Inspirational thought of the week

*The dog in a burning apartment meme, saying “This is fine”*

Here at Floundering Five Headquarters, located in a room next to a garage that consumes the radiation of the sun way too much and thus transfers it into heat and makes me feel like that dog in the burning apartment saying “This is fine”, we have been bracing for the return of the NFL. Seven long months without a meaningful pro football game(unless you want to count the bankrupt UFL or college football games starting way too soon in the penultimate weekend of AweGust), and now we are on the eve of the 2025 regular season. Wow, the offseason sure flies by. And it apparently doesn’t end in training camp. Crazy things occurring when it comes to trading for(or trading away) draft capital and acquiring stud players or sending them away. We really thought all the dramatic moves in the offseason were done with in June or July, but as it turns out, no, it was nowhere near done. The “trade of the century” football-style just occurred and oh boy, it has some people in the heart of TexAss really, really mad.

Or happy, because the player they just traded away was probably their best pass rusher since Charles Haley and couldn’t defend well against the run. So, trading him away for two-first round picks and a slightly older defensive lineman seems like a bit of a steal. But the people in that city where the franchise that claims itself to be “America’s Team” has already gone through one insane “trade of the century” with the franchise face of their basketball team. Somehow, that team got lucky in winning the draft lottery and were able to draft the assumed heir to the superstar that they traded to Tinseltown(and that team was one-and-done in the playoffs to my detriment). Thankfully in football, you have room for two, three, four, even five potential franchise faces and getting two first-rounders for a future NFL draft coming soon is not that bad. But in the short term, this team and its long-time owner/director of football operations/general manager are under fire from fans who couldn’t believe a trade of that magnitude for such an impactful player was even possible. But it comes to show that you can never see the unexpected coming, unless you’re a fortune teller/palm reader or an insider on the whole shebang.

Speaking of which, there are other teams with more dysfunctional problems than that shotty team that was just hinted at. Specifically in the south, there are a couple of bad clubs who are looking to rebuild with rookie QBs. Usually, rookie QBs(especially number 1 picks) don’t usually pan out right away and sometimes the return on investment is a bad one. Thankfully, there’s a set payment system for each of them that is not a casualty to the salary cap(something that didn’t exist on football teams more than 30 years ago). There is also one team who decided to try out four QBs for its starting job and wouldn’t you know it, the guy who led that team to the playoffs a couple of years ago is the designated starter… for now. Finally, there is a team out east who is under some hot-cooked pressure to do well while trying to eventually on-board their future star QB of the franchise(while trying not to screw things up like they did with some guy called Daniel). So, let’s get into this cesspool of an opening preview to this season!

With apologies to Kellen Moore, Cam Ward, Shedeur(and Deion) Sanders, Joe Schoen and Jerry Jones, here are the pre-Opening Week Floundering Five rankings for the 2025 NFL season.

1. New Orleans Aints(Record from previous season: 5-12)

So, the Aints are marching into this season with a new head coach, new starting QB(after Derek FastCarr’s retirement) and a new standard of stinking(which they had for pretty much the majority of their first forty years of existence sans the Dome Patrol seasons). Gone are the days of the Mad Hatter Sean Payton leading the team and Drew Brees pulling game-winning drives out of his bag of tricks. At least you still have Cameron Jordan, Alvin Kamara, Brandin Cooks(who returns after playing one season wearing the fleur-de-lis on his helmet) and a few good defenders. Plus, you’re in the “weakest” division of football in the NFC Sourth, so that should be a plus. Unfortunately, we don’t live in the reality of “should” and on the 20-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, the Aints have been rocked like a hurricane these past few seasons under Dennis Allen, who was fired in the middle of last season and replaced by Darren “The Rizz” Rizzi. Instead of sticking with the Rizz, Gayle Benson’s StupidDome squad hired Kellen Moore to be their new head coach. A fresh young offensive mind should lift these Aints to higher levels, you just need the right QB to implement the vision. Well, that’s kind of a problem when your previous franchise face for two seasons(both of them injury-riddled) retires and you get dissed by Aaron Rodgers(probably for the best). The Aints have a three-headed monster of young QBs to choose from, which consists of Spencer Rattler(who got unseated by Caleb Williams at Oklahoma, Boomer Sooner not so much for him), Jake Haener(a four-year starter at Fresno State) and newly drafted rookie Tyler Shough(pronounced shook, like You Shough Me All Night Long). They have given the starting job to the RattlerSnake for now, but it’s unknown how long he will hold it for. Also, not having Taysom Hill(who is now 35 years old after starting his Mormon career at 27 years young) hurts as well. Definitely makes your product less entertaining when you don’t have the ultimate Swiss Army knife(Travis Hunter could challenge that notion if he decides to take snaps at QB someday) available. So, these Fleur-de-Lis losers open up their season with a home opener against the Arizona YellowBeaks/WhiteyBirds. In fact their first three games will be against NFC Wusst opponents(hosting the FortingMiners and then going to Seattle to take on the SamChickens before going east to face the BufferLow Bills don’t sound so easy). Get used to seeing this team at or near the top along with the…

2. Tennessee Titanic Buffoons(Record from previous season: 3-14)

This other Sourth team(from the AFC division) is now honored to have another No. 1 overall pick(or high draft selection) as their franchise QB. They have tried their luck with Steve “Air” McNair(RIP), Vince Young and Marcus Mariota, and after a failed two-year tryout from Will “MayoBoy” Levis, the Titanic Buffoons(I previously had another nickname for them that’s def NSFW, so I had to change it) are now rolling the dice with Cameron Ward(he prefers not to be called Cam apparently, making him like Alan Ruck’s character from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). After setting a new FBS record in passing TDs, young Ward now finds himself in the NFL, where number one draft pick QBs don’t usually fare well in terms of leading their team into the playoffs in their first season in the pros(Robert Griffin III is a slight exception). Ward finds himself in a “weak” division for a Tennessee team that finished with only 3 wins last season. That’s a far cry from being the number one seed in 2021 and being one game away from getting into the STUPID Bowl in 2019. Having some new toys like Tyler Lockett(who came over from Seattle), Gunnar Helm(drafted out of Texas) and Kalel Mullings(oddly similar to Superman’s birth name), the Titanic Buffoons will hopefully look less foolish and be slightly improved. How improved, I don’t know. Being in the same division as the DoooVal Kitty Cats, Indy’s HorseShoe Hippies and the Houston Texthens ain’t the worst thing in the world. But being in the same conference as great QBs like Patrick Mahomes, Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson, Joe Burrow and Justin Herbert definitely comes with some overshadowing. Maybe that will be good for Ward, who hopefully won’t be a draft bust from a class with very little QBs taken pretty high.

3. Cleveland ClownShow(Record From Previous Season: 3-14)

Now onto the greatest clownshow from northeast Ohio and their new agenda following another bad season. Gone(for now) are the boos directed towards DeShaun Watson and his crappy play after his sexual misconduct misadventures and onto the drama of having two rookie QBs on your roster. Continuing the tradition of starting a gazillion QBs since 1999, the ClownShow brought back one of its better performers from a recent season in Joe Flacco, who after having a layover in Indy is back in a brown-colored jersey and a orange-colored helmet that is somehow the lamest logo in football. Cleveland acquired Kenny Pickett in an odd trade in the offseason(only to trade him to Viva Las Vegas after training camp) and drafted both Dillion Gabriel(a TD beast at UCF, Oklahoma and Oregon) and Shedeur Sanders(who fell so hard that the Clowns took him in the fifth round). After some preseason drama(including some injury that robbed Shedeur of the backup role), the Clownies are deciding to be livin’ la vida Flacco(which translates to living the thin life) to start out 2025. The rare lefty known as Gabriel will be the backup and Shedeur will be the “emergency” third QB to start the season. Kevin Stefanski is still the head coach of the ClownShow and entering his sixth season, he will have to face some tough opponents, including three straight games against NFC Norteh opponents. One of those games will be in London against the team he coached as an assistant for nearly 15 years in My Minnesota Vikings Who Are Revamped With J.J McCarthy And A Powerfully Invincible Defense. That will be an interesting “reunion”, but having to contend with Joe Burrow, Lamarkable Jackson and Aaron Rodgers in the same division is gonna be rough. So, buckle up Clownies. You’re in for a rough and interesting ride.

4. New Yuck FatBall G.I-Ants(Record from previous season: 3-14)

Fee-fie-foh-fum. What do we see in north New Jersey, son? Oh we see another three-QB team with a very far-fetched dream! Sorry for my giant speak there, but I just had to do it as the Army Ants have a clean slate of QBs on their roster after a dumpster fire season in which they cut Daniel Jones and had a few lameo passers finish the season on the field. It was a tough year for Malik “Good” Nabers, who had himself a solid rookie season if not for a few injuries and tough defeats. Anyhow, the Big Blue Bums decided to use multiple first-round picks to draft new cornerstone players. One of them is a fierce defensive beast who is the new version of a guy who just forced his way out of town(get to him in a sec). The other is a dude who was a transfer portal king and is the new potential starting QB for the next decade-plus(or not). Enter Abdul Carter and Jaxson Dart. Both could be the best defensive player and QB that this team has had since the Tom Coughlin days of leading this team(Eli Manning kind of got washed-up after Coughlin stepped down). This is the last chance for Brian Daboll and Joe Schoen to save their butts from getting fired following the Saquon Barkley departure down the Jersey Turnpike to Phatterdelphia and seeing him be part of a SB-winning team in his first season(sounds a lot like my fave baseball team last year with Shohei Ohtani). Along with the Daniel Jones failure of him not being able to win in primetime(you think Kirk Cousins is bad under the bright lights, look at how bad poor Danny The Geek is) and having injury/turnover issues, the G.I-Ants are banking big on Dart, which is an ironic name for a QB. You can’t just be throwin’ darts all the time on the football field, you have to be precise with where you aim a football(which weighs tons of times more than an actual dart). In order to ease him in, the FatBall team brought in a couple of vets for a friendly QB competition. Rumpelstiltskin went from being over in western PA(before that the Mile HighOnWeed City, way before that the Emerald City) and losing in the first round to his third team in three seasons. Instead of “Let’s Ride” or “Let’s Grind”, it’s now “Let’s Stomp” for the little giant at QB. The other guy that the North Jersey Jints brought in is Famous Anus Winston, who has been a drifter since he was unseated in Grandpa Bay by some guy named Tom back in 2020 and he’s made some sparse starts in NOLA and Cleveland. Dart was good enough in preseason to earn the backup QB job, making Winston the third-stringer. The only leftover passer from the previous season(s) was released in Tommy “CutletBoy” DeVito, who is now ironically on a team that considers the Army Ants to be their arch-nemesis(due to two SB defeats against them) in the New VrabelLand PottyHats. Along with Cam (Be My) Skattebo, Beaux Collins(who?), and a strong veteran defense, the G.I-Ants are ready to shock the world. Or at least not finish in last place in the rather strong NFC Least, which might be easier for them to do now because of an insane trade that most of us didn’t see coming until the beginning of AwwGust.

5. How Bout Them ShotBoys… Trading Away Their Best Defensive Player For Two First-Rounders All Cuz Of A Misunderstanding Relating To Involving An Agent In Contract Negotiations(Record From Previous Season: 7-10)

Now onto another team I had to rename(due to the previous fat head coach not being retained). The Dellas ShotBoys are now a completely new franchise, but not that new since Jerral Wayne Jones Sr still holds ownership of that team(for 37 seasons now). After hiring Brian Schottenheimer to be their new head coach(more like promoting him from the offensive coordinator position), Dellas needed to make some changes to their personnel department. So, they acquired George Pickens in a trade from the RodgersBurgh Stellers to have a good wideout to pair with their franchise star wideout CeeDee Lamb. With their franchise quarterback Dak Prescott coming off a torn hamstring that ended his season in October, the ShotBoys had a new sense of hope that they could potentially contend this season. In spite of them having to get a new trio of running backs, saying farewell to another solid offensive lineman(Zach Martin retired), and making some tweaks to their defense, everything was looking dandy for Dellas. Except for one particular player- a guy that had become their best pass rusher in decades. That guy had a contract negotiation to parcel out with Jerry Jones and unfortunately things did not turn out good for the literal lone star team.

Micah Aaron Parsons wanted a big contract extension that would have him be the “highest paid non-quarterback in NFL history”(a notion that really doesn’t stick around for long on a player’s résumé these days). But Jerry Jones wasn’t being so nice in not letting Micah’s agent in David Mulugheta be a part of negotiations, so that didn’t please Parsons at all. At the beginning of AwwGust, while the ShotBoys were having their annual training camp visit in Oxnard, Calif, Parsons sent out a tweet saying that he did not want to be a part of the organization that he desired to play for his entire career anymore. He cited the agent situation and that he didn’t want to negotiate a deal without his agent present. In spite of that legalese by the good linebacker Parsons, the Jones crime family insisted that Micah would come to the table since he had already been offered a contract extension that would pay him what he wanted. But number 11 from Penn State(a number he wore and then was worn by fellow NFC Least edge rusher Abdul Carter) felt disrespected and overpressured by the spotlight in Big D. He wanted to return to the small town village landscape in the Midwest and there was no better place for him than Grinch Bay. Somehow, the Joneses started considering the possibility of trading Micah if he wasn’t taking contract negotiations and practice so seriously. They found a willing partner in the Fatkers, whose GM Brian Gutekunst decided to trade two first-round picks and a good defensive tackle in Kenny Clark to Dellas in exchange for Parsons, who has been mostly healthy for his professional career so far(except for missing a few games last season). This dramatic trade occurred on Thur, Aug 28, one week from the Opening Night matchup that the ShotBoys are going to play against the Phatterdelphia SeagLes(a good bird verb swap there), who will be hanging their second championship banner achieved in the last decade. Dellas hasn’t even been to an NFC Championship game since Jan. 1996, a thirty-year anniversary coming soon.

The big city in the heart of TexAss has had their hearts broken again in this calendar year of 2025 in terms of losing another franchise star player. In February it was Luka Doncic for their Mavericks(who have gotten lucky in drafting the successor to the SlowVenian superstar). Nearly seven months later, for the ShotBoys(who play in Arlington by the way), it was Micah Parsons. Unreal. Some people have been calling for old Jerry’s head since the trade, while others have been mulling the bright side of this trade. Parsons would have costed a lot of money against the salary cap and they were already paying top-dollar to Prescott and Lamb. Choosing to pay other star defensive players such as DaRon Bland and Trevon Diggs, Dellas also has a couple of good edge rushers who can help fill the void that Parsons leaves. The anger in the short-term is understandable, even from delusional fans like those who support “America’s Team” to death and remember the good old days of the 1970s and 1990s teams. For the Gambler known as Jerry Jones, this could pay off. But it won’t feel good seeing your former defensive star wearing Grinch Bay green and gold on a Sunday night at the end of this month. Prescott and the offensive line for the ShotBoys better watch out, because “Michael” is coming back to town on a Sunday night primetime game. Yeehaw!

• Waiting List: Jack In The Cracked Jags, New Yuck GlennJUTS, BradyDoors of the Punk Carroll Ark, Chicago Bores, Matthew Stafford’s Back Pain, A Surplus Of Games Worldwide This Season Including In Brasil, España And Ireland(Along With Berlin), Travis Kelce & Taylor Swift’s Divorce Rumors