for Beltimore, who is 0-1 and were the first team to allow a comeback of 15 points in the final four minutes of an NFL season opener. That’s not good. Not at all. Next up they will face the Cleveland ClownShow in their home opener, but their loss to the HillBillies could loom large when they are fighting for playoff positioning. That head-to-head disadvantage could screw the RuffHens big time. At least the idiot who dared to contact Hopkins and Jackson like they were animals in a petting zoo got banned for life from all NFL stadiums. That should not have been the only loss BufferLow suffered, but it turned out to be that way. Hope the RuffHens can avoid an 0-2 start and are able to beat their former first-round selection from way back in 2008 in Joe Flacco.

Now onto the Chicago Bores, who had another boring performance when they didn’t score a lot of points in a sloppy game against My Minnesota Vikings Who Had A Strong Comeback Victory In J.J McCarthy’s Pro Debut. The Bores had Caleb Williams have a good opening drive, only to have him be bombarded by the Brian Flores defense. He tried to run, but he couldn’t hide for long. McCarthy threw a Pick-6, but he bounced back to lead three touchdown drives in the fourth quarter. Achieving something not done in a QB’s NFL debut since Steve Young, McCarthy beat his hometown team in the Bores, who surrendered an 11-point lead and took too long to score nearing the two-minute warning. Ben Johnson made some questionable decisions along with going for it on fourth down when in field goal range in the second quarter and also not deciding to have Cairo Santos attempt an onside kick with barely over two minutes left in regulation. Also his first challenge was an absolute dud, as T.J Hockenson’s knee was clearly on the turf when the ball got peanut-punched out of his grasp. Having one last chance with nine seconds left, an illegal shift and a failed lateral play occurred. And thus, the Chicago football team fell short on the same day where intense immigration enforcement activity is occurring elsewhere in the city, specifically on the South Side. Speaking of which, the Bores are going to deport themselves from Chicago eventually. Only the downtown area as they are planning on staying in the metro area as a new stadium in Arlington Heights, Illinois will be built in due time. Sucker Field has sadly been damaged by a lot of events such as soccer games, concerts and other events, so that explains Blake Cashman’s hamstring injury. From going 1-0 potentially until the horrid fourth quarter that saw their fans boo and leave early, the FlukyBores will now have to try and avoid going 0-2 to start out their season as they travel to play the Dumtroit Flyins in a Blanket Fight of the Week: Gamblin Ben’s Return Duel Against Gamblin Dan. Let’s see how long Williams lasts before he requests a trade or gets benched for the Secret Bagent Man. He had a good statline, but he couldn’t get the job done when it mattered most. So, that’s all for this duo of teams that could have been 1-0 but instead suffered defeats that could cost them dearly in the long run. Talk about some early season heartbreak for these two Norteh teams.

• Waiting List: Cleveland ClownShow, New Yuck GlennJUTs(nearly beat Rodgers, but gave up 4 TD passes against him), The Team That Lost To The Eyepatch Franchise For The First Time In More Than 30 Years In Their Town Of Foxborough, Mother Nature Disrupting Games In Phatty And Jack In The Crack, The FUX Sports Broadcasts’ Ugly As Heck Opaque Scorebug From Hell